Every day a struggle *SU TRIGGERS*

It's been a while since I felt I needed to reach out on here. I am feeling overwhelmed and pathetic. I dread bedtime atm as I feel that another day has passed, I am one day closer to the end of my life and I have not achieved what I should have done. The list of what needs to be done is huge. It's not that others are not pulling their weight, far from it, just that I don't feel I am pulling mine. I am not sleeping well as I wake up in the night thinking about all the things I should have done. For those who do not know me my estranged husband killed himself last November. I still have not sorted his estate, and his bungalow is full of stuff that we can't agree what to do with. My partner's father died last week. My father died last October. I run a a small pottery business which I want to expand but I am in that funny stage where I need more staff before I can increase turnover but don't have the turnover to increase staff. I have extra classes atm as it's the school holidays on top of orders for my pottery.

Hi, lovely, it’s good to see you - but I’m sorry it’s because you’re struggling. When was the last time you saw your doctor and had a meds review? Are you carving out any time at all for self care? Are you eating and drinking?

Pen you're a successful potter running a business which can't be easy what with covid and bexit. You've a loving partner to share your life and you're doing your best which is all anyone can do.

Gorgeous, you are very far from pathetic. You've been dealing with so much that I'm not surprised you are struggling. What is it that you think you should have achieved?
What's the hold up with your exes estate? Who can't agree on what to do with it? Can you ask for more help from those around you with your pottery etc?

I also agree with Paula - when was the last time you were talking to your Dr? Are you taking meds?

I have not spoken to a doctor in years. Generally I have been fine. I am still taking my meds, Arty makes sure I eat and drink.
I need to sort out probate on hubbys estate which means I have to get the inheritance tax situation sorted first. The bungalow is full of tools. Hubby had taken to hording tools. There are literally hundreds of tools. Mainly antique farming and gardening tools. I have contacted specialist shops but they say no one wants to buy these tools. Only woodworking tools. The kids have said they will take over sorting these as I have said I think we should put them in the tip. My team at Carantoc Art has grown. I now have Caitlin for 3 days a week as well as Arty and H. We all do what we can.
H has finally got sober. She has not had a drink for 6 weeks now. It is making life so much better.

That’s wonderful news re H :)

Well done H! That's a huge achievement for her! No way she would have been able to do it without your support.

Hunni, could you try talking to your GP? Just to keep in contact with them?
BTW your paintings are amazing. I love seeing what you've been creating!

Thank you everyone. I have signed H up to Audible as a reward for her getting dry. I hope it will help her to have something different to listen to which will break routines that she had developed with the drinking. Arty is spending the day with her daughter. I was working this morning but having some me time this afternoon. I am currently in Costa. I have started writing children's poems. No idea why! Hoping that one day I will publish as a book.

That’s exciting!

Wow, that's really exciting! Are you doing illustrations for them too?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Wow, that's really exciting! Are you doing illustrations for them too?

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I don't know if I have to he skill for the illustrations or I may get a college student to do them for me.
It's a bit of a pipe dream so don't know if it will ever get off the ground(rofl)

I've seen some of your painting. You definitely have the talent!

So today Arty's best friend T and her family are coming for a BBQ. I struggle with T. She is training as a counsellor, a reki therapist and something else. She has a personal trainer and helps a neighbour keep bees. One of her son's goes to private secondary school and her hubby earns over £100k a year Nothing wrong with any of that just wanted to paint a picture of her However she is quite outgoing about her personal beliefs. She has decided not to have the vaccine as she feels that she does not want anything added to her body. That is her choice, what worries me though is that her youngest son has all sorts of health problems including asthma. She does not even take paracetamol just homeopathic remedies. When at college this year she refused to wear a mask just because she did not want to and got the college to give her an exemption lanyard so she did not have to wear one anywhere else. She did have depression badly a while ago but us now off all the meds and very proud of it. When Arty is poorly she (arty) starts thinking that as T has come off them all and is ok that she should as well. She will insist on giving me a big hug when she comes which makes me very uncomfortable. They are all meat eaters but I plan to cook my own lunch, vegi burger, cheese and vegi bacon.
Arty knows how I feel about T but I have been told to be on my best behaviour. (rofl)
I have brought a bag of pebbles to do rock painting with the teenagers. Not sure how that will go....

She does sound challenging….. can you refuse the hug for covid reasons? She makes her choices, surely she should respect that as one of yours?

Good luck, and I hope the rock painting is a success!

I agree, I'd suggest the 2m social distancing for anyone coming in especially unvaccinated people! She sounds like a "lovely" person. I do understand partly - my MIL has refused the vaccine too and keeps on about all the typical rubbish from anti vaxxers...

I can't see why the rock painting wouldn't be a success, besides it's a really good excuse not to be anywhere near T!

Good luck!

So here we are again at the end of the day with me feeling that I should have done more today.

Why do you think that?

How did the bbq go?
What do you think you should have done which you didn't?

I don't know. I just do.
The last weekend has been manic. Friday Arty's eldest dropped her iPod case down the storm drain at the end of the road and I spent several unsuccessful hours trying to rescue them. Saturday was two classes. Sunday with T however after they had gone Arty's girls decided it was the time to swap rooms, as one of them has a king sized bed I was pulled into dismantling it. Today Arty's phone died so been setting it up today and finally finished off the lawn edging. It has been full on but still I feel a failure.

You are not a failure. In fact I’ve long been in awe of everything you have achieved and continue to achieve. And I would be impressed regardless of whether you battle with your MH. As it is, no one looking in on your life, and the challenges you have met, and continue to meet with your health, could ever even begin to think you’re a failure.

I absolutely agree wholeheartedly with Paula. You are very far from a failure. You do so much all the time and for others, you could easily have not got involved in what you have with rescuing airpods, changing rooms etc You could have easily not worked as hard as you have to get your degree, to start your pottery and for it to be popular, for your cows and other assorted creations to never be sold etc it's through your hard work and dedication that all these things have been a success!