So here goes.... **SU trigger**

Newly returned member, thought it would be easy to post on here (I know how non judgmental and helpful you lot are) but I've struggled tbh.

Seems to be one thing after another, I had a place in counselling through the local authority but gave it up as I couldn't cope with telling her that I'd had to re-home most of my animals due to the housing officer objecting. I've managed to hang on to some of them, it was my fault as I did have too many in a small flat, things had got out of hand and I'm lucky that they went for re-homing through local charities.

I had a breakdown earlier this year, my medication stopped working and things built up and I couldn't cope. I'm self employed so managed to only have an extra 6 days off, quite proud of that! Made it hard though but also made me keep going.

My parents are....difficult. They don't really believe in mental illness. They don't really believe in me either lol. I asked for financial advice from them on Saturday and was told, among other gems "you are ruining our retirement by being alive" and "if you did get a mortgage you'd lose the place in 3 months" my Mum rounded it off by saying they were on my side. Hmmm. So I've struggled with strong suicidal thoughts since, they tend to be at the back of my mind but this pushed them front and center!

Daughter is struggling too, she is smart, top set in school but is missing a lot of classes due to getting kicked out. Been labelled as a difficult troublemaker so they kick her out easily now. I don't blame them, they've got 30 odd kids to teach, why should they put up with her? It makes it hard for her to sort out though. She blames the teachers and her Dad tends to take her side as he never got on with school, so it's causing issues in an otherwise ok split.
The school has been good, she is attending an out of school workshop on a Wednesday that is teaching her up-cycling (and sneaking social and communication skills in too apparently)
I also found her a local young women's group that she seems to enjoy. It's totally away from the school and is confidential, they do social and group work.
Trouble is it feels like we are doing everything and she is doing nothing.

I don't really have friends, people on Facebook and a couple of local ones that are a bit more than acquaintances. Don't want to burden anyone with my issues.
I've tried finding social places but they are usually later at night than I can go to as I rely on the bus as can't afford a car.

I'm working to improve my finances, listed debts and I do an income/expenditure every week. I am rubbish with finances, I like nice things, but I am trying.

So yeah, just needed to vent really. Not sure what I need/want!

Thank you if you read all that!

I've added a SU trigger as you've discussed suicidal thoughts and it helps others if they are pre warned in case they don't want to talk about that.

Your parents sound *so* supportive.... Are they always like this? Do you spend a lot of time with them?
Have you got to be referred again to counselling? Why did you think that they would judge you? How many animals did you have? Were you taking care of them properly?
WRT your daughter - do you know why she's acting up? Is it hormonal or something different? My almost 16 year old has issues with school - but hers are more social and her not matching up to her own ideals of perfection, but school issues have a habit of dominating life don't they?
I'm glad you've got her some help, although it's not always easy to find. What do you think that she should be doing that she isn't?

Have you thought about getting some help with your finances? It always used to be brilliant - harsh but brilliant - to post on moneysavingexperts where you have people there who can sort your finances down to the last penny! Or the CAB? Or a debt management plan?

Sorry! Loads of questions...

You are dealing with a lot. The things you shared about your parents are just horrible. I never understand when parents are not supportive. They should be on your side and show that as well. Suzi made a good post. I am not in the UK so I have no idea on practical help.

One thing that did pop out is where you wrote they do not believe in mental health. I tend to think that are narrow minded believes. And they do not help at all.

I do know how hard it is with daughters. I have 2 and I mentioned my youngest to you - we had all sorts of issues and she was vile to me for a very long time. I tried very hard to hold on to the good during that time (wasn’t always possible and she made me cry, a lot, but I tried) and actually she’s grown into an awesome, independent, responsible young woman. There is good in your post - she’s going to the workshop and she’s engaging with the young women’s group. I get how tough this is, and I know the impact on your mental health, but your little girl is still there (panda)

Answers in red, thought it would be easier!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Suzi

I've added a SU trigger as you've discussed suicidal thoughts and it helps others if they are pre warned in case they don't want to talk about that. Thank you, I wasn't sure if I should add it or not.



Your parents sound *so* supportive.... Are they always like this? Do you spend a lot of time with them? Yes they are pretty much always like this, I try to avoid situations that allow them to attack me. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking for advice, I have money in the business with my daughters Dad and we are trying to sort out the best way to deal with it to make sure it isn't wasted and helps. But yeah, it turned into a pretty harsh thing. I don't spend a lot of time with them, I don't have a car so it's 2 buses to get to them and I don't like to put them out with taking me back so it's a long journey. I talk on the phone briefly to them mostly, just to check in really.

Have you got to be referred again to counselling? Why did you think that they would judge you? How many animals did you have? Were you taking care of them properly? I'm not sure how I'd go about getting back on the counselling, feel like I've blown it. It was a great opportunity and I just couldn't deal with it. I didn't think she would judge me, I was judging myself. My beasties are a big deal to me, they are a massive coping mechanism for me and I couldn't keep them. It hit me really really hard. Not just in the loss of them but the lack of security, it's NOT my flat, belongs to someone else and they have authority. I did have far too many, as I said it's only a 2 bedroom flat. I had 19 rats, 2 hamsters, one mouse, 3 rabbits, 5 guinea pigs and the 2 young cats. Far far too many. Plus the tarantulas, roaches and snails. It had got out of hand. She wasn't bothered about the invertebrates, it was the others, so I re homed the rabbits, guineas, and most of the rats, the younger ones, and am left with 7 older female rats, 1 mouse, 1 hamster (1 died) and the 2 cats. Which is plenty! It's a lot easier to deal with and keep on top of, I was managing but it was an effort. The mouse alone has to be cleaned out, washed and scrubbed every week as he STINKS otherwise.


WRT your daughter - do you know why she's acting up? Is it hormonal or something different? My almost 16 year old has issues with school - but hers are more social and her not matching up to her own ideals of perfection, but school issues have a habit of dominating life don't they?
I'm glad you've got her some help, although it's not always easy to find. What do you think that she should be doing that she isn't? I think it is exactly those reasons, the idea of what and who she should be warring against who she actually is. It's not an easy time anyway and trying to find out where you fit in too is rubbish. She struggles with communicating, her emotions and what she wants to say, especially to adults/teachers and in a way that is acceptable. She's been on school report for 4 months as she won't hand it in. She gets them filled out in each class then just bins them. It's meant to be a 2 week thing maximum. It's not like the head of year doesn't know what happens anyway so it's just daft. Just lack of effort, she won't sort her books and stuff out, gets in trouble for forgetting her pe kit (loves pe) just little things.

Have you thought about getting some help with your finances? It always used to be brilliant - harsh but brilliant - to post on moneysavingexperts where you have people there who can sort your finances down to the last penny! Or the CAB? Or a debt management plan? I did the MoneyAdviceService income and expenditure form. That was really helpful. I've done a list of any debt I've got and am sorting out paying it off. It's just changing habits really. I do a list of what I have versus what I need to pay each week, then work out what I have left. I'm getting there, it's slow and I do still buy stuff but it's a bit more controlled.

Sorry! Loads of questions...

---

It might be worth talking to citizens advice - they’re really good at finding ways to help that you might not have considered. Just a thought ..

You are dealing with loads. Can you try organising what you have to focus on, then list everything in priority?
Wrt your daughter - have you had any time just you and her not talking about school etc? Maybe doing something really silly like watching a movie under duvets with popcorn etc? I always find that helps my kids.
WRT counselling - go back and see your GP and tell them what you've told us....