Need to talk

Hi All,

I am new to the forum and I really need a place to just vent. So not everything will make sens for you guys, but knowing that someone might hear me and even understand me, makes me want to post it here.

So I am woman 27 years old and this depression is one of many of the past 12 years. It comes and goes, sometimes my dark waves comes for months and sometimes just a hour. But it keeps bloody returning. I am trying so many different things to get this darkness out of me, but when it comes it just seems I am trying for nothing. I have tried normal therapy twice for longer periodes of time. It seems going better at that time, but as soon something goes wrong in my life, everything in me is reacting in darkness. I try to keep myself grounded, calm myself down. I don't know how many times I have told myself that everything is going to be fine.

I don't even have a hard life, I don't have to worry about money or roof above my head. My bf provides and I just started working part-time (just finished my study). It just next to my bf, I just got my family. And how lovely they all are, I miss having friends. I just feel freaking lonely. It makes my feel like everyone is just accepting me, but that's it. And if I were gone, who would really miss me? Would my bf not be way better off with out my drama? And yeah my mum will be sad, but I am sure she will move on. It feels like a completely forgot how to make friends and keep them. They all just seem to go and only stay for a short period of time.

No I don't want to kill myself, but god it is difficult to keep finding reasons to keep going. When I was studying I could say things will get better once I finish this year or the study. Now I am just empty waiting for my job to say I can work somewhere (because someone else is sick or on vacation). My structure of my days is just lost. So I am trying to find a better job, which fits me. I feel like am whining all the time to my bf about this stuff. Which he answers it is not that hard work yet. When you have a full time job it will be heavier. And I get that, I get that his work takes a lot of time and effort from him. I just feel like I am dragging an enormous bag over my shoulder all the time and at work I do my best effort to keep that darkness hidden. Just smile and wave...

So here I am crying, feeling like I am numb and whirlwind of emotions at the same time. Knowing that I will get help... after 4 months then the specialist will have time for me. Just thinking about that makes me feel like a knife goes through my heart. Why does mental health care takes such a long time. (In the Netherlands btw).

I know my bf want to help me, but just doesn't know what to do anymore and that makes me feel even more awful. I just feel like a burden who can't do anything right. Doesn't matter that completed stuff, done plenty of good stuff, I just feel so damn empty. I don't know anymore how to turn this feeling around. Who to bother next with my how many depression. This depression just seems like 10 times heavier then my last one.

Hi and welcome to DWD. There’s a uk website that can help talk about mental health (www.time-to-change.org.uk) - maybe that’ll help you and your partner talk things through. Are you taking any anti depressants?

Hunni, depression isnt biased - it doesn’t matter what’s going on in our lives, it can still hit us. I have a great life yet I’ve suffered from depression since I was 16 - 28 years. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re ill and you don’t believe you should be. It is an illness, just like any other and strikes just like any other

Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm sorry, I don't know why your post was moderated - I've sorted that now.

Sweetheart it doesn't matter where you are in the world, mental health services seem so stretched and waiting times feel so long - much longer if you're living those lists....
You should never feel that you are "bothering" people about your depression - you are poorly. You deserve to be heard and helped.