Trigger Warning - I am not sure what I need to do

So battling for 25 years on and off and in that time I have had many "normal" years. This year has been hard. Suicide attempt this time last year. Virtually constant thoughts and 1 attempt in the last week. Since Friday when out with a Friend, I have been a complete mess. Crying nearly all day and trying to keep the kids from finding me. Admitted to my wife about the recent attempt. We called the crisis line and I feel okay now. They are calling back in the morning as mornings are always much worse.
In the time I have had this, I have always maintained work and never missed more than a couple of days. I have always regarded work as what has kept me from failing completely. I also have no wish to be at home alone without work, so torn between taking time off and the anguish of returning or pushing on. The lows I have felt this week are way beyond what I have had before.
I honestly do not know what to do. I am scared of myself but almost more scared of waking to another day of mental horror.

Big hugs, lovely (panda) and well done for talking to your wife and the crisis team. Can you please make an urgent appt with your GP and, until you see a doctor, if things get too much please get to a&e?

I will but I am not sure what my options are. I feel absolutely hopeless to be honest. I know this is all in my head and I just dont think I have it in me to get well. I feel like I have been beaten.

Thank you for saying this on the forum. I feel the exact same way. I've been feeling 'off' since Christmas and this past week has been hell. BUT I made an appointment with my GP and with the people in the Day Hospital who treat mental health. I've been put onto some Benzo's to cover me over the weekend, and I've the support of a mental health nurse calling me today and tomorrow. But it's still very hard. Even with all the support it's damn hard. The MHN has made an appointment to see the pdoc next Wednesday and I'm already dreading it. I have a feeling I know what's coming but I won't know for sure until Wednesday.

Please make contact with your GP. It's a great starting point and they will point you in the right direction. It doesn't always mean meds, but it is good to have the support.

I will make an appointment, but my concern is do I take a break from work? My wife thinks not, I am scared to as I feel like it is the thin end of the wedge. My anxiety rockets when I have meetings and because my general anxiety is so high I worry the increase for the meetings will leave me wrecked. Because this is anxiety driven, I have always tried (mostly made it) to not avoid these situations.
I'm so confused but feel I have to change something as I am heading downwards fast.

Have you ever tried CBT? It sounds like something that could help possibly help you. I get how you feel about time off work but at the same time if it is contributing to the problem it may be sensible to take a break. If your condition impacts on your ability to do your job and that shows you could find yourself in hot water with the boss. Lots to consider but ultimately you have to do what’s right for you.

Hunni, if you had flu you’d take time off work, if you broke your leg you would too. Maybe some time off would give you the resources you need to nip this in the bud

I completely agree with the others - at least see your GP and talk through the options.

Today started badly for me again. Spent a good few hours in a real state. Unfortunately my kids were around and my wife had to explain what was wrong with me. My daughter was fine as she is 17 and had guessed all was not well, my son 13 took it badly and was upset. My wife contacted the crisis team who actually came to see me. It was a good few hours later so I was far less depressed, but still very anxious. They suggested that they would review the meds with their team and offered to come here for the next three days or by phone. I am intending on calling in sick to work Monday as I really can't face it. My brother and sister in law have asked me to stay with them for a week to try and get some space. I think my wife and children need a break from me as much as anything. I'm dreading taking time off as I have never done it before and I am worried that getting back will be hard, but hopefully the medication will start to work (day 8 of Sertraline 50mg). I usually hate staying away from home, but I feel this would work for me.

I'm glad you asked for support and that the crisis team are helping.. I think staying off work and getting some help on this might be a good thing to do - Have you told your GP about how you are feeling?

Not yet. I will be Monday. I am amazed how low I have been for the last week. In 25 years, it has been the worse 72 hours of the whole illness.

Can you definitely tell them? It might mean you need a change in meds or dosage...

I will be giving them a blow by blow account. I am quite annoyed as the Crisis nurse told me that the Sertraline can make anxiety worse for the first 2 weeks. If I had known that I would have had an idea of what I was in for. My anxiety levels have been way beyond anything I have had before.

I’m so relieved the crisis team are supporting you and do think some time off work would be a help right now. Well done for dealing with some difficult decisions today.

Wrt side effects, some doctor’s may feel that, as not everybody has the same side effects, it’s best not saying that ‘this or that may happen’ as they may very well not itms

Paula. I know what you mean as if you read the whole "possible side effects" and did suffer from them all, you would never take them. My issue was that my anxiety was really high when I saw him a couple of weeks ago and I have felt so much worse since. Saying that, it may be that my anxiety was on the up anyway.

You're right it could be a coincidence, but honestly do talk to them about it.

Update - I came back from a week with my brother and sister in law. I didn't think I was very close to my brother, but he and my sister in law were brilliant. I must admit I had some awful days and pretty much daily melt downs but the support was incredible. I came home Saturday and felt okay until today really. Today was the first day alone and 8th day off work. The crisis team took me off the Sertraline as they believed it was probably not helping. They made the connection that my last serious episode Jan 2017 was within one week of me being put on it. Oddly enough I had not made that connection. Today I had a nurse and psychiatrist from the crisis team over and they suggested that as I had tried pretty much all of the various families of AD and Anxiety medications, that it was pointless trying any more. I must admit that scared the hell out of me. I have an appointment with the local phycologists next week to see about therapy rather than medication. The Crisis team have been brilliant really but knowing I have to work it out without medication worries me.

What meds have you tried? There are so many out there and so many possible combinations that I don't understand why they would have said that....

Really glad that you've had a good week with your brother and his wife. What about seeing how things go and keeping an accurate diary of how you are feeling etc?

Suzi. Oddly enough, I have just had a similar conversation with my sister in law. Initially in 1996 I tried Prozac, then I believe Amitriptyline and Lithium. From about 2004-2016 Citalopram, then Mirtazapine and Sertraline. I am still on the Mirtazapine.

There are others you could try...

My husband has had Citalopram, Ecitalopram, Fluoxetine (he was on this one for years at 60mg - highest dose), then fluoxetine, then mirtazapine and now venlafexine which is like a miracle for him!

Suzi, if you don't mind me asking ?Were they prescribed for depression or anxiety? My depression I am pretty sure is caused by anxiety.

I’ve done the rounds with meds too. Citalopram, Sertraline, Fluoxetine, Duloxetine, Imipramine, Amitriptyline and Mirtazapine. I’ve been on a combo of Duloxetine and Mirtazapine for a few years now and it keeps me relatively stable most of time.

Yep. Same here. Citalopram, sertraline, mirtazapine, sertraline and mirtazapine, escitalopram, duloxetine, venlafaxine, fluoxetine and am now on paroxetine, which although don't work great, help to reduce the suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harming.

I'm on propanolol for anxiety. It doesn't cure it but works to reduce the physical symptoms so it's much easier to deal with.

Jaquaia you have reminded me that I take bisoprolol for my heart as I had a heart attack about 7 years ago.

My husband took bisoprolol, but he had horrible side effects and stopped taking it very quickly lol.. Yes all were prescribed to him via his GP or a psych - there's another one, but I can't remember which one it was.... All originally prescribed for depression - but the fluoxetine is known to help both - as is the venlafexine that he's on now. Also he's had a long time of psychotherapy too.