Hello👋 **TRIGGERS AB & SU
Hello, My Name is Claire, Zebra Claire because I have a rare genetic disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome.
I used to belong to DWD a few years ago, for those that remember me I was Veggie back then.
I'm proud to use my real name this time round.
So where do I start?! I have suffered depression on & off all my life. I came for a violent dysfunctional family, the perpetrator was my mother.
Growing up was pretty traumatic, my father sexually abused me from the age of 3-4 through until I was 12 & my mother would physically & mentally abuse me.
I grew up believing I was unlikeable, dirty, unlovable, evil & a worthless piece of crap. I also grew up totally controlled by my narsasisstic mother. Told what to think, what to say, who to be friends with.
I would witness much violence from my mother to my father, I've seen him beaten, stabbed & all sorts.
So that was the start of my life, then I Met Simon, my amazing husband, he freed me!!
I had 5yrs of councelling from cmht & masses of councelling from Simon. He helped me find myself & helped me become me.
That was 35yrs ago & we are still happy together, he is my soul mate, my life.
As usual life gets in the way at times and we have been through lots of ups & downs as have many people.
We have a gorgeous 29yr old daughter, whom we fought so hard for. We had to have fertility treatment to have her & after 4 hrs we finally had our beautiful baby.
I swore our daughter would never have the life I endured & I protected her with everything I have.
When she was in her final year of secondary school she was badly bullied & ended up running away.
We eventually found she had travelled miles away up north.
A year later, our daughter told me something terrible had happened to her when she ran away.
Our poor baby had kept it in for a whole year.
All I could see was her frightened face & how terrified she must have been😥 I wasn't there to protect her & that thought destroyed me.
By now I was a member of DWD & had been talking a little.
Not long after our daughter told me what had happened I had a call out of the blue from a hospital saying my father was seriously ill.
I hadn't spoken to him for years, not being in the right frame of mind as it was, I stupidly went to see him & I watched him die an awful death.
It totally freaked me out! My mother acted as if nothing had ever happened & thought that I would just go back & look after her. There was no way that was going to happen.
When she doesn't get her own way she usually does something to win.
This time she attempted to take her life.
I had a call from the hospital & I told them I would not be visiting & told them the reason why!
By now I kind of felt numb, I felt caged, desperate & so totally & utterly overwhelmed by it all.
I was left arranging his funeral, I have a sister who was also abused & also my mothers favourite. She made sure I knew it too!
I desperately needed an escape, an outlet where life didn't have problems, I began talking to a guy online, i can honestly say there was no romance, nothing sexual, it was just someone to talk to.
I knew it was wrong but just wanted a total stranger to talk to that knew nothing about me.
I somehow got it into my head that if i ran away like our daughter & let happen to me what had happened to her it would make it right...pretty screwed up right, but that's the state i was in.
One morning when Simon had gone to work, i got in the car & just drove & kept on driving.
I ended up somewhere up North too, almost hysterical & not knowing where i was going.
Simon & our daughter were trying to ring me as were friends but i wouldn't answer, i just kept driving.
I can't even remember how i got there.
I just wanted to die by this stage.
Eventually I couldn't keep going & pulled into a lay by where I sobbed my heart out, wet myself & was generally in a total mess.
Suddenly my phone rang again...I really don't know what made me answer but I'm so glad I did because it was Suzi, my clever daughter had managed to get hold of her & tell her what I had done.
Suzi saved my life that night, I will never forget how Suzi & her husband had to try & figure out where I was, I didn't have a clue but knew I had seen a sign pointing to the south on the other side of the road sometime back.
Suzi managed to guide me back to a meeting point where she had arranged for Simon to meet me.
I just about managed to get there but had no battery left & hot lost again at one point.
I couldn't let Simon know where I was, I felt panicked & so alone.
But there he was waiting for me, I collapsed into his arms & cried what little emotion I had left in me.
I had been driving 12 hours by then & had to follow Siom home in the car he had borrowed.
The next day he took me to the dr & they confirmed i had a massive breakdown.
He wasn't allowed to leave me on my own as i was suicidal.
With time, help & patience though i came back up.
I regret so much hurting my family, the pain i caused them will always hurt my heart.
Now 12 years on from that horrendous nightmare i am strong mentally, of course I get off days, especially with this damn Ehlers-Danlos syndrome making me poorly but over all I have made it from the depths again with the love & support of my little family.
Our daughter...well she's married now with 3 beautiful children & I feel truly blessed to have the tight, loving family unit we have got.
I love to help anyone & if I can do that by offering help & showing that I know what it's like to be in the depths of despair.
If I can claw my way up many others can too!!
Sorry it's so long, I'll finish now so you can draw a breath & maybe have a lie down!
With love, Claire🦓
