I’m stuck I really need help

Hey guys, I’m new to this forum and forums in general for this type of thing.
I’ll be honest with you, I know it’s a self profecy but I’m not expecting much after 14 long years of a depression cycle. That being said I’m desperate to reconnect with life and the people around me so I will give it my all.

So here it is...
I struggle to get out of bed every day. Most days I don’t and my friends that I’ve managed to cling on to have become accustomed to calling me a hermit. It’s a laugh to them, it’s banter... to me it (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing hurts to the core. It’s a reminder every time I talk to them that I’m not doing well at this life thingy majig.
I have a job at a recruitment agency, I used to be a recruiter but the pressure got to me and i crumbled like a warm apple pie. Thankfully the boss has a ton of patience for me but not for depression (he thinks it’s a millennial problem), so I’ve built up lies about stomach problems to keep my job.

I live with my girlfriend and her parents... which I am so ashamed about... I’m 28. They put up with me but make sure to let me know I’m a waste of space. My girlfriend is such a wonderful person and I feel guilty for dragging her down with me. She’s ambitious, motivated and positive and I struggle to keep up. We’ve had several talks over the years (been together 5 yrs) about breaking up. I start them, because I love her so much and she deserves better than me. For some crazy reason she’s still here.

I lost my dad to cancer in 2014, my mums a Facebook mum at best and I don’t see my siblings much at all, they’re as (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed up as me with their own problems.

I smoke weed, and I’m trying to quit. I love smoking to be honest but I’m determined to eliminate any depression triggers in my life. But it’s so hard, it’s my safe place when the roar in my head gets too loud.
I’m on mirtazapine (anti depressants), but it’s obviously not working. The weed is a coping strategy that doesn’t really work in the long run, but it’s better than self harm. My arms are covered in scars from my first introduction to depression in my teens.

I need things to change, I honestly fear that if this goes on I won’t see 30. I guess it’s a good thing I still have fight in me but we’re on round 12, I’m knackered and I just want it to be over one way or another.

I feel trapped, I can’t go out and function because it seems an insurmountable task every day yet I beat myself up for my apathy. This in turn adds to the pressure. It’s a vicious cycle.

Please help me

Hey there...

1st of all - you have nothing to be ashamed of living with your girlfriends parents, the rental/buying market is crazy!

When did you last speak to your GP about how you are feeling and have an honest meds review?

Thanks for replying Suzi.
I know it’s wrong to compare but I see my friends progressing in life, having kids, buying houses or getting mortgage, getting promotions.. and I rent a room in my girlfriends parents house and am barely keeping a job down,. It’s hard not to feel pathetic.
I last spoke to my GP about 2 months ago when I decided to open up about my weed use and continuing depression. That’s when he put me back on mirtazapine (been on it before).
I managed to leave a voicemail with a recovery hub place that he advised me to speak to. Of course they haven’t got back to me and I’ve been too much of a wuss to phone again.

It's not being a wuss to not call them back at all - anxiety is terrible!
Would you make an appointment asap to go and tell your Dr how you are feeling (honestly)? Maybe print out what you've posted here or write a bullet pointed list?

I know how you you feel. I'm 34, unemployed and live with my parents. I feel pathetic and a burden a lot of the time. I don't feel like I achieved much with my life at all but I have to keep telling myself that I've been ill a long time. I've suffered with anxiety since I was a child, and depression more than likely since my teens. I was only diagnosed when I was 22 and it was a struggle to get through my degree but I did it. Sometimes you just have to find the strength from somewhere to keep fighting for the care you deserve. It's taken me 12 years, 5 referrals to the secondary mental health team and 9 different medications, but I finally have a medication that makes a difference to me. Keep fighting and keep talking (panda)

It's good that you've managed to go to your gp about it, that's the first step, I'm still struggling with making an appointment with mine, your girlfriend obviously loves you very much and sees the good in you that is there even if you can't see it yourself :)

Hi Justchris,

I've joined the site today and completely relate to where you're coming from, I've been struggling for the past 10 years and have been through anxiety/panic attacks with trips to A&E thinking it was a heart attack. I'm 32 and live at home with my parents and feeling like I'm running out of options. You're not alone even when you feel like you are, you've got a wonderful girlfirned supporting you, just take things one day at a time. I know it's not helpful advice but it's the way I've been coping.

ItÂ’s time for a medication review anyway, so I have to make an appointment. I had planned on asking for a higher dose and leaving it at that, but I guess youÂ’re right I should push the issue. I will do this in the next few days :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dcalong

Hi Justchris,

I've joined the site today and completely relate to where you're coming from, I've been struggling for the past 10 years and have been through anxiety/panic attacks with trips to A&E thinking it was a heart attack. I'm 32 and live at home with my parents and feeling like I'm running out of options. You're not alone even when you feel like you are, you've got a wonderful girlfirned supporting you, just take things one day at a time. I know it's not helpful advice but it's the way I've been coping.

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Sounds like you know exactly how I feel. ItÂ’s a lonely place to be, I think we all need reminding now and then that weÂ’re worth a damn