Don't know where to turn or what to do

I'll try to keep this brief to save a very long post, so forgive bullet points.

Family history of depression including parent, grand parent, sibling.

Suffered from early teens.

Either overwhelming sadness resulting in being able to enjoy anything, or look forward to anything - Christmas, holidays, special events etc.

Or...

Varying levels of social anxiety - not being able to answer the phone or the answer the door, or just hating every second of being at an event unless I'm in a bubble of people I know and trust. Recent Christmas party in work despite my trying my best was hell.

Everyone else seems to be having fun and being relaxed, yet I just want to die, hide and run away.

Married, two kids. Wife supportive but not much help.

Tried Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Venlafaxine, Sertraline and Mirtazapine.

Mirtazapine helped a little with anxiety but didn't touch the depression, plus left me an exhausted, angry and irritable zombie and a nightmare for my kids and wife to live with.

The others had a mild impart on both depression and anxiety with the best probably fluoxetine, however they all give me terrible sexual side effects. Inability to get or feel aroused, achieve orgasm or generally feel/enjoy anything. Like there was a disconnected link in my brain.

I totally get that this is a result of almost all AD medicines.

Here's the problems though.... Sex and sexual enjoyment is absolutely, totally and utterly fundamental to my well being. It;s the one thing in my life I cling on to for some kind of pleasure and release. It's my only 'thing' and to take this away is as bad as the depression.

I'm not one of those people who enjoys sex every few days or once or twice a week - whether with my wife or more often on my own, it's a daily feature of my life and when this was taken away, I fell apart.

I've tried 3 different GPS and none of them are interested, taking the view that "It's just one of those things you'll have to put up with".

Not me.

I've given up taking the SSRI SNRIs etc, etc as they all have the same effect.

What absolutely boils my pi$$ and bounces my valves is that the internet is riddled with happy Americans and Canadians who enjoy Wellbutrin (Bupropion) without sexual side effects, yet it's not available in the UK for depression due to cost.

I've asked for it each and every time and been turned down as they can't and won't prescribe it off label.

I'm at the point of considering buying it off some dodgy Turkish website just to see if it works, but surely that's not the way we treat depression in the UK?

I'm at my whits end, utterly fed up and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

To those of you who are not sexual beings, or have sexual pleasure as high on their personality make up as me, this post probably will not resonate, but I pray there might be someone out these that can relate to my plight and advise on a route to success.

For the record, achieving and maintaining an erection is not a problem and never has been. The issue is that it might as well belong to someone else, as I can't feel anything and just end up enormously frustrated, unfulfilled and ultimately massively depressed again. i.e viagra is not the answer. A non-sexual side effects inducing AD is the answer, but I'm denied access in the UK.

I've worn out the internet looking for solutions and can only find multiple threads and articles from other Brits who also cannot get access to Wellbutrin.

Best way I can describe it is like amputating the legs of a ballet dancer to treat chronic hip pain. Great, the hip pain is treated, but....

Ok, I'm not sure where I'm headed with this response, so bear with me?

I get that sex and sexual activity is incredibly important to you, and I'm sure there are solutions which I'll head to in a bit, but is it not more important to be stable mentally before having sex?
There are far more anti d's than the ones you have mentioned and there are many, many more combinations available which might help? If your GP isn't able to suggest something more helpful than "live with it" then maybe you could be referred to a psych for more help? Or the CMHT?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Ok, I'm not sure where I'm headed with this response, so bear with me?

I get that sex and sexual activity is incredibly important to you, and I'm sure there are solutions which I'll head to in a bit, but is it not more important to be stable mentally before having sex?
There are far more anti d's than the ones you have mentioned and there are many, many more combinations available which might help? If your GP isn't able to suggest something more helpful than "live with it" then maybe you could be referred to a psych for more help? Or the CMHT?

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I'd love to be mentally stable, but whenever I've got near that state, I've then suffered the sexual side effects that then makes me miserable, frustrated and withdrawn - the ballet dancer without legs' scenario. My self esteem plummets, the one thing in life I enjoy is taken away and I just spiral into misery again. I was on fluoxetine for 6 years. It was miserable.

My GP(s) seem to want to keep trying SSRI/SNRI drugs, one after the other, each time causing me a new set of side effects then withdrawal symptoms, only to be be faced with the common denominator of the sexual side effects.

They want to keep trying, yet don't seem to realise that all SSRI/SNRI drugs have that risk - every medical website there is acknowledge that one of the side effects of SSRI/SNRIs is sexual problems - not all suffer, but many do and I'm one of them, big time.

Why keep trying the same type of drugs by various different names when the key fundamental way they work causes that effect with me. I'm allergic to all nuts. It's like the Doctor is insistent to keep trying me on different types of nut in case I'm not allergic to one of them - give up already, I'm allergic to nuts!!

Forgive me - I'm just so frustrated.

I appreciate that there are lots and lots of drugs available, but the only one I can find that doesn't have any reports of sexual side effets is Wellbutrin.

Unless anyone else can point me towards another?

Can I just say welcome to DWD.

We aren't qualified to suggest medication to you I'm afraid. All we can do is talk about our own experiences... Have you had counselling? There has to be other options. I really think you should ask for more help and support with other options.

Hi and welcome. Have you talked to your doctor about treating your depression with talking therapies? ADs are not the only form of treatment ....

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Originally Posted by Paula

Hi and welcome. Have you talked to your doctor about treating your depression with talking therapies? ADs are not the only form of treatment ....

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Thanks for the replies.

I've had a course of counselling sessions last year that helped sort a few back ground issues, but the medical/chemical imbalance exists irrespective and has done for the last 25 years or so.

I went to the Doctors again this afternoon after a very rough weekend and she has agreed to refer me to a consultant psych specialist to see what's what.

This is a source of some hope - of what I'm not sure, but it's a step in the right direction.

Dear Ovalbug I understand exactly from where you are coming from. The 'sex' part kept me alive in the days of deepest and darkest depression. It got me into some trouble too. It is a long time ago. I had all the talking therapies too and it was a combination of medication and 'talking' therapies that got me well. I had inpatient treatment too. I can't offer solutions and was offered seroxat and a lengthy period on dothiepin which was very helpful at the time. 'Feeling' nothing is a feature of depression and to be denied the erotic part of your make -up must be a bitter pill.
I am now on a cocktail of lithium and mirtazapine - prescribed by a psychiatrist but after a lengthy uphill battle.
I'm all for the consultation with the psychiatrist and hopefully you will be able to find something that deals with the depression but does not flatten everything else as well.

Well done for going back to speak to your GP and I'm glad you're going to get that referral too.

Thanks for the replies.

Would anyone who has had a psych referral be able to guide me through what to expect?

The first session is normally really general - just a who are you, why are you there, background kind of session. But prepare to be exhausted afterwards and always make sure you plan something to be kind to yourself too.

Is it more of a counselling session? Should I try and self diagnose from all my research or just let them probe and find stuff out rather than influence their opinion?

dont Try to self diagnose, that’s never a good thing for any illness. I dont know exactly how things will be done as it changes from doctor/therapist to doctor/therapist. I suggest go in with an open mind but also with an idea of what you’re looking for out of this treatment. And see how it goes

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Originally Posted by Paula

dont Try to self diagnose, that’s never a good thing for any illness. I dont know exactly how things will be done as it changes from doctor/therapist to doctor/therapist. I suggest go in with an open mind but also with an idea of what you’re looking for out of this treatment. And see how it goes

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Thanks - I guess the end game is a treatment that combats the depression, social anxiety and that doesn't cause sexual dysfunction.

I hope you find it and that this is the start of that.

Anyone have any idea how long it typically takes to get an appointment after a psych referral?

I'm really low at the moment and feeling a little desperate for help.

It varies from area to area - do you have the number of the unit that you’ve been referred to so you can ask them how long 8ts likely to be? In the meantime, there are crisis helplines you can call and we’ve listed the details. In the UK and Ireland http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....UK-amp-Ireland and worldwide helplines are http://www.dealingwithdepression.co....ness-Worldwide

Thanks Paula - All my GP said was that I'll get a letter, "probably after Christmas". That's all I have to cling to. My wife is very supportive, but I just hate feeling this miserable, helpless, joyless and generally "what's the point in living". I' totally conscious of it and have complete self awareness, but just not the power to do anything about it.

Knitting fog.

Also if you are at danger of hurting yourself then you can always go to A+E and ask to speak to the on duty psych nurse/team.... (bear)

It's very difficult to find motivation to do anything when all you can see is black fog. Take things easy, be kind to yourself and even take a walk if you feel like you can do no more. A walk can release the feel good hormone and can really help.

Does anyone else find that in a really busy and demanding job that they don't have time to feel depressed?
Like it's just go-go-go none stop with no time to reflect or stop and look around?
One meeting after another, a report, some analysis, another meeting, a long drive etc, etc.

It's only when I get home, sit down and to try and relax, especially at weekends that it suddenly hits me and I feel empty, weighed down and without a purpose.

In fact weekends have become the worst, which depresses me even more as that's exactly the time I should be feeling happier and more relaxed.

Without sounding all 'victim' or 'woe is me', weekends highlight how empty my life is - no friends, no party invites, no trips out or things to look forward to, no reason to get out of bed.

I know this sounds all of my own making, but when you've got social anxiety and zero motivation to get out of bed - it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Or is it just me?

Definitely not just you... Is there anyway that you can find a way of meeting new people and putting more structure to your weekends? I know it's tough, I really do..

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Definitely not just you... Is there anyway that you can find a way of meeting new people and putting more structure to your weekends? I know it's tough, I really do..

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Easier said than done I guess - it's the sort of thing I'd need to be in the right frame of mind/confidence to be able to do - catch-22.

Please can I share another self observation to see if this is just another common symptom of genera depression or whether this points to a specific element of the illness?

I find that my emotional coping capacity is tiny. The best way I can explain that is to imagine everyone has a coping tank in their brain which deals with problems, challenges and issues on a day to day basis. Depending on how life is going, a well person might have an emotional tank that is say 20-50% full on any given day, meaning that if a 45% (pretty big) problem comes along, they have the capacity to deal with it. it might make them sad, fed up, cross etc within the boundaries of 'normal', but fundamentally, they did not reach the maximum capacity of their coping tank and they function normally.

I feel I'm living with my coping tank 95% full at all times, where only the slightest problem, hinderacne, thwart, rejection or any other element of life that doesn't got to plan, even if it's only a 6% sized issue that should just be brushed off, tips me over the edge and I simply can't cope - I shut down, fall off the cliff of misery and just want to give up on everything - total and complete "what's the point of even trying" state of mind. Often with considerable frustration, anger and despair.

An example. Despite feeling very low, I managed to muster every ounce of will, enthusiasm and energy I could to drag myself off the sofa and force myself to mow the lawns. I mapped it all out in my head, worked out how long it would take, where are the keys to the shed were, which lawn I'd cut first, where my ear defenders are (it's a noisy petrol one) etc, all in an effort to make sure I was in no way thwarted. So in a 'Hail Mary' burst of 'come on, lets fight this', I get my coat and shoes on, grasp the keys to the shed and went for it..... come on, you can do this.....

Only to find that the mower had run out of petrol which would require me to nip round the corner and fill up the can from the petrol station. This was a 6% problem. BOOM.

Gave up, downed tools, walked away in total despair and went to bed, sleeping for the rest of the day to try and bury my frustration and despair. All whilst knowing full well what that must sound/read like to a rational NT person, yet not being able to do anything about it.

Ring true with anyone?

Oh you have no idea just how many times I’ve sat in the middle of a room in tears because it is too messy to deal with and I don’t know where to start. Then there is the over planning just like your lawnmower procedure because you just know that the simplest think can throw you out for the rest of the day, or week or even longer sometimes. Then the pity party that follows after the epic fail to carry out a simple everyday task making you the worst person on the planet in that precise moment. I can totally relate to what your saying.

Oh yes, I know that particular party well. Total meltdown after spilling nail varnish, screaming at my family because they didn’t worry about something I’d told them not to worry about. Pretty much every day I’m close to my limit of emotional tolerance.

Yes, when we are in a very anxious/depressed state the slightest thing can cause a retreat to our cave. It is definitely part of the illness. Do you keep a journal? It may be helpful to note down the things you have achieved, however small (eg making a cup of tea) Self-compassion is something that is initially hard because we are often so critical of ourselves. It is important to be kind, giving ourselves small treats. If you haven’t come across Dr Cantopher’s book ‘Depressive illness:Curse of the Strong’ it may be worth a look, it was a turning point for me.

I get it too....

Thanks all - at least I know it's part of the problem. There's DIY jobs round the house that need doing - the bit of silicone needed round the bath, the little chunk of plaster missing by the bathroom window etc - can I face them? No chance. They're a one way ticket to a 3 day downward spiral.

I really hope that the psych referral comes through quickly as I finished from work today and can already feel myself slipping.

Yesterday was a bit of a bummer. I had a rare day off, and in a fit of trying to 'force myself well', vacuumed the house, put the bins out, and by some miracle managed to complete our annual treat to M&S food hall for some Christmas dinner treats. Despite being mentally exhausted after all that, I managed to make dinner for when my wife returned. Big deal you may scoff - I get it, but I work far longer hours than my wife and sadly she does the lions share of domestic chores like that, and I wanted to do it as a treat and not to be seen as moping on the sofa all day whilst she worked.

Sadly, my wife had had a rough day and was exhausted when she got home, so had no real energy or enthusiasm to show the gratitude and appreciation that my selfish, pathetic and desperate need for validation craved. She was pleased, but only mildly so. What did I do? Spiralled into despair and went straight to bed after loading the dish washer - couldn't face another minute of the day. Not blaming her for anything, just not able to rationalise the situation.

It's like I'm constantly clutching at straws, trying to seek out even a whiff of enjoyment or satisfaction from something - ANYTHING, but when this doesn't come, I mentally collapse.

How rubbish.

Not rubbish at all - but I am sure that your wife was really touched, pleased and thankful that you did all that yesterday.

How are things today?

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Originally Posted by magie06

How are things today?

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Not too bad thanks - I had to collect my daughter from school at midday as they broke up early which got me out the house. My wife was very supportive when she came home and I've been amusing myself with some old youtube videos and eating too much pre-Christmas food.

Two things have kept me afloat today - firstly, I received my psych letter confirming my appointment for Friday 5th January, which I'm quite impressed with - let's see what they have to say.

Secondly, I've been procrastinating for months regarding getting some cosmetic dentistry to re-align my front teeth, which due to over crowding are starting to bother me in that they're beginning to look noticeably off kilter and I've caught a few customers recently looking at them which doesn't help my confidence. So this morning I bit the bullet and paid my deposit. A lot of money but a worth while investment I think on many fronts.

Instead of sulking off to bed early tonight with the kids, I've 'booked' some 'us' time with my wife to watch something funny on TV for an hour before bed to lift my spirits. I guess I just need to try and keep positive momentum going and avoid any bumps in the road or triggers that might set me off.

Delicate, but coping.

That's very good news. You've done amazingly well today. You should be very proud of yourself.

Well done, hunni, you did good yesterday :)

That's such a positive post! Hoorah!

Just popping in to say hello. (hi)

Hanging in there. Not massively down, but not up, either. No drive or enthusiasm to do anything, not keen on leaving the house and very vulnerable to triggers. My wife has gone back to work and I feel very lonely when she's gone, even through I have the kids to look after - a stress in itself.

Another question to the floor - is a symptom of depression always finding fault with something or someone. i.e you fevelop and mindset that is based around, if I could just solve/fix this/that, then everything would be okay? But then should that go away, another thing would come along that would be the source of the depression and so on.

A person I know who doesn't now about my condition told me once that I have a "destructive pursuit of perfection", and whilst he doesn't realise it, those words resonated with me hugely. My personality? My depression? Or an unfortunate combination of both?

Anyone else always trying to fix something/change something as the source of their depression?

I (just about) have enough common sense/self awareness to realise that if this is indeed a symptom of depression, that I need to solve the depression, not fix my perceived issues.

Anyone been through that journey?

Sorry for all the typos - annoying there isn't an edit function.

"Develop a mindset"
"Person I know"

Yes, I think the quest for perfection and wanting something/things fixed is definitely part of anxiety/depression! I think seeing the psychiatrist will really help (in my case, this is true) Also, loneliness is also part of the condition.

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Originally Posted by Arty

Yes, I think the quest for perfection and wanting something/things fixed is definitely part of anxiety/depression! I think seeing the psychiatrist will really help (in my case, this is true) Also, loneliness is also part of the condition.

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Please could you tell me what happened during your psych meeting and what the outcome was?

I tend to over simplify things and can;t see past a conversation going along the lines of...

What's up?

Long term clinical depression, PTSD, social anxiety.

What have you tried so far?

I list all the drugs tried and their intolerable side effects - all SSRIs + Mitrazapine, (plus months of talking therapy).

He/she says, "yes, they're common side effects of these drugs".

I say - "yes I know, I've 'finished the internet' looking for an answer - please can I try Wellbutrin as it looks to work well, with no sexual side effects"

He/she says "I wouldn't recommend that for you, as you have significant anxiety which will be exasperated with Bupropion..."


I'm just frightened that there isn't a solution available.

Ok.. I saw my psych. for quite a few appts during which I told him in detail my symptoms (2 nervous breakdowns within 18 months) I was already on Citalopram & Mirtazapine but was in a very bad way. He changed my meds over a number of weeks. I totally understand how desperate you are and how right now you think that there won’t be a solution (I felt the same!) Psychiatrists have a lot of experience and are far better than GPs with Mental health (stating the obvious) Until you see him/her please try to be kind to yourself and rest as much as possible.