Anhedonia

Hi all,

I kind of stumbled upon this site and thought that it would be a nice place just to vent.

I am in my late 30s and have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a child. Even though I'm currently under the care of a psychiatrist and am doing CBT therapy online I don't feel that anything is helping.

I am an expat in a country that I really don't like and was bullied in my previous job until the point where I got physically sick.

Now I'm living in some kind of bubble, I started SSRI a few weeks ago after a few months off them and they are taking the edge of the anxiety. My biggest problem is however that I've lost interest in everything. Literally everything, I used to have many interests and was a quite social person, now I'm just sitting around watching true crime documentaries to make time pass.

Music and art used to be my biggest passions, now I barely even listen to music nor view art since they don't mean anything to me.

The only advice I get is that I'm not depressed, I don't have anxiety, I have a personality issue and need to set some goals for myself. My response is always the question "How can I set goals when I don't want to do anything?" just gives me new advice on setting goals.

I just don't know what to do, this feels like hell, walking around like a ghost without being able to enjoy anything. If I knew what was wrong or had any sort of interests I could focus my energy on that but as it is it just feels pointless.

Even though I'm glad I went back on medicines (10 mg Escitalopram at the moment) they really don't solve anything on their own, when the anxiety got better it just made everything gray appear even clearer.

I am not suicidal but the thought of living the rest of my life like this terrifies me, it's been 30 years and I just don't see how this will get any better.

My therapist that I see every other week insists that there really isn't anything major wrong with me ("I know depressed people and people with anxiety and you're not one of them"), however I don't get any clear answers on what I need to do to start living again.I'm trying to take long walks, to listen to various kinds of music to get some kind of interest going again but there is absolutely no spark anymore.

I am talking to fewer and fewer people and have lost many friends since I don't have any interest in hanging out with them anymore, since I'm not interested in anything I'm not interested in them and their lives (I know it sounds harsh and self centered...). I don't enjoy food and drinks anymore, most things taste bland.

Since a while back I smoke weed pretty much every night, the only thing that can make me feel anything at all. I know that it probably isn't that good for the situation but I've tried stopping and the only thing that happens is that the grayness gets even more unbearable.

I just don't know what to do anymore, this is getting worse and worse and nobody seems to be able to help me, at the very least I myself.

Anyway, sorry for the whining, but I could really need some people who are (or have been) in the same situation, since I don't have anyone to talk to who understands!

Hi and welcome. Your therapist does not sound helpful in the slightest! Depression manifests differently in different people. I fail to see what they think they'll achieve!

Hi and welcome. I agree with Jaq! If you’re struggling to enjoy your life to this extent, that’s an issue that needs resolving. Can you/do you want to find another therapist?

I do understand living with MH issues for most of your life, I was 16 when I had my first breakdown and I’m now 44..... It’s hard to accept that this is unlikely to go away any time soon. But there are ways of managing things to help cope much of the time. Do you have support around you, family for instance? What about the future, will you be able to move back home for instance?

Hi and welcome! I completely agree! Is there chance of changing therapists? Every single member who has registered here as a genuine person has had different experiences of depression and for a therapist of all people to compare you like that is deeply concerning.

There are so many options out there, so many things that can help if you give them time or if you are given them as an option..

Hi and welcome. I agree with the others, maybe it's time to return to your gp and just tell them what you told us. If that seems like too big a deal, just print it out and hand it to them. Or you could just show them on your phone.
Have a look around the site here. You'll find that we are mostly a friendly bunch, and there's nearly always someone to talk to.