World Autism Awareness Day.
My FB post from last year
As today is World Autism Awareness Day what better time to speak out. Back in November last year, after a year long journey, I received an ASC diagnosis. That’s Autism Spectum Condition. I am Autistic. I’ve always been autistic and I always will be. At the age of 44 that was quite a lot to take in and I’ll be completely honest and say that prior to my diagnostic journey I was, like many others, ignorant to what autism really is and when I have told people about my diagnosis I have been met with some disappointing reactions from others who clearly don’t understand what I’m telling them.
No, I don’t “look” autistic, because autistics don’t have a look. We don’t have a badge or a tattoo labelling us with the condition for everyone to see. No it can’t be “fixed” now I know about it.
But I “seem so normal”. That’s because my whole life I have been told to try and act a certain way and to do things the way society deems it should be done and I’ve tried to fit that mould often to my detriment.
Everybody on the spectrum is different, we all have different strengths and weaknesses so I’m going to try and make you all understand some of the traits I have that I know you will have noticed and not realised that when you put them all together and look at the bigger picture the signs were always there.
I was the kid who didn’t get on with people my own age so much and so my real friends were often younger than me. In fact even now they still are.
When I found something I was interested in it bordered on obsession and I had to learn all there was to know about it. A couple of examples, my love of Michael Jackson since the age of 8, or my passion of the Ford Capri. Yeah I was a little over enthusiastic about stuff at times. Ok ALL the time 😂
Emotionally, I don’t always express my feelings the way others do so regularly people think I don’t care or that I’m over reacting. I’ve been described as cold or numb because I didn’t cry when I lost people close to me. Or a drama queen because I’ve blown up over something small to everyone else but was a huge deal to me.
I’ve struggled for many years with my mental health, I’ve found it hard to adjust to changing roles throughout life, and that has had a huge impact on me. Not knowing where I stand as everything around me changes, causing depression and anxiety.
I have a different personality for different groups of people, a bit like Worzel Gummidge had a different head for different scenarios. Some will know me as slightly reserved and unadventurous, others recognise me as the life and soul of the party, or anything in between. This not only depends on how comfortable I feel around you but also the role you have inadvertently given me because of the position within a group that needs to be filled and my need to try and fit in.
I will say and do things on occasion which is deemed inappropriate or embarrassing and often people take offence. I don’t mean to upset anyone and often don’t realise that it’s inappropriate. I can be incredibly blunt and a little too honest for some people. I can’t help being who I am and although I have developed many masks to help me pass as just a regular person sometimes I don’t have the energy to keep up the pretence and the mask slips.
I can get overwhelmed by my senses. Textures, sounds, lighting, smells are slightly enhanced and certain situations and combinations can cause me to become tense, anxious and short tempered. I don’t like to be touched unless it is on my terms. Unsolicited hugs are abuse! I don’t like it.
I thought everyone thought the same way I do so imagine my surprise when I learned that I was special. That I could see details that most people overlooked, how my logical processing skills were so much better than many other people, my ability to deconstruct and recreate what I see with ease. This is just a small look into what makes me who I am and I am happy to bet that most folk reading this can relate to parts of what I’ve written and thought “I do that and I’m not autistic”. Autism isn’t the individual traits. It’s a combination of many traits covering key areas. Don’t worry, you can’t catch it 😉 Only the select few are blessed from birth.
I would ask those close to me to find out more about autism spectrum condition. I’m happy to point you in the direction of a few articles. Now I have my diagnosis a lot has changed for me. I intend to stop pretending to be like everyone else. I’m going to speak out about the things I find difficult instead of hiding it because it makes me weak or abnormal. I’m not going to put myself in situations which are harmful to me and although this may look like I’m going backwards what I’m really doing is being honest with myself and trying to peel away the masks I use to get by and in time I hope with the help of friends and family I can just be me and be accepted for who I really am. My neurodiverse self.
