Wanting to run away *SH trigger*

Hi I have unwanted feelings a lot, like wanting to cut my hair off or self harm in horrific ways. I dont feel in control of anything in my life or in where my life is going and I just want to quit my job and uni and get on a plane going anywhere (preferably Spain has I can speak some Spanish and it's warmer there lol) never talk to anyone again, change my name, clothes everything, and leave everything behind. Except my bunny. But everything and everyone else, family friends ex's memories good and bad, I can't stand being in my own skin at the moment or in my mind and have this massive urge to just get out however I can even by dying, just so I'm free.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling like this. Big hugs, lovely (panda) When did you last see your doctor? Are you on any medication?

Edit: I’ve added a trigger warning to your thread. No need to worry, it just lets other members know if there’s threads they may need to avoid.

Have you told this to your GP?

Hey there,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. Please know that you are a worthwhile and wonderful person. You are not alone and my thoughts are with you. I hope you're feeling better this evening.

I can definitely relate to the desire to run away. Especially to hot and sunny Spain, hey?

I hope it's okay that I pick out some positives from your post. I know you must be feeling very overwhelmed just now and I hope that this may help.

1. You DO value yourself. - You have posted here because you want to feel better which shows that you know you are worthy of feeling better.
2. You have a desire to feel enjoyment. - I know you were joking about the Spain thing but the fact that you would like to go somewhere nice for you shows you DO care about yourself and that you DO want to feel better.
3. Your bunny. - A positive that you have this cute furry friend and also it shows you are caring.
4. You are capable, committed, hardworking and motivated - Being at university and having a job shows this.
5. You have GOOD memories.
6. You have friends and family (I'm sure this means you have had and still have some good relationships)
7. You have us friendly folk on this forum who genuinely care about you and want to help!

Totally agree with Suzi, pop to your GP and tell them how you're feeling.

Is there anyone else you could share this with at uni or work or home?

Feel free to share more if and when you feel able on here. My thoughts are with you.

Take care of yourself,

Em x

Thank you. I have not told my gp of this yet. I find it hard to find the time as it's a way away. I'm on Citalopram 20mg but often forget to take it as I don't have the time to go and hand my prescription in or get my meds from my surgery..
I'm trying to see if there is a reason for living, and my good memories make me sadder.
I could tell my councillor but I'm not close to my family. I've told my ex and a friend or two

The thing is the meds take 4 - 6 weeks to get into your system if you take them at roughly the same time each day. Every time you miss a dose you won't feel that then most often you'll feel it weeks later. The more you miss doses the worse you're going to feel.
I really think that you are going to need to get back to see your GP and tell them how you are feeling and take the meds properly..

Suzi’s right, the meds are not going to work if you aren’t consistent with taking them. If your GP isn’t close enough, could you move to another surgery?

Hey,

Hope you're feeling a brighter today. My thoughts are with you. (bear)

If you don't have enough time to go to the GP, it seems that perhaps (and sorry to suggest this!) you're doing a bit too much right now. You need to ensure your health and happiness come first. Please make another appointment with your GP as soon as you can. Perhaps one of your friends you've told could even come with you to the appointment for support?

Suzi and Paula are totally right about the need to persist with the medication. I know it can be tough but speaking also from my own experience, it really is so important. I've been on a specific med for over four months now consistently taking it each day and discussing my mood and any side effects with my GP once a month. Before that I have chopped and changed about with AD meds and trust me it didn't help me at all.

Definitely open up to your councillor. Are you still having therapy?

That's positive that you've been able to tell some of your friends, too. You can always talk to us here as well! (nod)

There is ALWAYS a reason to live. Life is a gift given to each one of us and you deserve to be as happy and healthy as you can be and desire.

What was it about the good memories that made them 'good'? If you're life now is lacking those things in the good memories, try to explore different ways that you could incorporate these things into your way of life now? E.g. These might be friendships, social activities, fun hobbies, a job you enjoyed etc.

Hope some of this helps.

Take care,

Em xx

Uh I felt like someone genuinely loved me, that's why I was happy, so dunno how to incoporate that into anything :/

If I move surgeries I'd have to have a new doctor and open up to someone else which could take a long time

Sometimes having a new dr makes it easier to open up. I know I found it a little easier when I changed surgery. It’s not easy to open up to anyone about what’s going on in your head but sometimes someone who doesn’t know you can help.

You can just write a bullet point list and hand that over?

It takes me ages and there is so much to get through, I don't trust anyone so opening up to random isn't generally something I can do unless over text. I have an appointment with my go next week and I should be back on my motorcycle by then as well so that means I can get to the surgery easier to pick up my meds and drop off repeat prescription slips. I'm also going to ask my go to reopen my physiotherapy so I can get my leg better

That bullet point list would be very long, and with something that has gone on so many years even if I did that, if I had any problems I probably wouldn't be able to talk to them about it which would be a major issue. He said he would keep me there as long as possible for that reason, because when my leg was fixed it was assumed I would be more stable but now this has happened so I guess not

The thing is that you need to prioritise your health. You are putting so many obstacles in your way - Write that list, it will help...

It doesn't matter if it takes you ages to write the list. Some things just really are worth taking the time out for and right now improving your health is absolutely paramount. So take the time and write that list.... (nod) You're worth it.

Try not to worry too much about your GP appointment. You'll be opening up to somebody who already knows in advance that you're apprehensive and for that very reason has actually offered to give you as much time as possible in your appointment. That in itself is reassuring. Your GP sounds very considerate, perceptive and caring to me.

You also won't be telling the GP something that they haven't heard before. They're not there to judge you but only to help you. It's their job to help.

Perhaps you could firstly just write down (for the benefit of your own healing) absolutely everything possible that you think could go on the list. That way, you'll be getting everything out of your system first and this might feel like a great release for you. From there, then you could bullet point the main most important parts on a different list for the Doctor. I hope that helps. :)

There's no pressure to have to tell the Doctor absolutely every detail. For example, I have anorexia and if I went to the GP to explain my symptoms it would be enough for me to say 'I'm restricting my food intake' without needing to describe every single behaviour and reason behind this. I would just add to what level I was restricting (e.g. Severely, slightly) and how often (e.g. Every day, now and again.) The same idea could be applied to whatever struggles you are facing right now, perhaps? I hope that makes sense and helps you a little?

You could always hand the list to the Doctor to read if you didn't feel comfortable talking all that much.

Take care of yourself. Hope you have a nice weekend.

Em x