Am I a bad person? *SU TRIGGERS*

My father took his own life when I was in my early 20s. We had years of hell until he finally did what he did. Throughout this time and after, my family all walked away, we had no support and no help. I bottled everything up inside for years. Around the same time as my fathers death, my partner of 6 years decided to cheat on my and my world crumbled. It took me years of fighting my own depression to get to a stage where I could function. I threw myself into work and worked myself into the ground. So much so I had a bit of a breakdown last year (8 years after he passed). I’ve always struggled to maintain healthy relationships because of fear of rejection, abandonment and anxiety. I was seeing someone earlier this year and my fear got the better of me and I pushed them away a few times. They were the first person I’d been with who openly talked about my dad and opened up this side of me I’d been holding in for so long. I think I panicked. I ended it with them rather abruptly which I deeply regret. I decided to go to my doctor and do counselling and they referred me onto psychology, they’re helping me dig deep into my past and to use other coping techniques. I got back into contact with the person I was seeing to explain and apologise profusely, and they told me I was a let down. And I let them down and they would never trust me again. I feel like a terrible person, I would never lie, cheat, or treat anyone badly I just struggle to let people close to me. They were the first person I’d ever let in fully and I threw it all away through fear. I just seem to ruin things. But I know the best apology is changed behaviour, and for the first time ever I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But they do not want to know me, and keep saying I’m untrustworthy etc. I really want to make things right with them because I was wrong but I also don’t want to feel like such a horrible person, which is how they make me feel, my depression is really affected and it makes me Hate myself. I know I was wrong for what I did but it was purely just the straw that broke the camels back, but actually allowed me to finallyswek some help for my grief and depression. But am I as bad a person as they make me out to be? Please be honest

Hello Striker, welcome to the forum.

I can understand the many questions you have. I have a lot of them myself. I do want to say you are doing great in seeking help and dealing with these issues. Taking that step is not easy and shows character.

When people get hurt they can sometimes say things they do not mean or say things out of anger. So I think the best thing to do now is focus on your journey. And doing that just for you. Whatever comes later will come. But getting yourself in a better place is key.

Maybe when the time is there where you get a diagnosis or a good plan on how to deal with things then things might fall into place. Untill then try to be kind to yourself. And in my experience people that keep thinking if they are a bad person or not are generaly not a bad person.

Hi and welcome. First of all, so sorry for the loss of your dad. I've added a trigger warning as you mention your dads suicide, nothing to worry about, it's just so others can avoid it if it will trigger them.

I think if you were a bad person you wouldn't be worried about it, so no, I don't think you are a bad person. Seeking help takes lot of strength and courage lovely.

Hi and welcome. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all that’s happened since. You’ve been through the mill(bear). No, you’re not a bad person, you’re just someone whose had an awful weight on your shoulders and not had help in dealing with it. Well done for seeking support, that’s a huge step to take, and a difficult one. As for your ex, it is really hard to support a partner with MH issues and it can be very painful for them, but someone who truly cares for you won’t act as they have ....

Hi and welcome! I can't agree strongly enough with the others. I hope being here is positive for you...

Thank you everyone. I think because it’s such a hard journey of self discovery anyway plus learning to dig deep into a traumatic past I’ve held onto for so long, I’m a bit over sensitive to a lot of things. My depression makes me feel very low about myself and I take insults or character assassinations whether jokingly said or not very much to heart, and it is a rather unattractive trait really. I am very easily hurt which is something I’m trying to overcome. Being here is comforting

I think a lot of us will be able to relate to that

Yes, that journey is one of the hardest that there is. But it is also one thats so important. And I am glad you are on that path. I know what you mean about insults or other things being said. They can through me off and make me feel horrible. Even if it is meant as a joke. But I promise. There are ways of dealing with that. It might not come tomorrow or next week. But you will become stronger over time and be able to cope better. I am on the same journey and I know it will get better.

It's always tough to go back into your past - especially when there is trauma there. You're doing really well to do so. Day by day, as much as needed.