Hi all,
It's taken a while to pluck up the courage to post anything but I feel like a have to. I'm not shy but I'm a hider. It's hard for me to speak out because the tendency is to withdraw completely when I'm feeling low, hide myself away and stop talking. Right now I'm feeling really alone. Not lonely, just alone.
I'm not alone, I live with my husband, I have a grown up son, my mum, friends that I see occasionally and a support group I attend twice a week. But I don't talk about how I'm doing very much, especially to the people I'm closest to. And I'm struggling. I'm stuck in the loop of depression, panic disorder and agoraphobia, each one feeding the other so sometimes it's hard to know which part is worse and when. I feel trapped, ashamed and humiliated by my fears and the inability to speak.
I've recently finished another two rounds of CBT (exposure therapy), which aside from seeming to make no difference whatsoever has just left me feeling defeated and exhausted. Possibly the hardest part at the moment is frustration. I'm bored. I've done everything I need to do in the house, and apart from the days I go to my support group, I don't see or speak to anyone for the rest of the week (with the exception of my husband who seems to have run out of things to say to me).
Spring has arrived, the sun is out, not far from my home tiny, beautiful lambs have been born. I want to go outside and breathe. To exercise (something I have not been able to do for a long time because of the panic disorder). I want to escape the constant feeling of suffocation, which I honestly believe is caused by suppressing how I feel for long periods of time. But I'm out of my depth. I don't know what to do next.
In my previous life, I played tennis 3 times a week, I loved seeing new places. I went to concerts and to the F1 grand prix whenever I could. I laughed with my friends. I was strong, confident and independent.
I play guitar and piano, I occasionally work from home preparing used guitars for resale for a local shop. I love all animals (except chickens and spiders - yuck). I have not yet completely lost my sense of humour, I still like to laugh with friends. My self esteem and independence are currently in hiding.
So, I'm taking the first step and starting to talk. I want to feel like a part of society again, even if most of my time is spent watching life happen to other people through my windows.
Apologies for the long post, I wasn't sure how much or how little to say. What I am saying is, I would really like some people I can talk to, and listen to on the good days and the bad.
