Back here again

Hi all

Not really been here as apart from a wobble I've been coping ok . But now I'm back on the bench signed off for 3 weeks with low mood and work related stress and back on citalopram.

I was ok for 3 years now I'm not . How'd I get here? Work has been full on in my new senior role with a team of 9 for 9 months . Four hour commute working at home and weekends and not able to switch off or sleep with anxiety through the workload I have and no space to ask for help as we've no budget for staff. So no sleep, anxiety and crying and isolating myself. Went to the doctor not my Normal GP who wasn't great. I'm struggling . Was at doctors two weeks ago for something else and was I thought coping , two weeks later I'm not and need help. He made me feel a fraud and a time waster. I'll mention this at review with my GP who is excellent .

The guilt is unbearable, I feel a failure and worthless again. I need to get out of the circumstance and environment that make me feel that way. Still yet to talk to boss that'll happen Monday . If you've got this far thanks for reading . Now going to rest and cry with my dog .

I feel such a burden on everyone .

Oh I’m so sorry, lovely. It sounds like you weren’t able to look after yourself well enough for too long ....... it’s so hard to strike the right balance and I really hope a few weeks at home will help you recharge

Thanks Paula .

I really haven't been but didn't notice how bad it was till my wife told me. I think I've got it early enough to not hit a crisis or get really bad . We'll see.

Does anyone have experience of CBT delivered by telephone?

Welcome back lovely. I wish that things were brighter for you. Sorry that the Dr you saw wasn't brilliant and I think you are right to mention it when you get to see your own GP.

Thanks Suzi .

I will definitely made me very upset and more guilty . One of the features of what happens for me is that I function and hide my problems but that effort is exhausting and that's where I am now . Sat with dog on sofa. Went shopping with my OH lasted 35-40 minutes but then wanted to leave kept it in as we were nearly done . Calling the CBT people on Mobday. I need to realise in future I think that I matter - my personality puts eneryone else's needs first . I need to put me first more but I find that so so hard.

Really struggling today was meant to be going to a conference I can't face it just now . Might feel better and go to afternoon session of it. But I'm just choc full of guilt and sadness and worry that I can't move . I feel empty . I need to do something to get me out of the house but I feel safe and warm here . What would I leave. I'll walk the dog around the block shortly. Feel on the edge of breaking down all the time. It's like all the stuff I was pretending wasn't there is all coming out at the same time . I feel a failure and that I'm letting everyone down and my anxiety is paralysing me.

If your weather is like ours then I don't blame you for not wanting to go out!
Sounds like you need to talk to those around you more about how you are actually feeling. I know that Marc and I have developed a system so if he feels that he needs to get out of the shop etc he'll tell me, I'll cut it short and pay and follow him out... But we do the majority of our shopping online so we don't have to deal with supermarkets which can be a massive trigger for his anxiety etc

Ta Suzi .

Swithering over going out . Will need to decide soon. I've lost just under a stone in the last two weeks (I am overweight though ). So I really haven't been looking after myself at all. Sometimes 1 meal a day sometimes none . Just had a pastry for breakfast my OH brought in . May or may not eat tonight . Mother's Day tomorrow hard as I lost mum years ago. Still hurts Mother's Day day out tomorrow .

Should have added the weight loss to my fab five .

I’m trying not to nag, but it’s so important to eat regularly and drink lots of water. Your body is trying to heal and it needs fuel to do that.....

I know you're not :) and thanks I will try to .

I will nag.... Losing that amount of weight in such a short space of time really isn't good. You have to eat and drink or you aren't giving your brain what it needs and it means it's more anxious - according to my husband's psychotherapist! (She nagged almost as much as me!) You have to eat breakfast, lunch and diner. Breakfast doesn't have to be massive, but what about cereal or breakfast bars/biscuits?

Just ate a kebab . Was lovely and needed. I've run marathons and stuff so I know the importance of fuelling to recover too mentally and physically. Missed a lot of meals in the last few weeks . Will always eat with OH but don't always eat if I'm alone .

If that sounded stroppy it wasn't meant . Thanks Suzi :)

You asking me to stop nagging? (rofl)(rofl)

Never nag away . Today's been an ok day I know they aren't all like this . Next week will be hard when I talk to my boss and my guilt and anxiety ramp backup I'll start to not look after myself again . So you're not nagging l, you're caring . Thanks for that it means a lot

I don't think anyone's told me to carry on nagging ;) I do care - hugely.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about - you haven't chosen to be ill. You haven't done this on purpose. I mean it...

Thanks . The phone call will be tomorrow . I push myself hard to cover to how I feel abd must if the time by monitoring my mood etc I cope. I'm not coping at the moment though . Just feel guilty being away from work and my team but my poor mental health was affecting them and my work . I just feel useless and a failure . The only good thing is I know recovery happens because I've had it . It seems a long way off now

You are not a failure. Not at all!
You really shouldn't feel guilty lovely. You need to focus on you and the basics to work your way out...

Managed out for Mother's Day lunch with my OH family . Only to find a work colleague where I was. Fortunately she didn't see me but it was awkward till she went with her family. Lovely meal though . And I was looked after.

Glad it was good even though your colleague was there.

I did nearly go home but we were tucked away in a corner. It'd just the stigma and guilt . It gets to me . Surely if you well enough to have lunch with your family, you are well enough to work . No one knows what's happening on the inside or the fact you overcame anxiety to do something they find easy. Nights are really hard . I'm sleeping but often can't drown out the negativity and cry . And I get scared. I do eventually calm down but my mind races .

Can you try things like meditation to try to help?

My distraction technique is podcasts that I listen to. They seem to help. It's in the gap that the thoughts come . Also they come more now because of my guilt with being off . I do some deep breathing too and this helps . Thanks I will try .

How about audio books of an evening when you can’t aleep too? Headphones in eyes shut listen and then nod off? Hope tomorrow is a better day :)

Good shout Niffler. I'll get some downloaded . Tomorrows tough as I talk to my boss who won't have seen this coming . As I said I'm good at acting like I'm ok but at huge cost . Thanks for stopping by .

I listen to the radio/watch movies/read/craft which helps me drown out stuff - have you tried any of those?

Radio and podcasts are my drowning out preferences . I can't concentrate to read at the moment . A shame as I'm a bookworm .

Anxiety at 10 just now and very little sleep as I have to phone my boss. I'd rather not .

How you doing lovely?

Not made the call yet . Full of anxiety still about doing so . I'll call at 10:30. I don't want to be questioned today I just want to say that I've been signed off and why . I'm not ready for that conversation at the moment. I feel physically sick

Called no answer so I e mailed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by QPRFan

Radio and podcasts are my drowning out preferences . I can't concentrate to read at the moment . A shame as I'm a bookworm .

Anxiety at 10 just now and very little sleep as I have to phone my boss. I'd rather not .

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I can’t read when I’m low, my concentration is zilch. Like you, I’m a bookworm - this disease always seems to hit out at what/who we love most. But that will return, I promise

Hope your boss’s response is positive (bear)

Have you heard anything?

Went ok thanks . Found a good audio book will be a good nights sleep tonight and ate now . :). Got a man coming to prune the trees for the spring . My boss has a MH background so was brilliant .

That's awesome! Yay for a brilliant boss!

Great :)