Help/advise (warning SU)

Hello

I posted a new into yesterday. I really need some help. I have been living with depression for many years and for many years it was “relatively” well managed.

The last few years, not so much.

First a bit about myself. I’m 41, male, married, 2 children. I live in Papua New Guinea, a small country in the South Pacific. I am the ceo of a family business. I have about 800 staff. It’s a demanding job. Education is a problem in png, so my wife and children moved back to Australia for the children’s education.

The PNG economy has been in negative growth for about 5 years. The business climate is tough. I have tried very hard to get the business performing to the level required, and while people like our bankers and shareholders often praise me. I know it’s not enough. If I don’t find a way to improve and sustain performance then the company will ultimately die. Some would disagree but I can read numbers. So there is a lot of pressure on the work front.

PNG is not a safe place. I sleep with a loaded gun by my bed and carry it every day to work. I have not had to kill anyone yet, but I have drawn my weapon and fired warning shot numerous times. I have been shot at numerous times. The last time was an attempted car jacking, and 2 rounds missed me by inches. That was last week. I’ve also had guns put to my head many times. Many attempted robberies. I still have two bullet holes near my door from the last two attempted home invasions.

There is no social life, unless you drink. I try not to drink due to my depression. That means virtually no social life. I compensate by working more. I work 7 days per week, about 100 hours per week. It’s not very healthy but neither is sitting home alone or getting drunk every day.

I try to exercise regularly. I lift weights 4 days a week, and I sometimes compete In Powerlifting or in Olympic lifting. I understand that exercise is part of trying to manage this illness.

I was on Effexor for many years, but the dose kept going up. I found myself at 450mg per day of XR. There were side effects. Last year I foolishly decided to stop the medication cold turkey. My psychiatrist warned me against it, but in my foolishness I persisted. It was a mistake.

My psychiatrist decided that it was an opportunity to switch me to a less”grotty” drug, so I am now on lexapro 40mg per day and mirtazapine 20mg per day.
I guess it works after a fashion.

I do not have access to talking therapy. Such a thing doesn’t exist in png. I don’t really have any “friends “ per SE, as everyone is either a customer, a supplier or a competitor, or a combination of the three. So no one to talk to and no social life.

Of recent times my wife and I have been struggling. She made the comment “it’s hard to communicate with you”. I said “that is because we’re living apart, so we are growing apart”. Not the correct answer. She refused to speak with me for a week, which was very hard. I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I decided I needed to travel to Australia to put things right. My marriage and my children are very important to me. The outcome is that my wife believes it is all my fault. I am “too strange, always grumpy and don’t have patience”. The outcome is that she doesn’t want me to ever talk about my mental illness issues again as it is creating a burden for her. I must become a good actor and pretend everything is ok.

I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do that but I imagine I will use/abuse diazepam and lorazepam to mask the symptoms, and pretended everything is ok.

I thought I would get a new job so I could live with my family again, but my wife has told me they don’t want me back. I am “too strange”. As a man it is my duty or obligation to provide for my family.

the truth is everything is not ok. I really don’t know how to make it through each day. Putting a bullet through my head seems very appealing and I think about suicide all the time. I don’t do it because I know it’s the illness and I don’t want to do that to my kids.

I would really like to find a way to be “normal “ again. To feel happiness. To get out of bed and look forward to the day. But I don’t know how to go from where I am to this dream place.

I don’t expect any panacaeas. There are none. But I really could do with some help and advice about how I can fix this. Thank you in advance.

Wow, it sounds to me as if where you are working and living is a major contributor to how you are feeling. Is there any way that you could move back to the same town as your wife and children, but not with them so you can at least see your children? It may allow you to have some talking therapy too?

Hi Michael.. there is so much that you wrote that I can relate with on so many levels. I may be a 29 year old female.. but the effexor.. the lorezepam.. and the being on the very edge, but halting due to family.
I really never knew that there was anyone that was so alike me. and yet different.

What medication are you on now? I quit Effexor cold turkey in 2014.. that is a part of my life that is just hellish to look back on.. the way I was.. the things that I did.

Now I'm on Bupropion and lamotrigine and setraline (again)

As I’m sure you both know now, you should never come off psych meds cold Turkey or without Doctors support especially Effexor (venlafaxine). Withdrawal is hell coming off that drug .....

My years on this forum have shown me that there are many, many people like me and we should be supporting each other I hope you both find that support here :)