New to the foum/state of mind

Hello all,

I'll start off with an apology with how long this story will be, I've just joined this forum, not too sure what i'm expecting to get out of it, but willing to try anything to get away from this feeling.

So, here goes:
I grew up in a happy/loving/supportive home with my parents and two sisters. I had a large group of friends in school till I realised they were bullies, so branched away from them, to end up getting picked on for sticking up for the ones who couldn't do it for themselves. I found myself very close friends with a girl I grew up with (she was a year younger, my younger sisters age, and also my parents best friends girl) She had always been her friend more than mine, but she really stepped up when I had nobody.
When I was 14, she passed away. It was really hard to cope with, as both my sisters had a large group of friends to turn too. My parents were busy with her parents trying to help them through this, I felt really alone and have learned to cope/deal with this by myself.

A year passed and got together with a gem of a guy! We dated for nearly 7 years before things fizzled out. He would put his PC (we were both PC gamers) before me. He wouldn't want to go out, or do anything. In the end, he made little to no effort with me. We would come home from work, say hello, grab dinner, sit at our separate PC's, play different games, go to bed, and repeat. I tried to make it work, but he wouldn't take me on, so I ended this relationship. During my time in this relationship, I lost both of my grandparents. I cared for my grandmother who lived locally through her cancer at the end of her life. Even though being in a relationship, I never really talked about the loss, and felt alone.

Next stage was moving away from home. I moved about 300 miles from home. To a city i'd never been too, knew nobody, for a fresh start. Went from job to job before getting a job as a community carer, and absolutely loved my job! Although still having little friends, I still enjoyed the freedom. The job was rewarding, and diddn't mind walking over the city in the pouring rain to be greeted with a smile from my clients. I ended up in another relationship which just went from bad to worse. We moved in together after a short time, he became an alcoholic, drank all his money, so all bills/rent/food had to come out of my wage, which wasn't cutting it. In the end, he was sleeping with other girls. As I had no money to start back up on my own again, the only choise I had was to move back home to my parents.

After having the taste of freedom, moving back home was hard. Im a sensitive soul, once I pulled myself together again I applied for the job as a live in carer. Got my placment (farrrr away from home, but still in Scotland) where I care(d) for an elderly couple. I don't think they like me all that much. I'm not allowed to spend time with them, I really just wash/dress/cook/clean for them. I get a 2 hour break per day and work on a 2 week on 2 week off rota. Whilst at work, I ended up spraining my back and was signed off work for two weeks.

In this two weeks being signed off, it's almost the sudden realisation of having no partner, no place of my own, no kids, no savings, (I have 2 close friends), the isolation at work, that I have nothing, I have nobody. I have no idea what direction my life is going in, what I want to do as a job/career. The danger of not being able to move much from spraining my back has sent my mind into a dark place that I can't pull myself away from. I've sat crying most nights since i've moved back home. I feel like a failure. I've tried to join a pokemon go group to get me out the house and socialising with people, which I don't seem to fit into. When im at home i'm bored and I want to be outside, when im out, I want to be around people, but when im around people, I just want to be at home on my own. I can't win. If I could swap placd with my friend who passed away when I was 14 I would. I can't help but think she could of done more with her life than what I have. I feel stressed, scared, disappointed, down, sad, angry, confused and SO alone. Although I have a supportive family, I wouldn't dare say any of this to them.

I went to the GP who's signed me off for another 4 weeks with depression and given me tablets to take. It says they can take a couple of weeks to take effect, although i'm not sure what i'm expecting them to do. I don't like the thought of having to take a tablet to feel normal/happy. How can a tablet possibly fix how i'm feeling. I'm also not too sure what i'm expecting to get out of posting this thread. I feel silly saying these words, and wouldn't dare say them to anybody that I know. I am not anybodys problem to take on.

*Continued*

How do you pull yourself out of this state of mind? I have always been such a positive person, I hate this. I feel like theres no escape this. I can't stand having to try and put on a smile for everyone and pretending that i'm fine, I hate confrontation. It's hard to even pretend to even be interested in anything thats going on in other peoples lives right now, even holding a conversation is EFFORT and it's totally selfish.

Any advice would be a HUGE help
- From a very down 25 year old in the Highlands

First, welcome. I understand you may feel awkward posting here, and wondering if it will do any good. This Forum has alot of people living with different backgrounds, but we all have some sort of experience of this devastating thing we call depression. Support from these people in here for me has been outpouring. No one will judge you, no one will look down on how you feel. Nobody will make the mistake to tell you to simply cheer up. It is not that easy. Medication helps, when they find the one for you. If your brainchemistry needs balancing, having a medication to it is no different from having a medication to some other problem. Stigma around mental health is sticking in deep, but in my honest opinion... I would be more anguished to take medication to something I had caused to my self by being stupid. Depression is something you have no control over. You just happened to "win the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)tiest lottery ever" like my guy would say. We don't know exactly how you feel or what you are going through, but we really do get how it can cripple your emotions and functionality.

Welcome to the forums, you're doing a brave thing coming here and telling your story and that's nothing to be ashamed of, I know how you feel about medication, I've spent a large part of my life trying to avoid anti depressants (tried the same one twice briefly but it didn't work for me) I also didn't want to rely on tablets and wanted to deal with things myself, I've finally realised that this is not going to work, sometimes you do need that bit of help and that's OK, it doesn't have to be forever. I hope you figure out what you want from life, it sounds like you've found a career that you love but are just in a job that you hate, have you thought about counselling?

Hi and welcome to DWD. First, can I say that, though it doesn’t seem it right now, there is hope. You can find a way to heal. Has anyone ever offered you talking therapies (counselling, CBT or something like that)? If not, go back to your GP to ask to be referred. Sissy is right wrt medication - you’d take something for a physical illness, why are you concerned about taking it for a mental illness? Often, the meds will give the support needed while we learn how to deal with anything else that is affecting our mental health.

Just FYI, anti depressants can take from between 4-8 weeks to start doing their job so you’ll need to be patient and, most of all, be kind to yourself over the next few weeks

Hi and welcome to DWD. Everyone else has pretty much said what I was going to, but I just wanted to add that this isn't how it'll be forever, you can and will get through it.. Keep talking as it does really help

Hi welcome to DWD, you can fight your way out of this, it isn't going to be easy but you CAN do it.

Thank you all for your replys!

I am taking the tablets i've been prescribed, I just don't like the thought of it. My mother has been on anti depressants for the last 27 years. Hoping I won't follow in the same foot steps and this will just be a set back in life for now.

I don't think i'm at a point/place where I feel I could do councelling/CBT, i'm struggling to even want to talk about whats going on to anybody face to face (i've spoke a little more open to one person and felt mighty uncomfortable). Maybe once my tablets kick in and I feel a little better, I can consider seeking further help.

Thank you all for the support though. A welcoming community!

AS and when you are ready, have a look around you might find others struggling with the same kind of thing as you are...

I look at it this way - if I had diabetes, I wouldn’t hesitate to give myself insulin injections every day for the rest of my life. If medication is what I need to survive and have a life worth living, then I’ll absolutely take those pills!