A return of some sorts

Hi everyone,

The last time I was on these boards was a couple of years ago. I felt the need to come back on here because I feel incredibly lonely. I'm currently having some NLP based therapy which is also holistic in that it's about comforting and supporting younger versions of myself who were hurt and feel terrible because of what's happened in the past. I've tried hard to accept what has happened to me and to not let it define me but it's like I can't let go until I am convinced there is nothing wrong with me.
It was my birthday yesterday and at the age of 36 I have never had a proper romantic relationship. There is someone who I'm close to, in summary we met via a dating app last year but she said a few weeks later that she felt it wasn't the right time for her but it was nothing that I'd said or done. A couple of months later we re-established contact and since then we meet regularly for runs which we're both into but also for other things such as meals, coffee or a walk. I keep on holding on to the fact that we met via a dating app so she must realise I like her.
Anyway she was at a little get together I had for my birthday last night and maybe it was just the drink talking but when someone else asked me if a female friend was coming, she said 'why don't you have a girlfriend?'. She had had a few drinks but she immediately apologised for asking that but that did get to me a bit. Maybe that caused me to be paranoid because I kept on thinking she was messaging someone on her phone who she might be dating.
I know the easiest thing to do would be to ask her where I stand and tell her I like her and while no one else probably really cares that I've never been in a relationship, it is killing me inside and make me want to cry my eyes out. Me and this girl messaged each other this morning like we usually do and had a laugh with each other which was nice and she added that she's really happy I had a good birthday. However I just can't bring myself to say anything to her because the panic and anxiety that the younger version of myself experiences is unbearable. The older version of myself is trying to calm him down (these are things I've learned in the NLP sessions) but it's too much that he can't do anything.
Does anyone else experience this because it feels like everyone else just 'gets on with it' but something like this brings up so much pain and sadness that I find it impossible to act like nothing is wrong ;(;(;(

Welcome back Alex, though I wish you weren't struggling

Hi Alex and welcome back. Sorry it's not for better reasons though. Are you still working at the uni? Did you ever make that cabinet or display case for your medals?

Hi Alex, and welcome back

Hi Suzi,
Yes I'm still working at the uni. I got a promotion last year so have more responsibilities and the team I work in are great. I realise that I'm fortunate in that respect because we can have a laugh with each other and have good banter while working hard. I've been there for nearly 4 years and I don't think there has been a single day where I've woken up with a sinking feeling and sense of dread about going into work. Yes of course there have been days when I'd rather not go in but not because of fear or anxiety. I do want to move on eventually but this has been a stable part of my life.
I haven't got a display case for my medals but I did get a medal hanger which says 'No pain, No gain' on the top. This girl and me are potentially doing a marathon later this year but the fear and anxiety of that and the situation I described above is getting to me a lot.

Hi Paula as well. Wrote this when you wrote your message!

I'm so glad that work is good! I remember how nervous you were when you were starting! Congratulations on the promotion!