Hi there!! *TRIGGERS SU SH*

Hi there,

I'm Mathew and I've never really registered for a forum since I used to play games like 10 years ago so it's weird for me to type this.

I believe I have suffered with depression for over 3 years now, however for quite a lot of that time I believe it was very minor depression that has gotten worse over time as I haven't ever spoke to anyone properly or sorted my mental issues out.

3 years ago I had a little boy who had HLHS and he unfortunately passed away at 4 months old, at the time I was very immature and can admit I wasn't the best dad I could of been at that time and that ended up coming back around to me when I split with my partner at the time and ended up receiving a lot of hassle on facebook about it all, I also blame myself for his passing as I didn't look after him the best I could. Looking back I think I never actually got over the loss of my little boy and this has impacted on my mental health and over time has slowly deteriorated my mental health as well as other things.

Over the last 3 years I have suffered with self harming and have done this to myself on numerous times as well as this I have had countless days/nights where I've felt alone even though i've been surrounded by people and break downs and thoughts.

Recently (3 weeks ago) I split up with my long term partner of around 3 years whom I have 2 boys with and this has impacted my mental health and deteriorated, I took her for granted and thought she'd be around forever and unfortunately as well as being depressed and on anti depressants I'm also having to deal with losing someone who was very close to my heart. I have had numerous arguments with my ex partner since and the feelings of our breakup is very raw and led to myself thinking some horrible things about myself.

I have never felt more alone and have as recent as tonight tried to commit suicide to no avail, I have tried to to hang myself as well as drive my car so fast i lose control in the hope that I do pass. I don't have anyone I feel that I can speak to about my issues and no one knows that I have tried committing suicide what so ever. I constantly feel like my children are better off without me as I haven't been the best dad in the world and although I work hard to provide for them and my ex partner I feel as though I have never given them the love and appreciation that they deserve and get from everyone else. I have self referred to 'Lets talk' to try and get some help regarding my feelings and depression as well as get on depression tablets from the doctors, however it is a long process to get NHS help with mental health and depression tablets never seem to help me they just make me tired and feel more alone. I also feel like I am suffering from anxiety in some way shape or form as I have developed a habit to constantly scratch myself to the point of making myself bleed around my legs.

Writing this introduction has actually helped in itself cause I have never wrote half of this stuff out properly and read it back before to let it process as well as just opening up to a bunch of people who also may understand situation / have advice.

Thanks for reading

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning to your post.
It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid it if the subject matter would trigger them.

Firstly, well done for reaching out, that is huge given the way you're feeling. I'm sorry about your little boy. Your children won't be better off without you, no matter what you think. Suicide passes on the pain to those left behind. Would you reach out for medical help? Your local NHS should have a crisis team. You really need to give them a call or go to A&E. Are you safe now?

What ADs are you on? How long have you been on them and what dose? Have you tried any others? Have you told your doctor about the self-harm? Sorry for all the questions

Hi and welcome. Your post made me wish I could reach in and hug you! I am so sorry about your little boy. Would you ever consider grief counselling? You could try CRUSE I know my Mum found them fantastic after my Dad passed away and I've a friend who's used them too and who also found them brilliant.

I know it's tough opening up, but I think it's so important and this is a huge step. Well done.

The Compassionate Friends is another resource to help you deal with childloss. They have a helpline and forum. My amazing friend has just raised over £1300 in memory of her son who she lost just before Christmas and she says they have been amazing with her.

www.tcf.org.uk

Hi Mathew and welcome. I am so, so, sorry for your loss and can’t imagine the pain you must be going through. It’s not uncommon for a loss like that to split relationships, and I’m sorry about that too. What was your little boy’s name?

Does your doctor know about your suicide attempts? Have you been put in touch with a crisis team? Lovely, many of us here know what it is to not want to be here anymore and not be able to see a way past this pain but I promise you, there is always a way through. You need support but you also need to reach out for that support - you’ve reached out here and that is the first big step to finding that way through

Hi Matthew, I can't really add anything to what Jaq, Suzi & Paula have said, getting over the loss of a child is more unbearable than I can even begin to imagine, CRUSE bereavement counseling should help.