Hello *SU Trigger*

My first post on this forum. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for many many years. For the most part it was fairly well managed but right now, and probably for the last few years, it’s not.

I am really struggling to hold it together. On a daily basis I think about suicide. I can’t remember what it was like to be happy.

I live and work in Papua New Guinea. About a year ago my wife & children chose to move back to Australia, partly to manage my parents in laws health issues and partly for the children’s education. Unfortunately it seems like we are growing apart as a result. I don’t want this. I want to be with my family. I want to find a new job. I told my wife, expecting her to be supportive, but she completely flipped out. “Growing apart” must be some sort of trigger word.

She told me that she and the children don’t want me back. Apparently I’m too strange and my problems with mental health are affecting them adversely. She said that if I can’t cope, that’s my problem. I have a duty to work and earn money for the family. In addition because I said I felt we were growing apart, she would no longer support me, encourage me etc.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m losing my family. If I lose them I have nothing left to live for. I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it.

Hi and welcome to DWD. I've added the SU trigger as you mention daily suicidal thoughts - it's not a problem, just that some members find things like this triggering to their own health.

Wow, she sounds delightful! I can't imagine being separated from my husband and children by living in whole different countries! I'm not surprised you are finding it tough.
Have you seen a Dr about your mental health? Have you had talking therapy or meds?

Hi Michael (hi) living apart from your wife and family is bound to be difficult so it is hardly surprising you're finding it so difficult.

Hello Michael,

Nice to meet you. I may not have any advice to offer. But I do think that the most important thing to do is make sure you look after you. As Suzi mentioned. So the question is did you speak to a professional about how you are doing?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Hi and welcome to DWD. I've added the SU trigger as you mention daily suicidal thoughts - it's not a problem, just that some members find things like this triggering to their own health.

Wow, she sounds delightful! I can't imagine being separated from my husband and children by living in whole different countries! I'm not surprised you are finding it tough.
Have you seen a Dr about your mental health? Have you had talking therapy or meds?

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Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Understand about the SU warning.

Yes I’m seeing a psychiatrist albeit on an irregular basis. There is no mental health care in Papua New Guinea, so I only get to see my psychiatrist every few months. I am on medication: lexapro 40mg and mirtazapine 20mg.

I was on Effexor for MANY years at quite high doses, but I foolishly tried to come off cold turkey last year. Not a good decision.My psychiatrist warned me against it but I can be a little stubborn. I guess as mark twain said “a man who attempts to carry a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.”

I also use diazepam and lorazepam, mainly to mask the symptoms when my family is around. I’m am at times flirting between useing and abusing these compounds.

No I don’t do any talking therapy. I don’t have access to that, and Australian psychologists generally don’t want to work by teleconference. Furthermore it’s very hard for me to talk to people about my situation. I used to talk to my wife but I have now promised never to talk about it again and to pretend everything is ok because “it’s my problem and talking about it is causing them stress”. I guess that’s why I’m posting here. I have no one else to talk to.

I live a very one dimensional life in Papua New Guinea now: basically just work eat and sleep. Although I don’t eat so well. I often skip meals for no particular reason other than I don’t feel like it. I try to exercise, which for me means lifting heavy things. Other than that I just work. I often joke that I’m a member of the 100 club, meaning I work 100 hours a week or more. Yeah it’s not a healthy way to live but there are not many other options. Every other social activity involves excessive drinking. I avoid these situations as I know I’m not meant to drink

Work stress is a major issue. I am the ceo of a family company. I have 800 staff. The nature of png society and economy is such that unemployment is very high (>60%), so everyone who works for our company supports another 10 people. I feel a tremendous sense of obligation and responsibility to them. The economy is very bad and al businesses in Papua New Guinea are hurting, so I have a lot of fear about letting down those who depend on me.

Suicide is an ever present thought. I have the means to do it. But I won’t because I know this is a symptom of my illness. Some days it’s hard because it seems like the only way out. But also I know that if I was to take my life I would be failing all those who depend on me. I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say the company would collapse if I wasn’t there. This has been said to me many times, and of course increases the pressure.

So anyway I guess the summary is that I’m in a bad way, and I really don’t know how to fix it or to escape.

Hi Michael and welcome. You really seem to need support and I’m sorry you can’t get that in Papua New Guinea but that’s one thing we’re good at on DWD, so I’m glad you’ve found us. Do you have friends over there?

Do you want to return to Australia? If a job came up would you? Being away from your children must be horrible. Would it work if you moved back but didn’t live with them ie had access with the children?

Hi, thank you for your reply. Yes I had been planning to find a new job in Australia or some other place where we could be together. But after discussion with my wife she said they don’t want me back, because “I am too strange and too moody”. She says I must do my duty and provide for my family, which means staying in png. I make a reasonable salary there, and she doesn’t want to go backwards in terms of financial position.

To be clear, there is no intention of divorce. That hasn’t been discussed, nor is it something I want. I love my family more than anything and a divorce would kill me.

No I don’t really have any friends. I know everyone but everyone is either a competitor, a customer or a supplier, so it’s hard to have what I would call a real friend: someone who wants to spend time with you just because they enjoy your company, someone you can trust and feel comfortable talking to about these things.

Just FYI I have started a new thread on the dealing with depression forum

Hi Michael, i can understand how this would make you feel. But from what I read your wife is making demands on you eventhough she does not want you to return.

I would like to say that you need to look out for yourself. If your mental health is as stake then looking for a job that helps you with thats is a big thing to look into. And make that happen.

And this to me sounds like you are providing for a family. Not your family. Otherwise she would want you there.

I am not saying this to be harsh. But this is how it comes over to me.

It took me a while to seek help and I lost a lot of people along the way. But looking after myself is important. Not just for me but for the people around me too.

You deserve to be the best Michael you can be. As do your children.