I want to die **SH SU TRIGGERS**

I’ve had a strong impulse to self harm and kill myself for a couple years now... no one knows and I’m struggling to open up to anyone, I briefly got help from my school therapist but now that it’s closed that’s not happening. I find it hard to sleep and it constantly feels like my lungs are being compressed and my heart squeezed... ive never acted on these impulses until about a week ago where I started to purposely causes bruises and scratches along myself my first and only time to self harm but I’m worried it’ll grow and I’ll take my own life. This is my only real cry for help but also my goodbye if I don’t make it...

Hi Joey and welcome. I’ve added a trigger warning to your post.. it’s nothing to worry about, it just ensures that other members can avoid this if they feel it may be tough for them to read..

Hunni, how old are you? Have you spoken to your parents, your doctor, your friends? This doesn’t have to be good bye, I promise you there is always a way through - even if it doesn’t seem it right now. Are you on any medication at all?

Keep talking, lovely, it helps

Hi Joey and welcome to DWD. Paula is absolutely spot on in everything she's asked. It's good that you've been able to say what's going on, it's really tough to talk about this, so well done.
I echo Paula - how old are you? What about support around you?

Hey, nws about the trigger warning.. sorry I’m new here, I’m 18 and don’t really have parents to talk too, like I’m not an orphan and have parents but they’re not exactly great... I haven’t talked to anyone about it as I find it hard to reach out which is why I came here. I’m a bit of a loner and don’t really have many people in my life

Hi and welcome. There's nothing to apologise for, admin/mods will always sort out trigger warnings if they're needed and a member has forgotten so don't worry about it. This is a wonderfully supportive corner of the internet and you will always find someone to listen

Do you really want to die or do you no longer want to live the way you do now? There are other ways to get out of this hole you find yourself in. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy, but it is a better option that taking your life. None of us know what tomorrow will bring but we can decide what we are going to bring to tomorrow. If tomorrow seems to far away then focus on the next hour, or even the next breathe. Each one is a small victory where you are beating these urges. They are just thoughts, and thoughts can’t hurt us if we don’t act on them.

Can I ask why you can't talk to your parents or anyone around you? I know that the lockdown situation is making so many things more difficult, but you can get through this and you can live a happy life.
What about talking to your Dr? I know a lot of Dr's are offering telephone consultations? Or if you are at crisis point then you can text SHOUT to 85258 if you need someone at that point to help you through...

Stella I’ve never really thought about it, I just hate the situation I’m in, the body I’m in and the way my mind works. Feeling like on a daily basis I’m not good enough. So I guess that would be the situation but I also feel like there’s no reason place for me here and I feel like ending it might give me a place to fit in. I’m not religious and I don’t believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation but I know things can’t get much worse than they are so I feel like feeling nothing will be better than I have to feel now.

Suzi my dads not in my life and my mums a very public person, when I first started dealing with depression I would suffer from migraines and panic attacks and everyone from my aunt to people I’ve never met knew and tried talking to me. I have a sig. other who is honestly amazing but I find it hard to open up to her since I blame myself for all issues that come up in the relationship. As for a doctor I’m considering it but it’s just that fear of reaching out for help

What you have just described is pretty much how I have felt for a very long time, I’m a useless waste of space who doesn’t fit in and only makes trouble for the people I love and maybe they would all be better off if I wasn’t around. Everything is totally overwhelming and I’m not strong enough to fight it. I’m not the only one who can relate on this forum as we’ve all experienced similar thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a magic potion we could take to make it all better but it doesn’t work that. What I have learned over time is that the twisted view I have due to this illness is nothing like how others see me, I’m not a burden, or a waste of space and I am stronger than I believe and I’d bet my mortgage on the fact that your loved ones would tell you the same. This illness beats you down and tries to turn your own mind against you but you have to fight it. Reaching out to this random bunch of strangers is cyber space and bearing your feeling and darkest thoughts is incredibly brave and the first step to beating this. If you can share something so intimate with us, I suggest you book in to speak with your doctor and let them know how you’re feeling. You won’t be judged and it won’t be the first time they’ve heard it, but they will be able to help you and start you on a treatment program whether that be medication, talking therapies or a combination of both. Keep talking to us, contact your doctor and try to talk to your family if you can. The more love and support you have the better.

I'd just like to say that's a f*ing epic post from Stella. She's completely spot on too....