Nothing changes **Trigger warning**

Hi all.
Haven't been posting for a while.
I feel nothing is changing and I will always be afraid of life. Eveything feels incredible hard (from going shopping to cooking to looking after myself). I am seeing my therapist once a week and I talk about how I feel stuck. I know I need to be patient. But everyday I ask myself what's the point? (To assure you I am not suicidal). I just wish I was never born. I don't know how to stop the overthinking and worrying all the time - am I capable to do my job, what do people think of me, how do I come across, do people like me. I often feel like the third wheel. I know, it's mostly in my head. Knowing it's ridiculous and those are no real problems make it really hard talking about how feel.

Hi Samantha, it’s good to see you but I’m sorry you’re struggling. When did you last see your doctor?

I don't see the GP about this, just my therapist. I know people will say, go and see your doctor. I don't want to. I am scared they will put me on meds and the meds won't work. And than it's real. I am just weak, lazy, incapable, needy, attention seeking...

You aren't lazy or weak or any of those other negatives. Why are you scared at trying meds?

That they don't help. Part of me believes I am over exaggerating instead of just getting on with everyday life.
Taking meds means I am a loser. I know there are so many on meds, and none of you is a loser. You all have valid reasons, I don't have those, I just need to get over myself.

Samantha I'm sorry love but that's b(llocks. Depression is a REAL thing. It isn't made up and it certainly isn't something that you can "just get over." Would you say the same for a diabetic who needed insulin or me who needs to take a cocktail of drugs every day to be able to keep moving?
Yes it's true that you might have to try a couple of different ones to find the one which suits you better, but I really don't think it's something you should dismiss - especially if you are as low as you sound atm...

I am not saying it's not real. Just not sure it's really applying to me. Maybe I make it sound worse than it is. What's normal? What's the limit?

If you are wishing that you weren't here then that's pretty serious if you ask me.

Samantha, you’ve been here on and off for over 3 years and, in that whole time, I have never seen you happy or content with life. If that’s not real depression, I don’t know what is

I am feeling incredible lonely and scared. It's difficult to explain what I feel, that I don't enjoy life.

What are you scared of lovely?

(panda) Love, will you at least consider asking the dr about meds?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

What are you scared of lovely?

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Being like this forever: waking up every morning, wishing I wouldn't; the future, being alone, meds not helping, so I will be like this forever; not being able to explain why I hate myself. I have no interest in anything. I go to work everyday, pretending to know what I am doing. I am tired all the time. Talking is hard, explaining myself is exhausting.

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Originally Posted by Paula

(panda) Love, will you at least consider asking the dr about meds?

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I tried it before, saw the GP for what felt like 3 minutes, and she prescribed me some antidepressants without any real questions, just some tears (because i had relationship problems) were enough. That was 3 years ago. I took them for a month. The thought of taking them freaked me out.

And talking makes everything worse. Its much easier to ignore how I feel or what I think and just keep doing my day to day.

I understand that, but really lovely I think you need more than the counselling - would you go and talk to them? Taking them for a month isn't giving them a fair chance as they take roughly 6 weeks to get into your system and the same for any other meds change

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Originally Posted by Samantha340

And talking makes everything worse. Its much easier to ignore how I feel or what I think and just keep doing my day to day.

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And you wonder why things don’t change. There’s only one person who can change things and that’s you. If you don’t try you’ll never achieve anything. Whatever it is you’re doing isn’t working so you need to change it up and remember there is no quick fix. It takes time to get this bad and it’ll take time to get better. It takes more than a couple of weeks.

Stellar, I know that. It's all on me.

Thing is, you do have options and personally I'd advocate you talking over all your options with your Dr. Is it a private or NHS counsellor you are seeing? Do you find it helps at all?

Private counseling. I think it does. Encourages me to see different sides. She is the only person I can talk to without feeling judged or as a failure. I need to bring up the not wanting to exist subject. I don't want to come across as suicidal.

So have you not mentioned this to your GP since you last had some anti d's?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

So have you not mentioned this to your GP since you last had some anti d's?

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Haven't been to the GP since. It's probably 3 years ago I saw them.

Then please, please go back to your doctor, with an open mind .....

Hi Samantha, I've got to agree with the others. Have another go at seeing the GP. Give anti depressants another go if he/she suggests. There's nothing freaky about AD's. They can be life savers. Give them a chance along with counselling, and ask them about any other avenues you could investigate that will help you. You surely don't want to get up every morning feeling as you do, when there's a strong possibility that life can be good again. You owe it to yourself.

A lot can change in 3 years. Please at least think about it?

I promise I think about it.

Thank you x