My boyfriend suddenly feels emotionless

Hi everyone.

I’ve been with my boyfriend now for almost 6 years, we have a house and a dog together. About a month ago he suddenly became totally withdrawn, not showing me any affection to the point I was concerned he wanted to leave.

After numerous breakdowns on my part, he finally came out with the fact that he has felt emotionless, tired and lethargic, but that he wanted to try and figure it all out. I’ve offered up the idea of visiting the GP very gently, but at the moment he wants to try and explore the problem himself.

I’ve really tried to be a support for him but find myself spiralling into a terrible state of insecurity and sadness. I’m conscious not to try and make this about me and to try and help him but I am truly struggling.

He has tried to reassure me many times that our relationship isn’t the problem but I keep returning to ‘try and fix it’ mode.... again, trying not to make it about me although my breakdowns probably don’t give that impression.

Any advice on how to firstly help my boyfriend and then secondly keep me in a healthy state would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks x

Hi and welcome to DWD. As the wife to someone with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and social phobia I completely relate! I was told once that actually I have to put me first and take care of me or I wouldn't be able to look after him. It's simple, but true.
When did you last get a break? When did you and he last do something fun together? When did you last laugh?

Why doesn't he want to go to the Drs? It's the first stepping stone to getting help on the NHS...

Thanks for such a quick response, it feels great just to write it down!

Firstly I think he is scared of how he is feeling which is why he doesn’t want to go to the drs. I asked him point blank this morning if he was scared and he let out a small laugh/shrug and said yes. This is why I am being a little gentle with him but will keep offering the suggestion.

I am actually going abroad with work on Sunday for a week which I am worried about doing. I know it will be good for both of us to have a little break but I will be worried about him the whole time.

In terms of doing something fun together, we’ve done a few things lately. Days out, nights away but nothing is bringing a spark back. I’m not expecting early relationship behaviour, just the way it was 2+ months ago. I’m struggling to figure out whether I am over analysing his behaviour and making it more dramatic than it actually is or if it actually hasn’t gotten Any better.

In fact - I think that is the crux of it. I am speculating, he hasn’t been diagnosed, he isn’t able to give me a detailed view of how he is feeling, for all I know it could just be a rough patch that I need to give him time and space for. Everything is just flying through my head at the moment!

Hi and welcome. Sometimes, gentle persuasion to get your loved one to the doctors, sometimes being blunt, does the job. It’s hard to know which but he has admitted there’s a problem, which is a good step in the right direction. Unfortunately, as with most physical health problems, going it alone without your doctor doesn't often work. If it’s medication he’s concerned about, actually, for mild to moderate depression, it’s generally thought now that medication shouldn’t be the first line of defence and other options should be considered - eg counselling, CBT (https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognit...l-therapy-cbt/) etc. You’re right, though, he hasn’t been diagnosed so you’re speculating but that’s where seeing a doctor is so important because once you know what’s going on, then you can both deal with it together.

As for you, it’s vital you give yourself space and some me time has supporting someone who’s struggling is exhausting - even if it’s someone you love. Do you have anyone you can talk to for support?

I completely agree with Paula!

Thanks so much both.

I will absolutely let you know how we get on, it’s so reassuring to know there are places for me to get advice and as both me and my boyfriend get further into exploring this, I’m sure I will need help.

Xx

You are welcome here as much as you want - the same for him. We have separate male and female sections where you could both talk privately if you wanted/needed to?