I feel numb?...*SH, AB and SU Triggers*

Hi all,
I’m new here, and didn’t know where else to turn, since I’ve been down every useless avenue over the years and nothing has helped.
I warn you that his will be very very long, so please bear with me, if you can...

I want to start out by saying that I’ve suffered every kind of abuse that you can think of, and sadly I’m not exaggerating.
Family, ‘friends’, past relationships...


Over the years, I’ve become a recluse.
I’m 26 and still live with my parents (not by choice, I assure you!).
I am agoraphobic - and thus housebound - since 2012.
I have tried and tried to get back out again, but there are so many things stopping me. I can’t explain it.
Crippling fear and panic attacks stop me getting much further than not quite half way around the block.
I really have been trying so hard.

Aside from being r*ped (which I reported, but nothing was done, and the scumbag now lives locally to me, and the police will do nothing!), there is another issue;
In 2010, right after the police decided to take no further action on my abuser and r*pist, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer (she’s now in remission and has been for a few years), and my employer at the time had just fired me because I didn’t tell them about it, and they thought I should have.
My friends at the time knew of this, and instead of supporting me, they fabricated an ‘incident’ where I had supposedly talked about one of them on a Facebook status, which was simply not true.
I didn’t do that sort of thing then, and I had no reason to do that.
Despite there being no proof whatsoever of what they were accusing me of, they abruptly ditched me. Right when I needed them.
I tried hard to fix the friendship, but was told to stop trying and let them come to me.
When I tried that, they accused me of ‘not making the effort’. I couldn’t win either way!
Try as I might to say my side of things, nobody would listen. Why? I don’t know! I have no idea to this day why they were doing this, or what they were going off?
I was therefore uninvited from one of their weddings entirely, where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. “X and X said they’ve been having problems with you, and have refused to come to my wedding if you’re there. I’m sorry to say that you can’t come to the wedding. I hope we can be adult about this.”
Of course, I was devastated. I cried for days, tried to contact her to sort it out, even my mother tried, but to no avail.
What a spiteful and manipulative move to make! I would never EVER have ruined someone’s special day. Never!

From then on, my name was dragged through the dirt, I lost all my friends, a smear campaign and rumours began, and I was told that “the way I treat my friends is disgusting.” Merely for expressing how heartbroken I was, and why would people do this to me?
Since then, I was shouted at in the street, sent horrible messages, and so removed myself from social media...And the public.
I haven’t been out properly since.
And all my friendships since then have ended similarly.
Now I find myself pushing people away before they can hurt me.
I have lost all trust in people. These were people I once considered my best friends...But I was easily disposable.
And replaceable...

They stole one of my oldest friends.
Despite seeing what they had done, and how I still suffer now, she chose to remain friends with them.
She refused to take sides.
Which I would say is understandable, if it had merely been a silly squabble. But these people had ruined my life even more than it had been, knowing full well what I had been through.
They even accused me of lying about my mum’s cancer, which this friend knew about (our parents have been friends as long as we have).
To this day, she calls these people her best friends, yet still wants a friendship with me.

Last week, she got married.
They were invited.
I wasn’t.
And they proceeded to cruelly rub my face in the fact that this was yet another wedding of someone I care about, that they had attended, and I hadn’t.
They somehow found my new social media (after years of not using it), and tagged me in photos from the wedding. There was no mistake or accident about it.
This is the final straw for me.
I told my friend what they had done and sent her the screenshots.
She didn’t seem bothered by what they were doing.
I’m sorry, but these ex friends of mine spent years bullying me into reclusion, and now attack me like this? After securing my best friend (not that she reciprocates the ‘best friend’ thing. Nobody ever has.)
I feel so hurt and betrayed by her.
Surely a friend would have defended me right from the start of the bullying? Not refuse point blank to take sides?!
I’ve never got over what happened.

(Cont. in replies)

(Continued)

Anyway.
I’ve had depression since I was around 12 years old. (Therapists have given up on me and medication did not work.)
In that time, I’ve self harmed and attempted...Not that anyone notices or gives a monkeys!
Lately - since this incident - I’ve just felt numb.
I’ve lost probably my only friend left besides my boyfriend, and I feel completely alone.
I feel betrayed yet again.
These people aren’t intimidating - just horrible, cruel and spiteful! So I don’t believe for a second she’s scared of them. They aren’t scary people - they get other people to do that for them, whilst they masquerade as ‘such lovely people who can do no wrong’.

My depression is the lowest it’s ever been.
I need to let it out, but I can’t...
I just feel void? Numb? I want to cry my heart out, kick someone’s a*se, scream at these lowlives that they’ve ruined my life...
But I can’t even muster the energy to get out of bed. I’m not sleeping properly, I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, despite my crushing loneliness.
I feel useless, worthless, like I have nothing to live for. Why am I even bothering to get out of bed to even eat or use the bathroom?
I’m tired and drained, emotionally numb, yet mentally distraught and angry.

What is this?
What can I even do?


Thank you if you made it this far, sorry this was so, so long!
I really needed to get it out.

Hi lavender and welcome to DWD. First, I’ve amended the trigger warning you kindly put on your post as you’ve also discussed abuse.

I’m so sorry, hunni, you’ve had a terrible time. When was the last time you spoke to your doctor and when was the last time you had any sort of treatment? Have you received counselling from someone who specialises in sexual abuse? Has anyone mentioned CBT to you?

Sorry for all the questions ;)

Thank you.
I haven’t spoken to my doctor in probably a year.
Trust me, it’s been so many years that I’ve had these illnesses, and these things going on, that every avenue of help imaginable, I’ve gone down.
All of them have failed, so now I’ve just given up.
Multiple Therapists have given up on me, CBT included. CBT did not work for me anyway.
I guess I’m just not worth helping, and can’t be saved :/
Sad maybe, but I suppose it’s something I have to accept and somehow deal with.

Hi and welcome to DWD.
There are far more options than CBT lovely - have you tried other forms of therapy such as counselling, EMDR which may or may not be appropriate or anything else?
Of course you're worth helping and I firmly believe that you can get better lovely...

As aforementioned, I’ve tried everything over the past almost 14 years.
Nothing has worked, every therapist and counsellor gave up on me, and to be honest I’ve now sworn off them.
For me, they’re a waste of time, and in some cases, money.
I’ve tried every medication offered, and that didn’t work either.
Exercise also did nothing - I used to be a very active person for years and years, but that didn’t magically cure me either.
Perhaps I’m too broken to fix.
Also it angers me that I should be the one to go through therapy, when it’s these people who hurt me, who are the messed up ones.
I personally feel they should be forced to take a hard look at themselves and fix their vicious personalities.
Why me?

We can’t control what people do, only how we react ..... lovely, this anger is only hurting you

What meds have you tried?

I haven't found anyone I'd consider too broken to be fixed yet lovely ;)

Sweetheart I totally understand the anger, but I also know how much mental and physical pain it brings with it. You have to find a way to get it out of your head safely.
What kinds of therapy have you tried? Have you had specific therapy or just more general ones?

It’s more hurt, betrayal and confusion than anger.
Although, who wouldn’t be angry at being treated so appallingly for no good reason?

The actions of these people destroyed every part of me; my happiness, my confidence, my trust, my entire reputation. Nobody will touch me with a bargepole because of things they have ‘heard’.
And then to alienate others, ensuring I have no friends.
Absolutely despicable. It’s not the first or last time it’s happened to me, but it was the worst, most painful, most unexplained and dragged out.
So please don’t patronise me... I have good reason to feel the way I do.

I’ve tried everything offered!
CBT twice (most recently last year), multiple types of counselling, exposure therapy, DBT, and others including ‘art therapy’, which did absolutely nothing.

I’ve been on Citalopram, Mirtazipine, Sertraline, Fluoxetine... None of which worked, and I do not want to be medicated again, just like I do not want therapy again.
Nothing works.

But discussing my past treatments is not why I’m here. That’s very personal to me and I don’t like to talk about them because they failed, therefore I failed.

So you feel so bad but you don’t want to do anything to help yourself? There are a lot more than 4 different meds, and talking therapy, well it helps to find the right therapist because a good relationship is important.

Nobody’s patronising you, we just want to help

There are actually 21 different antidepressants that can be prescribed and finding the right one, even if it only helps a little, can give you the break needed for counselling to actually help. My latest counsellor has been awesome, she's the 8th or 9th one I've seen. I'm on my 8th antidepressant and am only just starting to get some help from secondary services, this is after 12 years of suffering. Sometimes you have no choice but to keep fighting, no matter how hopeless it feels. Just because what you've tried hasn't helped, doesn't mean you've failed, it just means they weren't the right treatments for you. Depression isn't one size fits all unfortunately, treatment is trial and error. We tend to ask about previous treatments so we aren't suggesting things you've already tried to help.

I know how much the thing with your friends will hurt, I've been through similar myself. I can relate to a lot of what you've said actually.

Have you contacted your local MIND to see if they can offer any help?

I'm sorry you feel that we have patronised you - I promise that's never our intention.

As has been said there are loads of different medications and therapy available as are other medications or combinations - but if you don't want either that's totally your choice! We aren't medically trained, and there is no way that we are trying to push one thing or another! If you just want to talk then that's cool too.