Dealing with Depression & Anxiety again

Hi, I have suffered severe depression & anxiety on and off since I was 18. I'm 53 now and it's back and I'm devastated. It's roughly my 6th episode and this time I went 8 years without it returning, probably due to remaining on anti-depressants. For some mad reason, I stopped taking them, I don't know why. I was exhausted with work, lack of sleep due to restless leg syndrome and stress of work. All the old feelings have flooded back.....wanting to die, not wanting to die, can't see a future, every day is like climbing a mountain and every morning I wake up feeling the same and I'm back on the meds but they're not working, I'm also on anxiety tablets which make me calm b ut then the depression hits hard and I just don't care about anything. I feel like my life is over, I think I'm old - but 53 isn't old......is it? I feel like my time here is done but I desperately don't want to feel like this.....I have 2 amazing children, the most beautiful granddaughter but they have their own lives and feel they don't need me, they'd get over losing me as they have their loved ones now. Thing is, my daughter was there for me through the first week of this, I stayed with her and she was great but I just felt like a burden, my granddaughter is only 8 months old. She's getting married this year and is going through all the excitement of that and here's me bringing her down and not being the mum I was for her. I am still fighting but feel like the fight is getting harder and harder, I don't know what to do.....

Hey Julie, welcome to DWD.

Your post sounds like someone who really needs some support - but who still has fight left inside them. Can I ask why you stopped taking your anti d's? When did you stop taking them? When was the last time you saw your GP and told them how you are feeling?
53 is definitely not old!

To be honest, I don't know why I stopped taking them. It started off missing a dose here and there a few months back and then I just stopped probably over xmas & new year and then I would think oh I should take one. I got it into my head that maybe they were causing my restless legs and I was so exhausted, I just wanted to sleep but I've ended up back in this dark place. I spoke to my GP last week over the phone and she prescribed me propanolol for anxiety and to keep taking my anti-d's. I asked for oxazepam bcos they really helped last time but she wouldn't give me them due to dependency (i've never got addicted to them). She said propanalol do the same job but not addcitive.

Hi Julie and welcome! Unfortunately guidelines are quite tight for benzodiazepines now as people can get addicted to them quite quickly. Propranolol will help with the physical symptoms of anxiety and can give you space to deal with the mental symptoms. They can work really well, I was on them for years and they helped enormously.

The fact you're reaching out for help and support suggests there is strength to fight, sometime we just need a little propping up (panda)

Hi, love, and welcome. So, re introducing your ADs will be the same as when you first starting taking them. It’ll take a couple of months to really feel the benefit. I know right now that feels like forever, but you won’t get to a better place until you’re taking them exactly as prescribed. I know how you feel. I’m about your age and have struggled since I was 16. I’ve been on meds permanently for years but a little while ago I had a horrendous stomach bug and my meds weren’t digested. I became very ill. It was awful for about 6 months but taking the meds and looking after myself eventually helped me feel a lot better. And, hunni, that’s what you need to do.

Part of looking after yourself means stopping your guilt trip. Your children love you, your granddaughter is at the age when she’ll love getting to know you. None of them will be better off without you, I promise. And stop beating yourself up for stopping the meds - it happened, you’ve realised what went wrong, you spoke to your doctor, you’re doing what the doctor wants you to do right now. You’re on the right path.

Just as an aside, when did the restless legs start?

Thank you, the propranalol do help, albeit for a short time. :)

Thanks so much for your reply. I needed to hear that, the negative thoughts are relentless and every time I try to be positive, that voice is there saying "what's the point", it's driving me nuts! But I take my tablets every day, I try to use the coping mechanisms that worked before, it's just exhausting. The restless legs started a few years back and gradually got worse to the point I'd have no sleep at all some nights. The docs gave me codeine but then after a while they wouldn't give them to me anymore (addicitve). I was on venlafaxine 8 years ago but the doc had to take me off them as they caused high blood pressure and I feel it was around that time the restless legs started too.

It is exhausting and that's why you need to pace and rest when your body tells you too.
For restless legs have you tried drinking tonic water (the one with added quinine) as it can help. I sympathise, I share the same condition.. I find things like a weighted blanket helps, as do things like a hot water bottle, and fluffy socks - now I've painted a beautiful picture of me at nightime lol... Codeine has never helped my RL, but I now take cbd oil which helps too - some of these work, some on their own, some in conjunction with each other and some nights I've tried everything and it still doesn't help...

For the restless legs, I've tried magnesium. It's working for now and I only get the occasional night that they wake me.
Wrt the feelings coming back, have you tried keeping a mood diary? I find them very helpful. I look back on the week, and see how I've done on different days.