Think I'm losing my mind

Hi.

I joined because I think I'm losing it. I may or may not have previously been a member on the forum, (i was a member of a forum when I last suffered with depression.) I suffered from depression a while back it was due to a host of things, being bullied as a child, lonliness and the break ip of a relationship mainly. I sought treatment, had counselling and got better. Or so I thought. Now years later I find I am struggling again.

I have ocd, or I should say, I suspect I have ocd. I first became aware if it after my first ever car accident in 2005.

Its highly likely, I suffer from anxiety and feel down when yhings seem too much.

My ocd triggers with stress, it varies what causes it, driving places that I've never been to before, speed cameras (the thought of setting one off even though I drive everywhere with my sat nav on to make sure I don't speed and go steady everywhere ), the thought of getting into trouble for anything, ever.... Work (I work in education), losing my job... (I've just survived a restructure and not been made redundant) and the thought of losing my wife and son.

My wife is getting angry with me because of how I behave when I freak out. She thinks I need help. I know she worries that my son will be like me. I do too.

Today I bumped my car into a gate of a shop car park, I saw no damage to the gate. But I damaged my car, I freaked out. I didn't report it to anyone because I caused no damage to the gate and intend to pay for my cars damage myself. Because Its my fault i damaged my car. But this has lead me to think I'm going to end up with a criminal record, because I didn't report it. I should point out its not on a road and no other car was involved. I don't know the law when it comes to gates and not actually causing any damage, so I don't know how it works. I just went into fight or flight mode and went home.

I feel like everytime I make a mistake, because I'm human I freak out and torture myself, I punish myself by being unhappy and worrying, this in turn makes me worry more...

I think I need help...

Hi and welcome. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and, I agree, it sounds like you need help. Have you been to your doctor? Are you on any medication?

Hi and welcome. I have to agree with Paula, it definitely sounds like you need help. Can you go and see you GP ASAP?

Hi Hangetsu,

It clearly sounds that you need help the first port of call should be your doctor if you haven't already seen to see him/her and take it from there.

Hi and welcome to DWD. I can't add anything to what the others have said. Definitely see your Dr and tell him everything you've told us. That's the first important step. He may be able to offer you some options that will help you. Good luck.

Hi and welcome. I agree, getting some help from your GP sounds like a good idea, but we'll help support you on the journey too...

Thank you everyone. GP is booked for this evening. So taken that step. Apologies for the massive start to the thread. I don't know if I'll stay on the forum or not, as I don't know if I was looking to just vent or more.

I'll see hiw I feel after the docs.

You'll be more than welcome to stay if you want to talk to those with some understandings....

So an update...
I went back to shop and spoke to manager, on Monday after work, once I'd calmed my OCD enough to do so, I apologised and explained what had happened, the staff were lovely, very understanding and accepted my apology for their gate attacking my car (the gate was uninjured and had no personal insurance so its not going to be paying for the repairs itself...) The manager wasn't worried about it as others have knocked the gate off entirely before, so someone bumping it and causing absolutely no damage was of course no issue... Which was a huge relief... One thing dealt with...
Then had a very long conversation at the doctors where I explained and demonstrated my obsessive tendencies and communicated that I felt counselling may be a good idea, since I was struggling with all the "lovely experiences" that had triggered my OCD in the last couple of years and more importantly, recently.. The person I spoke to took loads of time with me and gave me contact details of counselling services to refer myself to. Which I've done. So now I'm booked for an assessment phone call in the next few weeks.
I declined medication for now, though I was assured I could have it if I came back and wished to use it. They recommended I keep exercising like I recently started to do again, keep doing my hobbies and give myself time for me. I would be doing that this evening but I've got a lot of work I need to get done soon, so currently not hobbying like I'd like to... Though I am aiming to spend most of Saturday doing my own thing if I can.
Had a conversation with a good friend about everything that evening and that helped also.
So I guess I'm making positive and logical steps towards taking back control...

Wow that's an amazing post!
So glad you've spoken to your manager! That was really brave and I'm so glad they were understanding.
Well done for talking to your GP too! It's not easy having that kind of discussion!

Definitely positive steps! Just one of those actions would have been tough, to do them in all in the past few days is incredible. You should be proud of yourself :)

Apologies, looking at the wording of my last post I can see where the idea I'd spoken to my work line manager occurred. I haven't spoken to my line manager... In all honesty I'd rather not. But I did speak to the shop manager at the place where I bumped my car.

Thanks though, as all the things I've done are definitely positive steps forward.

Also made the decision that there is no work being done this evening. This evening is all about spending time for myself.

Have a pleasant evening everyone.

Ahh, OK.. Why don't you want to talk to your manager lovely?

I'm glad you're not working tonight! Hope you're having a lovely evening.

Hello again.
In all honesty there are several reasons I don't wish to talk to my line manager.

He's leaving for a new place of work at the end of this academic year and hasn't done a very good job of managing the team through recent months of hell, add on top of that I find it hard to trust him with the way he treats individuals differently and it's not really an ideal situation for raising my mental health.

If I'm still having major issues after the new line manager is in place, then I'll see what I think then.

For now, I'm talking to my wife, a select group of close friends, putting the occasional post on here and waiting for my assessment call from the counselling peeps. I'm trying to remind myself every day that there are positives in my life and attempting to make sure I take time for myself.

Have a good evening everyone.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk to your current line manager then!

I'm so glad you're talking to those around you. That is so important and although it can be really hard starting those conversations, if they know that you're struggling rather than just backing off from the friendship/relationship it can be them that helps you through.

Well done for talking to your loved ones and for taking time for yourself. You’re doing exactly what you need right now