Finally getting through it? *trigger*

Hi all

Its was last November that I posted and I guess there are lots of new people on here now who don't know me. SO my name is Pen, I am female, I am far to close to 50 for my own comfort, I have two pretty well grown up kids who live with me and a really complicated relationship with my husband of 23 years. I used to be a senior manager in IT until a series of events kicked off major clinical depression and I lost my job, 6 years ago. Now I have gone back to college and am just in my last year of a BA in Contemporary Art and professional studies (Otherwise known as how to be a professional artist and hopefully not starve whilst doing it!).

In the last year things have finally started to get better. When I first got depression I was really ill. I was terrified of how I would cope, how I would pay the bills as depression and anxiety meant that I could not face even applying for other jobs yet alone dealing with working again. Over the years I have had really bad spells when I was convinced that I should kill myself as the world would be better without me and not so bad spells. In the last six months the not so bad spells have become good spells. The really bad spells have become rare and in the last couple of months have lasted hours rather than days.

My life has changed in ways that I could not have predicted when this all started and I have had to take a really hard long look at myself and decide what is really important to me. The changes have been scary but ultimately made things better.
I sold the house that I part owned with my deceased mother at the beginning of February which meant I could pay my brothers their inheritance and buy out right a smaller house in a more convenient part of town and I could save some money. The new house comes with a lovely double garage that I am converting into a studio/training room and I plan to run courses in ceramics (which is my specialty) as well as other art stuff. All the research I have done suggests that this will be popular in the area so I am hoping to make enough to pay the bills.

I now feel stronger than I have for years. Things like a nasty letter from my the solicitor of my Brother in Law (very long story involving another house belonging to my husbands family) I can now put to one side to deal with later without feeling that I either need to reach for the lorzapam or go and hide under the duvet whilst my insides turn themselves upside down.

Five years ago I asked a psychiatrist how long it would take for me to get better, he did not know the answer of course, but if he had said 5 years I would have been horrified but everyone gets through this at their own pace.

I am still on anti depressants albeit at a reduced dose but have come off all the anxiety medication. I am still with the community mental health team but have been stepped down so that I no longer have a care coordinator just a "reviewing officer" who will be in touch in about 6 months. If things get bad again I can still call the team if I need help and if it becomes another long spell I would be allocated my old Care coordinator again quickly.

I thought I would share this to reassure people that you can get through this, even if life has to change to make it happen. There are a few things I have learnt along the way that I would also like to share:-

Learn yourself. It took me years but I now can tell when things are starting me on the downward spiral and that I need to do something to stop it like going to bed early, or stopping what I am doing and do something else.

Learn which friends you can trust. I have lost so many friends through my illness, friends I thought would understand but who really just could not "get" my illness and walked out of my life and it HURT. I now have a few really good friends that I can tell when I am having a bad time and friends who I would have a laugh and a joke with but would never tell how I was really feeling.

Get out the house and try to talk to someone everyday. Even if it is only going to the shop for a bottle of milk, use the till not the self service and talk to the cashier!

Exercise really does help but you don't need to go to the gym or jog for hours. Even when you feel that putting on clothes is a bridge too far, try and go for a walk. I have a dog called Ember and we walk for about an hour to an hour and a half every day.

To quote the Americans "Don't sweat over the small stuff" When you are down you only have a small amount of energy, use it on whats important. Pay the bills, eat and drink, get to the appointments. The housework can wait till you feel better (or get someone else to do it!).

Its good to see you Pen, and it sounds like life has really taken a step in the right direction and in a really positive way.

Pen, I am so happy to see you. When I first joined here your posts resonated with me the most, and I have often wondered how you were getting on while you weren't around. I am so glad to hear things are on the up. Selling the house and moving was a huge milestone so well done to you!!

Good to hear from you both. I will try and be on here a bit more now the move is over but I am still sorting out things like builders and electricians and have the final few months to finish off my degree so am still busy.

Is so wonderful to hear from you! I've been following you on Facebook but I'm so glad you've popped in to let us know how you are doing. You've been missed x

Hi hunni and welcome back ;) it's so good to hear all your positive news

I was pleased to read your news Pen. I'm glad that you have posted such an encouraging post for others to read. Thank you. Good to see you again on here.

Its been an exciting and scary day. The builders came to start the conversion of the garage into a studio. They have fitted about half the roof insulation and plaster board and one roof window so far. It has made the attic room look HUGE! I am really pleased with the work. The builder has made a suggestion of how I could better fit out the toilet, (including soundproofing, which I had not thought about, so that people don't have to listen to the person in the toilet having a pee!) which is fine but it will cost another £250 and I am at my budget limit now. I also need to get bannisters fitted onto the staircase to the upstairs room. That will cost another £250. It all needs doing and it will add a lot of value/desirability to my house but even so it is worrying.

Really scared about how the money will pan out over the next few months if I eat into my living fund! Dad will lend me a bit. But terrified that this business idea will not work. I have done some market research and already have over 30 leads of people who said they would be interested in coming on a course, but even so I don't know what I will do if I don't get the income I need!

The fact you're doing this, following your dream is amazing. I know the money side of things is worrying, as it is for any small business starting up, but I hope you will get the funds you need and do what you've always wanted to do :)

I think it's amazing that you are doing this! I wouldn't have thought of sound proofing either!