Personal Entry but I don't care. I need some hope.
Lost.
Afraid.
Alone.
Nothing.
Depressed but feels normal now.
I would say that I’m tired of even going on. I don’t know why I feel happy but sadder; than happy.
I mean I have to remember that the video on the single twenty-year olds. How the response on YouTube was huge. Many are in my position. Although, I feel the majority have better chance than I do. If they don’t have any mental illnesses to deal with. I don’t want to use it as an excuse but, I am certain it makes everything ten times harder, than it needs to be.
I hate going out. I hate doing university work. I feel burnt out. I don’t even have a part-time job for (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) sake. I just want to watch films and play games. But at the same time, I want to be productive, just the energy isn’t there. This placement has put me off more than it should’ve. I don’t think my placement provider knows how much this has affected me. It’s tough enough alone having to put myself out there, and for it to backfire from my ‘idle hands’ it has struck a chord. Is there any point in trying? Yes, but I really question what I’m living for. Is it my future employment? No. Is it the possibility of a future relationship with a soulmate? Maybe.
One thing’s for sure. I know that I’m understanding and caring; to an extent. I am easy to avoid getting to know others. I put a wall up, I find it’s easier and makes it clearer to who I am. I always need to have time alone; especially as an INFJ. Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Judging.
I feel distant from my family, because I cause it. I don’t currently feel the need for contact. But my mentality is begging for it. I would like to die but wouldn’t, as I wouldn’t be able to play future games or watch future movies. But is this enough to keep food on the table? No.
Everything else depresses me. I’m spoilt. I hate my upbringing. I hate my life. I have no friends. Never had a relationship, and I’m also certain that I’m the biggest loser if my past friends were to see my life.
My life is the same, same old. I have seen many counsellors; all are rubbish. Freya has been my favourite so far. I don’t feel Fiona truly understands my brain. So, she just sits there and listens to whatever I have to say. But it isn’t enough. All motivation is gone. It’s awful. This is what causes my idle hands. I would love to snap out of it. I wish, I wish, I wish. I want to meet other like-minded people with the illness. Then hopefully I’m not judged too much. Just the energy to do that isn’t here yet. Yes, the only way to get better would be to exercise, get a job and drink water. But, I don’t want to do it. I’d rather feel like crap and be homeless than do that. It’s too much work.
Anyone else as lame as me?
