Hi *AB, SU TRIGGERS*

Hi. I’m new to the forum. I’ve had depression and anxiety for about 9 years. I’m on medication, had various counselling over the years. Some has been very helpful at the time, but now I have no support. I also drink too much which I know makes me feel worse. There are mental health issues in my family caused mainly by mental abuse by my Mother and also sexual abuse by another member of the family. My brother committed suicide last year. Even though I have a wonderful husband and 2 grown up children and two grandchildren I now feel I have no point in being alive. My husband try’s but cannot understand what I’m going through. I don’t see my children or grandchildren very often, so they obviously don’t care about me. My daughter rings once a week but she always sounds like I’m getting on her nerves. but my son never calls , it can be months before I see him and my darling grandchildren, I once said I needed to see them more but he said I was ‘putting pressure on him’ to visit more! and when we do see him it is always arranged by me or my husband. I do not discuss my mental health with my children as they won’t understand or care. They do know I had a breakdown years ago but I guess they think I’m ok now. My parents never loved me so I made a big effort with my children to always let them know I love them, which I do deeply, and have always been there for them and done everything we could over the years but now they have grown up I feel I have lost them. I only wanted a different relationship with my children than what my mother had with hers. There’s no point going to the Dr as they do nothing apart from putting you down for counselling again. I cannot ring the Samaritans as the person in my family who abused me was a Samaritan so you never know who you are talking to. I feel so lonely and so tired. I feel I have no one.For the first time this week I looked up how many and what tablets to take to end it all. I am so scared with what’s happening to me. Someone at work caught me on this app and said “staying alive app”! ? and then laughed. That shows that no one understands unless you are going through it. Thank you for reading this, I no you will understand.

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you talk about suicide and abuse. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

You have been through so much! There's no wonder you are struggling. Speak to your doctor lovely, more counselling may help and they can also look at medication. Have you told them about the abuse? Have you ever dealt with that trauma in a therapeutic setting? If you're looking up how many tablets to take then you really do need professional help lovely. You're right about alcohol, it's a depressive. Do you think cutting down is something you need help with?

If you don't want to go to the Samaritans you could always contact Mind and see what help they can offer, they often run support groups. And you can always talk here too lovely.

Hi and welcome to the group. I'm so sorry you're feeling so rubbish. I know you don't see much point in it right now, but please, please, please don't take steps to hurt yourself or worse. Things can and will change.
Jaq is right, please get an appointment to talk to your Dr and tell them how bad you are feeling. Explain that you are looking up ways to end your life. You need access to something like a crisis line as well as some support - be that with your GP, a mental health team, medication/counselling etc...

Thank you both for your replies. On reading what both of you and others have been through,

How are you feeling today lovely?

Hi Penny welcome to DWD I can't add much to what Suzi and Jaq have said if you are looking up how many tablets you need to end things you need help, seeing your GP is always a good start.

Hi Penny and welcome.

I feel I have to tell you that you definitely have a different relationship with your children than you had with your mother - because you did not put your children through what she did to you. You love them, and have always shown them that. Please, please remember that.

Do you text your children at all or only phone them?