single and depressed *SH + SU trigger*

Hi (tea)

Im new to the forum; I been really struggling with the whole lockdown and my mental health has gone downhill.

Ever since I have been 16, all I have wanted is to settle down and have a baby but it never happens for me. I have never even had a relationship at 29 and all my friends have long term partners. married and kids. I am the only one left and it aboustley kills me. I know its not a race, but its what i want more than anything, always has been.

People always say to me 'it wont come if your looking' or 'you need to love yourself first' which isn't true - I have had friends who I've given my all to lift them up who have been at rock bottom, friends with really bad self esteem, even friends who have treated me and others bad to get what they want etc and somehow they are blessed with meeting someone and they grow together and have lovely relationship so why is it only me who has to be this perfect version of myself before it happens? Ive spent over 10 years working on myself, im done. I cant do it anymore.

It has always made me feel upset but i have lived my life to the full- ive been travelling , have university degress, got friends etc. However, over past couple of years its got to the point I ended up in hospital with self harm a few years back and lately with the lockdown I just feel hopeless (How the hell am i going to meet someone anytime soon) Its all I want, I cry everyday and I cant even get out of bed anymore. Nothing else compares to wanting this, I used to find enjoyment in hobbies and hanging out with friends but all I truly want in my heart is to have a partner to have a home together, yano do the weekly shop at asda, watch films in the evening, , take my kids to school and tuck them into bed and go on family holidays etc. People patronise me and say ' relationships aren't all good' I know a relationship isn't a bed of roses 24/7 but its my turn to experience those simple things, to share my life with someone special? Im just at a point where I don't want to live anymore if its without my desire ive prayed and cried for for over 10 years. :( I cant seen the point if ive got nobody to share my life with, ive been on my own for too long that its just boring now and too painful to notice its absence

I live at home in my childhood bedroom as cant afford a flat with lockdown, I don't drive, or have a job I enjoy (near impossible to get out because ive used my college and university funding entitlement when I was younger); I work in care and obv all I do allday is give give give and its draining every bit of energy I have left. How can I keep giving, its my turn now to receive some love? Ive tried every self help book, every therapy, church, working on my looks, hobbies, career etc. Nothing makes me feell truly happy, its very superficial happiness to ease the pain of being alone - its like im just treading water in whatever I do waiting for my dream to come true.

quite frankly im at a point where theres nothing left to give, Im not the bubbly funny person i was a few years ago, I feel empty, lonely angry and bitter (Bitter esp after the situation after supporting that friend through rough time and they treat people like dirt but God blesses them with falling in love), yet im left to rot after selflessly giving my all to cheer someone up despite how I feel myself deep down. Im nearly 30 and I still look the same as did when I was 16, I still feel the same, I feel like I haven't matured or come into the 30 year old woman im meant to be. Im sick of picking myself back up and trying to better myself , its just exhausting and it never works . Nothing is ever going to fill that hole apart from finding love and I don't know what to do anymore

xx

Hi and welcome. Hunni, I’m sorry you feel like this. I KNOW you don’t want to hear this but I promise you things will get better. Have you talked to anyone about this, did you see anyone from the mental health team after you needed hospital treatment? Are you taking any medication? Is there anyone, friends and family, who you can properly talk to?

hunni, I’ve added a trigger warning to your post. It’s nothing to worry about, we just need to make other members aware there might be a discussion about something they might find tough

Hi, im so sorry you're going through this. Have you told anyone about this? Your friends or family members? They can help support you through this, don't ever think you're alone facing your problem.

Hi and welcome to the group. Hunni, from a purely practical side of things what kind of things are you trying to meet people? Have you thought of a dating app? What about something like meetup.com where you can meet others with a similar interest to just meet friends - which you sound like you could do with and which may develop into more.

I do agree with the others, have you spoken to your Dr about how you are feeling?

thank you for your replies
I hate being so negative because I don't want to bring other people down (bear). I do have family, they are supportive and know about my MH isnt great atm however I would not tell them how bad its got because it would scare them. I have never felt like this in my life. I have had my countless low moments but i have always lifted myself back up and gave it 110% towards improving myself and life but this time its different. Its a genuine feeling of enough is enough, and not wanting to wake up in the morning so I can be a peace and not have to keep painfully going through the days of anxiety and sadness and waiting for something that i have lost of faith can happen.

I have been to the doctors since I was 16 with depression and anxiety , ive had every med, every therapy. Nothing works, it all stemmed from me feeling ugly and hating myself and my friends all having boyfriends in high school but nobody wanted me. And its just escalated over the years - I would personally say ive got the self esteem to a reasonable, if not good level over the past few years but that hurt of not having anyone special in my life has never gone away. I was considering going to the drs again but as silly as it sounds unless they can prescribe me a boyfriend I don't see much point :(

I would say being and mum and wife has always been my purpose - my friends who are married with kids and dogs and lovely family life try to boost me up by telling me ive got a great career but they don't understand that yes it might be 'great' job by societies standards but its not what is actually what my heart wants.

I would say my passion is travelling - I have always coped by travelling whenever my mental health.. Obv now travelling is out the window, the days of easy cheap travels and staying in hostels is long gone for now. I always said I would never end my life if I became so depressed that I didn't want to live anymore, I always said I would sell everything and travel indefinitely and see what happens. My way of coping has been taken away from me. My head is torn, I want to live because my desire to meet someone and have that family life is so strong (I sometimes think i want it more than anyone in the world) but at the same time i don't want to carry on anymore.

I have tried online dating many timesetc . Im not an obsessive dater or clingy because i just live my life and had fun - Its just crazy that ive got on with my life for the past 12 years and nobody has come alone whether im looking or not.

Hunni, there are literally hundreds of medication/combinations/therapies which do generally help people, so there is always a point of going and talking to your Dr. Things change and new techniques are there to help and are being developed all the time. Don't rule it out.

Although foreign travel isn't an option, are there parts of your this country you haven't seen yet? You could still travel, just not as far itms?
I assume you've tried things like meetup.com? Just to meet new people etc?

You mention how you wish that you wouldn't wake up etc are you thinking of taking your own life?

As you've mentioned how you wish you wouldn't wake up I've added the SU trigger warning - it's nothing bad, just to alert other members who may be triggered by discussions involving this topic. Suzi x