I am out of my depth on this one

Not sure were to start on this problem so the beginning is a good place. Theoretically I should be moving on and I want to so much, these dreams are haunting me. I met my ex husband many years ago and fell deeply in love with him. Through out the years we had many problems and split up for a few years before getting back together. We married, had kids, a business, it was never enough as he had drink. With the drinking came abuse. I got depression combined with a lot of debt through his actions.

Fast forward to present day . Most of the debt has been paid back, I am single again, my kids now teens have turned out to be well rounded sensible teenagers who are doing well in life. So you may be asking yourself what the problem is. It is me . As well as going through anxiety, depression and perimenopause I ask haunted by dreams of the ex. I want to move on so badly. Why am I denied a second chance at life ? I still love the person my ex once was. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself of all the nasty abusive things he did to me there is a part that needs closure. My dreams consist of the same content which is normally about his abandonment of me. It hurts like hell. No amount of drugs are going to cure these dreams so what do I do ? He moved on for me its a living hell. Deep down my soul is very lonely and I am sick to death of acting out my life as though it is perfectly normal.

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Originally Posted by Tia

Not sure were to start on this problem so the beginning is a good place. Theoretically I should be moving on and I want to so much, these dreams are haunting me. I met my ex husband many years ago and fell deeply in love with him. Through out the years we had many problems and split up for a few years before getting back together. We married, had kids, a business, it was never enough as he had drink. With the drinking came abuse. I got depression combined with a lot of debt through his actions.

Fast forward to present day . Most of the debt has been paid back, I am single again, my kids now teens have turned out to be well rounded sensible teenagers who are doing well in life. So you may be asking yourself what the problem is. It is me . As well as going through anxiety, depression and perimenopause I ask haunted by dreams of the ex. I want to move on so badly. Why am I denied a second chance at life ? I still love the person my ex once was. It doesn't matter how many times I remind myself of all the nasty abusive things he did to me there is a part that needs closure. My dreams consist of the same content which is normally about his abandonment of me. It hurts like hell. No amount of drugs are going to cure these dreams so what do I do ? He moved on for me its a living hell. Deep down my soul is very lonely and I am sick to death of acting out my life as though it is perfectly normal.

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Oh sweetie I am in the same boat except we did not break, but the loneliness is crippling, the sense of rejection, abandonment and not being good enough has not gone but I am still married. We do not share the same bed and sex is as rare as a cold day in Dubai but it has been 12 years now and to the outside it looks ok and to her it looks ok but inside I whither. My kids are at Uni and I kept the family together but now I see it is at the cost of me!! So I deeply appreciate your situation. I would say take steps to not be lonely. You are free to do so. And rejoice in the fact that life does not need to be normal it is what you choose. You chose freedom and so revel in it and whilst revelling think of your mate Ezzie who is not so free! In the centre of a circle but not part of it!

How long has it been since you split? I was with someone abusive for a few years and I still loved them when I left them, even thoughts were abusive, it took me a long time to stop dreaming about them, I'm just told myself I was free and I now had a chance to be happy every day, and eventually they went away. If you have bad dreams focus on the good things when you're awake, don't try not to think of him, just fill your mind with all the good stuff in your life, in the present. It can take a while. Sometimesnyou have to find closure for yourself, make up a reason that you can believe so you know it wasnt your fault, you didn't deserve the abuse and it was something wrong with him. If you dream of him still he is probably still on your mind in the day, be kind to yourself and do things that make you happy, you'll be so focused on the good times you're having and the good book or film you're watching that you'll start to forget about him. Maybe do the things you werent allowed to when you were with him but always wanted to do. It's all about self love. I know it's hard and can seem impossible sometimes, but keep telling yourself you're amazing and eventually you'll believe it, and when you love yourself fully you can be happy, and you won't think of him any more, or if you do sometimes it won't bother you. Give it time and love yourself

(bear) Sweetheart it's hard when your relationship breaks down, but you can move forward lovely. What about relationship counselling such as relate? You can have counselling on your own you know....

I feel like a fraud because it has been five hears since we split. During those years I have been fighting to keep my home , dealing with the divorce which be didn't take part in and he sent his creditors in to finish me off. Yes I am free in the sense that I no longer suffer his abuse but these dreams ! They are a kind of self torture. I know there will never be any closure from him as he would gloss over the facts. He has never seen his children since the day he went , now that is something I will never understand. His abuse came in many forms depending on the severity of my crime against him. The worst was the silent treatment that could last up to three weeks at a time so even when I was married I was alone with my thoughts.

When I start writing all this down it doesn't make a good read my brain tells me that he treated me very badly. Its amazing how much damage one person can do to another without a second thought. If I could rid myself of dreams about him then I am sure I would have a chance at moving forward in life. Last nights dream thankfully wasn't about him it was awful for other reasons. I dreamt I had a toddler in a pram and we were shopping before terrorists burst in to the shopping mall firing guns. When I woke up the feelings of sheer panic are still with me. Its no wonder I don't want to go to bed.

The good thing about posting on here is that I can get other peoples perspective on my problems that are making my mental health suffer. Some how I need to put together a coping strategy and don't know how. The only other option is sleeping tablets which I really don't want to take again.

Oh sweetie (bear). A year after I split from my ex husband, I had relationship counselling and it really, really helped. I would completely recommend it. You’re not a fraud at all, you’re grieving and there is no time limit on that.

Definitely not a fraud. I am so glad you got out of that hideous and toxic, damaging relationship.