New here - struggling with negative thoughts

Hi,

I'm new here, never been on anything like this before so sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.

I am really struggling with my thoughts at the moment, and even posting this makes me feel guilty as I know there are so many people in worse positions than me. I have a decent job, an amazing supportive girlfriend, great parents. I've just bought a lovely new house with my girlfriend and yet I can't shake the feelings that I don't deserve it. I'm sitting at work just now and fighting off tears, but no real idea why.

I feel like I make a mess of everything I touch, and I am lazy. I have a small house and make no effort to tidy it, so it's now horrible, but I feel like it's only me there and as though it doesn't really matter because I'm not worth it. I now feel like I'm going to mess up my new place too.

My parents are great, but somehow I feel like I'm letting them down with everything I do. I dropped out of uni, coasted my way through a crappy job for 12 years, now have a bit better job, but we all know if I wasn't so damn lazy I could have done better, I had the grades and intelligence, but never knew what I wanted to do and never applied myself. I am obese too. Despite all this they never get on my back, but deep down I feel sure I'm just a big disappointment to them.

I get upset at work when there's a meeting I'm not involved in, even if I know it's nothing to do with me. I manage to convince myself that not being in the room is because I'm not good enough to contribute anything. Then when I do get involved in a meeting, I just sit there not saying anything, thinking nobody wants to hear from someone like me anyway. When anyone talks to me, or calls for me, I automatically assume it's because I've made a mess of something.

My girlfriend is amazing and I talk to her about how I'm feeling then feel stupid, weak and guilty. She never judges, she always supports me, but now I feel like I need to try to stop burdening her or she's going to realise I'm not worth being with, but she's the only one I've ever told about how I feel when I'm like this.

I read all this back and feel like a spoilt brat for feeling like this when I'm so lucky and have so much going for me, but I don't know how to get on top of the negative thoughts that I'm useless, can't do anything right.

Hi and welcome to DWD. I’m so sorry you’re struggling at the moment. There doesn’t always have to be a reason for feeling like this, sometimes it just is regardless of what’s going on in our lives. You are just as deserving of help and support as anyone else.

Well done for talking to your girlfriend, that’s a big first step. Would you make an appointment with your doctor? It’s important you get the help you need.

Hi and welcome to DWD. You will find a family here who do not judge and have a friendly word for everyone.
Firstly I have a few questions for you. Have you seen your doctor? It's a first stop for anyone who feels like we do.
Are you eating correctly? Boring things like fruit and vegetables are better for us than chocolate and sweets, although carrot sticks will never replace a square of chocolate in my eyes. Lol.
Are you drinking enough water, milk or anything non alcoholic? When the brain dries out it causes us to feel even more depressed.
Do you get any fresh air? Vitamin D is not stored in the body and is called the happy hormone. You get vit D from sunlight.
I'm sorry for all the questions. It's kinda standard for any newbie here.
Looking forward to hearing more about you and getting to know you better.
Welcome to DWD.

Hi and welcome. One thing we don't do here is compare our experiences, if something affects you then it is important.

It's good that you're talking to your gf but I agree with these lovely ladies, it would be best to see your doctor about this.

Hi,

Thanks to you all for your responses.

I've not seen a doctor yet. I've had spells where I've felt like this before, but they've usually passed, this time feels worse and it's been longer.

To answer the other questions:-

I'm eating a reasonably healthy diet, I drink water all day at work. I probably don't get all that much fresh air though

Hi and welcome to the most friendly, supportive and helpful community on the internet! The ladies are right, we never compare. What you are struggling with is important because it's having an effect on you and your life right now. That means it needs addressing and help. That's definitely not weak or you being a spoilt brat or anything else... It's you being human.

The team are right, your next step should really be your Dr so you can get a proper diagnosis and access to help - whether that's meds or talking therapy or both. That's their call - we aren't medically trained so can't tell you what it should be. We can tell you that there is a long wait on the nhs for talking therapy and if you are looking at meds then it can be a bit of trial to see which one suits you best - it's not an exact science.
I would advocate taking your girlfriend with you because she obviously loves you and knows you and can help you to fill in any bits that you may not be able to say... A lot of people write a list or print out their posts from here and take that along with them.

Anyway, it's good to meet you. Have a good look around and join in where you feel comfortable.

Hi,

Nice to meet you. All the things that have been said are great points. We never compare. Its not a competition. I see it more as we are in this together.

I am in no way able to give you a diagnosis. But everything you wrote hits home for me. I have it almost 100% the same. Minus the girlfriend :)

So you are in no way alone in this. There are others going through the same. I have that guilty feeling too. But as you wrote you are fighting back the tears. There should not be guilt involved. Selfcare and love should be there. I know easier said then done.

But try to think of yourself as ok. You manage to work. If you were lazy you would sit at home. Your girlfriend sounds wonderful. And has good taste thats why you are together. You wrote she supports you and is there for you in every way. Give her the chance to keep doing that. If you shut off and dont burden her she will feel that and that might make things worse.

I am writing to many things to fast. Sorry for that.

It is nice to meet you and welcome here.