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I know. When I am ok I do see things in a logical way. But thinking one thing while my feelings drag me into another direction is the problem.
Even now I feel the need to apologize. I get so scared that I offended somebody or said the wrong thing.
I did see I had an email adres of the American. So I sent him an email.
I did read it a few times before sending it. I tend to over explain things...
Maybe I am just no good at social things untill i get therapy.
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If it's any consolation, I hate social things. I feel awkward and out of place and am convinced that I'm being judged. I find it incredibly difficult to talk to strangers, it takes a huge effort for me to do that! It takes me a while to settle when I see my friends in Manchester too.
You will get there lovely (panda)
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I think you will need a rest after telling us your true feelings, but it really helps us to get to know you better. You are doing great, you get up and you get on with things. It's THE hardest thing to do when you are fighting with your own mind.
When you are not around here our family seems incomplete. We love having you around and I for one look forward to seeing a post from you.
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We all say the wrong things in a social situation at times, it's all part of being human and the majority of times an apology isn't necessary, you can speak three languages and from your posts you come across as an extremely nice person. Magie has said it in her post much better than I could.
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Thanks Magie and Mike. I do feel part of the group here. Otherwise I would have run a long time ago. So I am always grateful to be here and enjoy all your compagny.
I went on a few websites to see a discription of the disorder. And I found one thats almost spot on to what i go through when talking to people and trying to be social. I will copy and past it in my next post. So thats from a website. Not my own words but it does sum it up well.
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Cluster C
is comprised of avoidant, dependent, and anankastic personality disorders. People with avoidant PD believe that they are socially inept, unappealing, or inferior, and constantly fear being embarrassed, criticized, or rejected. They avoid meeting others unless they are certain of being liked and are restrained even in their intimate relationships. Avoidant PD is strongly associated with anxiety disorders, and may also be associated with actual or felt rejection by parents or peers in childhood. Research suggests that people with avoidant PD excessively monitor internal reactions, both their own and those of others, which prevents them from engaging naturally or fluently in social situations. A vicious circle takes hold in which the more they monitor their internal reactions, the more inept they feel; and the more inept they feel, the more they monitor their internal reactions.
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One thing when i read something like this is that i feel relief. That I am not alone or a freak. But it does make life so hard. And then my depression amplifies it at times.
Today i went for a meal at my brothers. My mum was there as well. I felt out of place the whole time. And then my brother said that next friday he wants to eat at mums with his new girlfriend. And if i liked to come.
I said no. I am already fragile and i would ruin the evening for everybody. I am happy they know about my troubles so they were cool about it. Plus they are eating something that makes me sick (really). So i said that and that i dont want to eat something different.
So i am not going. I will meet her eventualy. But hopefully when i am a bit better. I dont want the first impression to be the mentaly ill brother.
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You are definitely not a freak! I promise you that...
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You are loved and wanted. Definitely not a freak.