Hi,
I'm Sam, I'm 27 and I suffer with mental health related illnesses. At present I am suffering from depression and anxiety, and it's believed by the NHS that I am exhibiting signs of PTSD.
I've joined because sometimes I feel as if I need more support than I am getting - be it the ability to read about other peoples' issues, advice from those who have been there, or even just the ears of people who don't know me in real life. And I think being here might help that.
A little about what I have been through in the last couple of years - I don't know what the form is for being open on here, but I don't think that joining is going to do me any good if I can't be completely open here about my past.
In May 2017 I was involved in a rather nasty car accident, in what was my pride and joy. I am a motoring journalist with a collection of classics, and this was the only one - the only possession - which mattered to me. I was within the speed limit and had right of way, when someone cut across me in an inadequate gap. I braked and tried to steer, but hit her at about 20mph. The impact bent the roof, spun us about 100 degrees, and wrote off my beloved Montego. My then-girlfriend was in the passenger seat and sustained broken bones in her left foot - injuries for which I held myself responsible as I believed that had I not taken evasive action the accident wouldn't have happened in the way it did. Having felt like I had broken my girlfriend and lost an item of serious importance to me in unpleasant circumstances, my mental state declined. This wasn't helped when I discovered that she had been cheating on me with a friend, taking advantage of my mental state to assure me that I was being paranoid, and playing on my mental state for amusement. I never attempted suicide, but I had the 'accident' planned. I tried cognitive behavioural therapy, but it had seemingly little effect. Over time - and with triggers removed - I found myself levelling out and getting better again.
I wasn't completely clear. Things still had the ability to knock me and put me into dark places, but never as bad, and never with plans of accidents in the night. I was able to cope.
Fast forward to June 2018. Having worked hard and saved, I'd achieved my boyhood ambition. From the age of seven, I'd wanted a Bentley Turbo R, and I'd finally managed to get myself a Mulsanne Turbo (basically the same thing.) Eight days later, having called the AA out to rectify a failure to start, their patrolman's actions blew the car up with me inside it. For those who understand such things, one cylinder had hydraulically locked through overfuelling, and having removed the plugs the AA patrolman isolated the ignition and asked me to crank the engine. The idea was that it would purge the fuel through the plug holes. But removing the king lead from the distributor is not adequate when there is fuel and fuel vapour about. The fireball stretched approximately 25 feet, and I was in the middle of it. My current partner was watching from about 40 feet away. I now feel guilt for putting her in a position where she had to watch that, and for exposing her to that risk. I am also experiencing flashbacks, anxiety attacks, chest pains from the anxiety attacks, and unpleasant thoughts. I have once again self referred to my local NHS therapy services, and I've been placed on a waiting list for EMDR therapy.
My girlfriend is also undergoing a depressive episode at present, and I think that in part the above incident is to blame. But she internalises her problems and won't open up. And right now, when I am feeling especially vulnerable and insecure, I am having trouble coping with that. I'm hoping that as well as my own issues, being a part of this group will help me understand the thought processes of those who internalise their mental health worries, and help me understand precisely where she might be even if she doesn't want to tell me herself.
If anyone's read all that, thank you.
TLDR: I've got issues and I'm here to try to help myself understand them!
