need advice or perspective *su and sh* triggers

Hi all

not sure what im expecting to achieve by posting but feel that there is no one in rl i xan confide in

i am a middle aged man and right now feel like i have failed in life in every way imaginable and struggling to think of how i can ever have a sense of meaning or purpose to justify taking up space for much longer.

Although i used to have work acquaintances i hace never had close friendships, relationships. i would get on with people but i always figured that there eas something erong with me so i couldnt have these things like a mormal perdon. In hindsight i compensated by trying to be productive at work. I changed careers at 30 and spent time travelling and retrained as a teacher. I did ok for 10 years or so although id never say i was a natural more of a grafter.

a couple of years ago i decided to make some changes and moved cities to be closer to my brother and his family and boughtva house in an effort to put down roots as i figured im not getting any yoinger.

Anyway i struggled to adapt to my new school and felt i was doing a rubbish job. It was difficult to confide in new colleagues becaause i hadntvearned their respect and was bring a burden and eventually attempted suicide. This was not sucessful obviously but i was was ultimately dismissed after bring on sick leave for 4 months.

For a while i attempted to apply for all sorts of new jobs from manual labour to administration to call centres and i got a couple of interviews but no job. Each time ive failed i ended up punishing myself eith small overdoses of various antidepressants which made me ill for a few days without everctelling anyone sbout it.

For a while afterwards ivr scraped by doing agencyvjobs none of ehich id flourished at. In my spare time i did lots of little diy jobs because it stopped me feeling totally useless.

I havent got any work though for the last few 3 months. In that time ive had 3 interviews 2 of which were informal chats e.g first stage stuff. Ive not gotten feedback in them but i felt a strong urge to punish myself after the last few
But ibstead of overdosing i ve gone cold turkey from 225mg vebkafaxine. Ive also developed dwntal abcess for rhe last 3 months and done nothing about them because im secretly hope they would go septic. No such luck.

I guess i stopped the antidepressants because the facts are that i have no friends no family or kids of my own and now have no job or any sense of being a contributing member of society and can see no idea about what chanfes to make or how to go about it. I feel completely worthless and ashamed and in between interviews have become more and more reclusive. I cant talk to my family about this as they just put it down to having hard times for a while and cant relate.

I have various means that ive stockpiled to take things further and sometimes feel i should have just done things properly last time around. Its not like i have packed away my belongings yet or made a will but at times i think to myself all my worrying could be over in 5 days or less. Most i could take certain steps then call 999 once it is too late to do anything so my family would not be the ones to find me.

I realise that this sounds bad and i should be seeing my gp about it but then i tell myself that is not going to change things. I feel like a flawed human being who cannot be fixed with my already miserable lonely existence in an unstoppable downward spiral which only i could fixvbut with no clue how to do it:(.

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry you feel so bad.

I'm sure you don't need telling that stopping the venlafaxine like that will make you feel awful, without all of the other stuff you're dealing with. You posting here suggests to me that you do want to get better, so how about you tell us what your expectations are of joining here and what we can do go help lovely? Why do you feel ashamed? Do you have any support at all?

i dont know what i expect to achieve. its just that can be 3 weeks between speaking to people except when i go shopping and i have no one to confide in so mostly its just me with my thoughts. i guess patt of me thinks that antidepressants are supposed to keep you stable to deal with a crisis but it seems like my life has been in a downward spiral for 3 years and i dont know how to stop it or change things.

Why am i ashamed? up to recently i guess i thought i threw myself into work and be useful which at least gave me some sense of worth but after recent events i feel like im no good at my profession either and so am no use to anyone. All I know is that everytime i look in the mirror i despise what i see.

I guess id hoped others may have felt the same and turned things around; i just dont know what to do or where to start to try and fix things or where/who to turn to for advice. I felt like this during my first attempt. I desperately wanted to turn things around but couldnt/ didnt know how. Now i realise that despite therapy i've sought since im in a similar siutation stuck in a downward spiral that iwant to get out of but cant figure out how to. In real life
There is no one to help me with this and i suppose it shows how desperate i am that i ask strangers on the internet for advice. I realise this is selfish and unfair and maybe i shouldn't have posted and i apologise if my post comes across as self centered/pitying.

You never have to apologise for how you feel here and you will always find someone to listen. I've felt the same, down to planning how many tablets would mean I wouldn't wake up again. Things are very different for me now. Yes, ADs are supposed to help but it's possible it wasn't the right medication for you. There are so many out there and it's all trial and error I'm afraid. Have you tried any others apart from venlafaxine? Had you told your GP just how bad you felt/are feeling? Would you consider therapy again? It's possible you would find a different type of therapy beneficial. I've had so much counselling and integrated therapy and always found the integrated therapy worked better for me as it used aspects of CBT too. Go and speak to your GP lovely.

Would you be willing to contact your local MIND? They often run support groups that may help. Have you heard of Andy's Man Club? I've heard some brilliant reports from my local one. They are a support group purely for men, you may find it useful.

The first step to recovery is asking for help lovely. It took a lot of courage to be as open as you have been with a load of strangers. We will be with you every step of the way if you would like us to be.

Hello Walkden and welcome to DWD
The people here are really lovely and full of compassion for others. You will find a home in this forum. I have . I believe undernath that cloud of darkness there is an amazing loving caring fun man . It is so sad this man cant see how amazing he is and how there people out there who care him. I care othewise i would be sleeping right now. You are not pathetic . You are just confused and lost and scared . All need is the right help. Sucide is the biggest killer of men . It is imporant you get help .

I am 22 years old . I dont think you are a failure at all. The problem with the world we live in we are all expected to confirm. We are told from when we are young to go to school, get a job, get married and have kids. If we dont meet that standard then we are made feel like we failed and there is something wrong with us.

Reading your story you have acomplished more than you think. You have travelled the world which is awesome considering threre lots of people who have never left the UK . You have reached middle age there many out there who never made it to your age. You were a teacher thats awesome you have played a role to educate and inspire the next generation. You played a part in that. You should be proud of yourself.

Tell me what do you really love doing? For me i love politics .oh my god i can talk about it all day. I love shoping and filrting with men. I love sight seeing , visiting musems and drinking a lovely cup of tea. Taking pictures of landmark attractions . To combat your loneillness try finding places that do your hobby . Meet like minded people and keep you busy . Lose yourself in the things you love.
Jaquaia suggestion about andys man club is good idea this help you as well.
What are your dreams . Be as crazy as you want and i promise none of us willl laugh at youb. My dreams are crazy. My dream is to see the northen lights in icleand and take pretty pictures. My dream is canoe in the norweign fijords. I want to see freetown christina an anarchist community in demark.

I dont impose my religious beliefs on people but i do believe God put us on earth for a reason . You are here for a reason .

I love to advise you more but i am not your age and i am a female. So i cant really understand issues men your age face.
I pray for you and i hope everthing works out.

You are amazing man who is lost in a cloud of darkness and confusion and the world would be devasted if something were to happen to him. That amazing man is worth finding . You deserve happiness , you deserve love. I hope one day you find a woman of your dreams.
Sucide is the biggest killer of men.
Men are our Fathers, brothers, sons , husbands . We must look out for them. Men must look out for us women. We all need to look out for each other.
I love you and good night
Andrea from London

On the mental health side of things you need to be more vocal with gps telling them this treatment does not work etc. Jaquaia suggestions are great.

Hi Walkden and welcome to DWD.
I'm glad you found us, but sorry it's because you are feeling as bad as you are.

Firstly, please go and see a Dr - even if you print off what you've written here so you don't have to say the words. Get your meds sorted and sort those abscesses - you must be in so much pain.
WRT your meds - right now you are going to be feeling absolutely awful - how long have you been off the venlafaxine?

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions. i've been on venlafaxine for around 16 months or so. Ive only been off them for 3 weeks. Previously id been on sertraline but after a few months i got. aliitte annoyed then obsessed and exasperated with some of the side effects. I was then put on mitrazapine which worked well for sleep but not for weight but the killer was athralgia which got worse and worse so i couldny pull a handbrake or hold a knife properly. eventually igot moved onto venlafaxine by secondary health services.

whilsi i had work i could get by and whilst i knew the situation is not sustainable long term i could put it to the back of my mind while i go therapy etc. I even planned what to do when i ran out of work but it hasnt worked.Now that i am unemployed i tell myself that it is the wrong time of year and things will pick up but i suppose my self esteem is so low and what little i had for years was based on being a "useful" member of society that going for weeks on end with no work makes me feel like i have to confront the fact that ive wasted my life and (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed it up through poor decisions or lack of clear goals or desires and i dont think that any chemical i put in my brain is going to change that.

My abcess' are no longer painful one formed aroundca root canal and the other stopped hurting after a few months. I assumed the infection has killed the tooth.

Ive thought about going back to the gp but i think they will struggle to be effective in the 10 mins they have. Part of me despairs that anything can be done. I need some stability or a plan to turn things around but i dont trust myself. In hindsight every decision i have made for years has made things worse not better.

Maybe not but it's possible that the right medication could get you stable enough for therapy to work and changes to be made. I know that's how it has worked for me.

Can you try to get a double appointment? At least print out what you've put here - at least let them know how you are feeling?

I really empathise with you mate. I suffer with depression and social anxiety and also feel alienated and isolate myself. Wish I had a friend like you in real life I could meet up and chat with.