Don't know where to turn or what to do
I'll try to keep this brief to save a very long post, so forgive bullet points.
Family history of depression including parent, grand parent, sibling.
Suffered from early teens.
Either overwhelming sadness resulting in being able to enjoy anything, or look forward to anything - Christmas, holidays, special events etc.
Or...
Varying levels of social anxiety - not being able to answer the phone or the answer the door, or just hating every second of being at an event unless I'm in a bubble of people I know and trust. Recent Christmas party in work despite my trying my best was hell.
Everyone else seems to be having fun and being relaxed, yet I just want to die, hide and run away.
Married, two kids. Wife supportive but not much help.
Tried Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Venlafaxine, Sertraline and Mirtazapine.
Mirtazapine helped a little with anxiety but didn't touch the depression, plus left me an exhausted, angry and irritable zombie and a nightmare for my kids and wife to live with.
The others had a mild impart on both depression and anxiety with the best probably fluoxetine, however they all give me terrible sexual side effects. Inability to get or feel aroused, achieve orgasm or generally feel/enjoy anything. Like there was a disconnected link in my brain.
I totally get that this is a result of almost all AD medicines.
Here's the problems though.... Sex and sexual enjoyment is absolutely, totally and utterly fundamental to my well being. It;s the one thing in my life I cling on to for some kind of pleasure and release. It's my only 'thing' and to take this away is as bad as the depression.
I'm not one of those people who enjoys sex every few days or once or twice a week - whether with my wife or more often on my own, it's a daily feature of my life and when this was taken away, I fell apart.
I've tried 3 different GPS and none of them are interested, taking the view that "It's just one of those things you'll have to put up with".
Not me.
I've given up taking the SSRI SNRIs etc, etc as they all have the same effect.
What absolutely boils my pi$$ and bounces my valves is that the internet is riddled with happy Americans and Canadians who enjoy Wellbutrin (Bupropion) without sexual side effects, yet it's not available in the UK for depression due to cost.
I've asked for it each and every time and been turned down as they can't and won't prescribe it off label.
I'm at the point of considering buying it off some dodgy Turkish website just to see if it works, but surely that's not the way we treat depression in the UK?
I'm at my whits end, utterly fed up and feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
To those of you who are not sexual beings, or have sexual pleasure as high on their personality make up as me, this post probably will not resonate, but I pray there might be someone out these that can relate to my plight and advise on a route to success.
For the record, achieving and maintaining an erection is not a problem and never has been. The issue is that it might as well belong to someone else, as I can't feel anything and just end up enormously frustrated, unfulfilled and ultimately massively depressed again. i.e viagra is not the answer. A non-sexual side effects inducing AD is the answer, but I'm denied access in the UK.
I've worn out the internet looking for solutions and can only find multiple threads and articles from other Brits who also cannot get access to Wellbutrin.
Best way I can describe it is like amputating the legs of a ballet dancer to treat chronic hip pain. Great, the hip pain is treated, but....
