Hello everyone, Im new here

Hi everyone and thank you already in advance, it's great to know there are people out there who understand :)
I decided to join here and reach out because my partner is suffering from depression and anxiety, and I am not sure how to best support her. We recently moved to the UK and are a bit isolated, especially my wife as she is not working and thus has not made any friends yet.
My wife has been suffering from depression since her teens, and it has gotten worse again in the last few years and I fear she might be heading for another breakdown. This is partially because her health has been declining (progressive genetic disease), but also a log history of depression and anxiety.
She talks to me, which is good, but I am finding myself more and more hopeless myself becase I am not sure how to support her. She has an appointment with a councillor in a few weeks time but it just seems like so far away...
Her family are well meaning but completely counter-productive and if I turned to them I'd make things worse because they'd call her non stop and suffocate her.
Sorry for the long initial post but I tried to summarise the situation as best as possible

Hi and welcome to DWD. It's lovely that you've joined to try to help her - In our relationship it's my husband who has depression/anxiety and so I'm in your shoes so to speak, so I do understand.
Where have you moved from? Have you/has she looked on things like facebook etc for local groups which might help? What about any hobbies she has to get to know others? What's her genetic disease if you don't mind me asking? Maybe a support group? Living with progressive illness is pretty sh(t tbh - I know I am and I know others here who are too and it can take every ounce to hold together the "I'm fine" to others.
Has she seen a GP? If she wanted to, then she could join here too and we have enough private sections that I could allocate you each an area so you could talk privately if wanted/needed..

Hi YellowStarling, living with a person with depression/anxiety isn't easy, I live alone so am not best placed to offer advice, there are other members in a similar position who'll offer excellent advice. It is good that you can discuss it with your partner and are standing by her. You'll find us a very friendly group. Is your partner on any sort of medication?

Hi, Starling, and welcome (hi)

Hi Starling....welcome to the forum.

Hi, an understanding partner is a big positive for someone with depression. Your support may not always seem to be appreciated but it is an important part of journey and you’ll win in the long run.

Thank you all very much, it's really good to be able to write it down for a start and to know that we are not alone with this. We moved from an english speaking country, and she has Cystic Fibrosis, which has gotten worse over the last year, and which is adding to the depression. At the weekend I got quite upset when I found out that she feels like she is disappointing me and that she is useless, which is not how I feel at all.
She has spoken to her hospital staff and the psychologist there, and she is asking for her medication to be reviewed because it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference (fluoxetine,40). I think I will tell her about this site, I just hope she won't think that I went behind her back which I would never do, but maybe writing it down will help her too for a start. Seriosuly, thank you so much for the warm welcome

I sympathise very much with your wife when things are getting worse. There are so many horrible thoughts that keep raising their ugly heads - feeling a burden, being "useless", how fast will things deteriorate, loss of independence just to name a few. My biggest advice is to talk to her. Tell her what's going on in your head and that may be enough for her to feel that she can talk more openly about how she feels.

How long has she been on the Fluoxetine?

Hi Suzi,
I mentioned this site to her and she might also look into it because she doesn't want to feel like this. It is ironic that you mentioned the word "burden", because that is exactly the word that comes up a lot. I think it's great that we can both find a comfortable space here because it might help us a lot on this journey.
She has been on Fluoxetine for years, long before we met each other.

I have degenerative illnesses and it's something that I've always been aware of - each time there is something else that adds in or changes or that I have to find a new way of dealing with it makes me feel more and more like a burden to my husband and my children. I totally get that's how she feels.
If she's been on the same meds at the same dose for a while then it might need adjusting.
I think it's awesome that you two are talking about this and that you obviously love her so very much!

I don't like the word burden! If two people love and care about each others well being and one of them is struggling then I prefer to look at it as a challenge that both parties will deal with and overcome together. It's great that you're so close.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Flo

I don't like the word burden! If two people love and care about each others well being and one of them is struggling then I prefer to look at it as a challenge that both parties will deal with and overcome together. It's great that you're so close.

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You're so right. Marc and I work together - he does the physical stuff I struggle with and I help him with the things he finds tough.. Together we make an awesome person! (rofl)(rofl)

I couldn't have put that better myself suzi!..2 of these -- make a +(giggle)

I don’t like the word “burden” either, probably also because I just don’t see my wife that way at all and because I have always known her this way, so for me this is normal. Sadly she/ illness have been referred to as such by her family which has shaped the way she sees herself. I understand where it is coming from but it makes me resentful thinking how much worse thoughtless words can make things

Quote:

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Originally Posted by YellowStarling

I don’t like the word “burden” either, probably also because I just don’t see my wife that way at all and because I have always known her this way, so for me this is normal. Sadly she/ illness have been referred to as such by her family which has shaped the way she sees herself. I understand where it is coming from but it makes me resentful thinking how much worse thoughtless words can make things

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I agree entirely! Lack of knowledge and tact can do so much damage. Thank goodness she can rely on you for love and support. And at the end of the day that's all that matters!

She sounds like a lovely lady. I wasn't believed by my parents for years when my illnesses started and it's only recently (last 5 years) since my Mum has had pain that she's now the fount of all knowledge and understands everything... But yes for years it was "oh your poor children growing up with you and your illnesses and Marc and his..." So hurtful and damaging and just feeds the guilt we both have every day.... However my children are amazing and very grounded and realistic and compassionate so I think we've done OK so far!

How is your wife today? How are you?

I hate words like burden and so does my husband - he tells me off if I say things like that. I know not everybody is interested in the Bible but one verse I love, which says it all for me - Christian or not - is Ephesians 5:28 ‘husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies’. Respect, care, love, they shouldn’t disappear because someone’s ill

Thank you very much. I think she has been feeling a bit better in the last few days, but I hope it is not driven by a bad conscience. At the weekend we had had a talk and I told her that I found it a bit difficult to deal with everything at the moment and she got upset about it, so I hope the rush of energy is not down to this. Either way there have been a few moments when she just burst out laughing about stupid things so I take it as a good sign. I have definitely been feeling more hopeful since reading your replies. It encouraged me to talk to 2 people (my boss and a close friend) because I usually keep everything to myself. I hope that you are all getting an well too, and that you arent in a hopeless place.
@Suzi: it sounds very tough, but I understand. I have noticed that there are so many people who are unable to empathise or even to see a situation from a different perspective. It's so good that your immediate family is different though and that you understand each other.

I'm so glad you guys are talking. I can't tell you how important that is!

Well the talking has become more difficult really. The last few days have been mainly about how hopeless and pointless everything is, and how she doesnt have a purpose. I am really waiting for next week's appointment with the psychiatrist because I am really running out of things to say (since nothing makes a difference and is every idea is rejected). It turns out that I should have kept this forum and talking to a friend to myself, because now she feels confirmed that she is dragging me down...I think I will keep things to myself now because every word can cause her to feel worse.I know it's not her but the depression twisting everything into something negative but its hard to stay positive sometimes. I am not expecting a response because I am sure you have all been there, but I think I just needed to write it down because it's getting to me

When she’s as low as she is, you might find that she responds better to ‘I love you, I’m here for you’, rather than you trying to find a solution to all this. When you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, it feels like there’s no point in even thinking of a way out.

Have you told her that you love her, you want to be there with her to help her fight this together? Does she think that this is a place of doom and gloom? I like to think of this as a positive place and a place where friendships form too....

This is definitely a place where we can have a laugh and a giggle as well as discuss more serious stuff and has helped me no end.

Just tell her you love her and are there for her.

Of course I have told her that I love her (every day), and also that we are going to get this all fine together. She is worried that she will not find any friends if she isn’t working, as people will judge you for it which I guess they do. In the last couple off days she has been stressing a lot and trying to find jobs and didn’t get any positive feedback, which is why I tried to suggest different approaches. I told her that I don’t expect her to work and that it’s something she needs to do/ decide for herself (we are ok money wise), but a few stupid people’s comments have made her anxious about how she is seen. I feel that I need to help her because she is so distraught and I think we came up with a good plan but everything is so hard

I love that you're being so loving and supportive! I also know how hard that role is, so remember to be kind to yourself too...

There will be good and bad days I guess. Thank you all for your kind words, and helping me when I felt hopeless myself. Things have been better in the last week and I hope you are all keeping well, too. I just logged on to wish you a nice day because you are a great little group here :)

Glad things are going OK atm! Long may it last!

Thanks for keeping us up to date. I hope things continue to get better :)

Thanks for the heads up, I'm glad you've had a better week and long may it be so.