Spiteful sibling causing low mood *TRIGGERS*

Hi everyone,

I have a long history of varying degrees of depression and a long term difficult relationship with my older sister. I am the youngest of 3 and she is the youngest sister.

Basically the upshot is that she often says spiteful barbs to me, completely unsolicited and uncalled for. I'm not sure how to handle it. In the past I have not had face to face contact with her for months then finally reconciled with her. I have indicated to her my dislike of certain areas of criticism. I believe she is pretty unhappy and insecure and lashes out as a kind of schadenfreude to make herself feel better.

I am in depression recovery, volunteer and do odd jobs for some income. Her criticisms are usually around money. I supposed to take my nephew to a football match next week, and she says to me I'm not a responsible adult because I don't have a mortgage or a regular job.

This may not sound like much but when one has a history of depression and being of a sensitive personality, I find it pretty upsetting and it has caused a dip in mood and some anxiety. It undermines my self esteem and I find it very spiteful. I wish I wasn't so sensitive but I am. I consider it emotional abuse.

I don't really no how to deal with it. Any comments? Thanks. Feeling low tonight..

Matt

I'd find that upsetting too! Have you been able to talk to her and tell her how it makes you feel?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

I'd find that upsetting too! Have you been able to talk to her and tell her how it makes you feel?

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Hi Suzy, hope you're well, thanks for the reply.

Yes I've told her about the spiteful and mean consequences many may times before. She just tries to deflect and distract and never takes accountability. To suggest I'm not responsible enough to take my nephew to a football match is beyond vicious.

I think she has a deep seated bitterness towards me as I was the baby of the family and got attention that she had before I arrived. My point is she's a grown woman and I expect to treated the way I treat others. I'm always pleasant with her. I've had to have no contact with her for months at a time because of her abusive behavior. Pretty toxic, she's selfish too.

Unfortunately I am one of those people in life who is pretty sensitive to barbed comments, especially from family members. I'd prefer a punch in the mouth tbh. Its also the anniversary of our parents bereavement this week which doesn't help,

Guess I can only keep her at arms length.

Take care

I'm sorry about the anniversary, those are so painful...

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Originally Posted by Suzi

I'm sorry about the anniversary, those are so painful...

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Thank you(bear)

What do you think a strategy I should adopt with this criticising sister?

Hi and welcome
Am sorry for the bereavement
Blank her when she criticises you only ever respond to her when she is acting decently to you, if she asks you why tell her that when she can speak to you properly with some common decency then you will respond and leave that there may be a way to start but you know your sister and how she would react to that

Actually I'd tell her how painful her comments were and state that you not having a mortgage doesn't make you any less of an adult - I don't have a mortgage, but I have a husband, 3 teenage children (including one who is now 18!) 2 dogs and a new foster one who arrived at 330 this morning..... But I'm not feeling very charitable or tactful....

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Originally Posted by Angie

Hi and welcome
Am sorry for the bereavement
Blank her when she criticises you only ever respond to her when she is acting decently to you, if she asks you why tell her that when she can speak to you properly with some common decency then you will respond and leave that there may be a way to start but you know your sister and how she would react to that

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Thanks Angie and Suzy. Of course you're damn right with your comments and I appreciate the input.

I usually do give her a wide berth from devious experience as she likes to demean and make me feel worthless on occasion. It's unpredictable though and she can be okay for months but there's something bubbling under the surface. I've been very clear with her in communicating my red lines.

I am a responsible adult, use to be at work/University. Indeed the bereavement is 10 year anniversary of my mother who had cancer I was carer for for years. Looking after an I'll person is very responsible. That's why I'm particularly sensitive ATM. I had a full on panic attack today, nearly rang 101 but am just going to meditate and deal withe issues methodically

Very grateful for your time.(handshake)

M

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Originally Posted by Mattypompy

Thanks Angie and Suzi. Of course you're damn right with your comments and I appreciate the input.

I usually do give her a wide berth from devious experience as she likes to demean and make me feel worthless on occasion. It's unpredictable though, and she can be okay for months but there's something bubbling under the surface. I've been very clear with her in communicating my red lines.

I am a responsible adult, used to be at work/University. Indeed the bereavement is 10 year anniversary of my mother who had cancer I was carer for for years. Looking after an Ill person is very responsible. That's why I'm particularly sensitive ATM. I had a full on panic attack today, nearly rang 101 but am just going to meditate and deal withe issues methodically

Very grateful for your time.(handshake)

M

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Typo corrections, couldn't find the edit button.

Well done for getting yourself through the panic attack, and with using your coping mechanisms

It's over 10 years I lost my Dad and I know how much I still feel that loss and I wasn't his main carer so I totally understand how bereavement is still so definite. Have you ever had bereavement therapy?

Sounds to me Matt as if your sister is quite insecure and a little jealous for some reason. Might be because you're doing the things you like to do and are getting along fine. So basically, she has the problem not you! Try and let it wash over you as hard as this might be. I'd also give her a wide berth when you can. The old saying is true...you can choose your friends but not your relatives!.. don't let things get in the way of you getting well. You're doing ok. Myself and my brother had a relationship like yours. He's passed on now but we didn't see each other for 13 years once! Keep doing what you're doing and enjoy life...and the football match with your nephew.

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Originally Posted by Suzi

It's over 10 years I lost my Dad and I know how much I still feel that loss and I wasn't his main carer so I totally understand how bereavement is still so definite. Have you ever had bereavement therapy?

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Hi Suzi,

Yes I have had bereavement counselling on a number of occasions. I lost my dad just a few years later in a freak accident. I used a local charity, private and NHS. They were all wonderful and life savers. I had a lot of misguided guilt etc as is common in grief.

This 10th anniversary, she died on Friday 13th, just reawakens memories that have been suppressed and it's surprising how quickly one can deteriorate. As I know you guys know, it's a wound that never fully heals when you're very close to someone and have seen their suffering. I use ACT and mindfulness.

I just didn't need her spitefully belittling me at that moment. Tbh, I think she may be narcissistic.

Maybe she is struggling with it too and just doesn't know how to deal with it? It's no excuse though....

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Originally Posted by Flo

Sounds to me Matt as if your sister is quite insecure and a little jealous for some reason. Might be because you're doing the things you like to do and are getting along fine. So basically, she has the problem not you! Try and let it wash over you as hard as this might be. I'd also give her a wide berth when you can. The old saying is true...you can choose your friends but not your relatives!.. don't let things get in the way of you getting well. You're doing ok. Myself and my brother had a relationship like yours. He's passed on now but we didn't see each other for 13 years once! Keep doing what you're doing and enjoy life...and the football match with your nephew.

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Thanks Flo you're a star from the heavens! You're right, you have to protect your health otherwise you're not useful to anyone and can plunge quickly. Really appreciate your words! But she spots a psychological vulnerability and attacks it in a passive aggressive way. Like I said above, think she has narcissistic tendencies. Most of her close mates in her life fall out with her eventually. But enough about her!

Take care all you angels!(y)(bear)

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Maybe she is struggling with it too and just doesn't know how to deal with it? It's no excuse though....

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She's a very closed book but had a turbulent relationship with my mother. I really have no clue how she feels about it but like you say, doesn't justify sustained belittling. She used to be pretty hostile and intolerant to my mum too.

Take care

Can you bypass her? As in, if your nephew has a phone could you text/call him and them get him to deal wiht your sister and asking her rather than you having to deal with that?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

Can you bypass her? As in, if your nephew has a phone could you text/call him and them get him to deal wiht your sister and asking her rather than you having to deal with that?

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Good suggestion. In the end it turned out reasonably well and quite paradoxical. My difficult sister was reasonably well behaved, apart from some little anger outbursts. I'm utilising a new method of PET (try not to take things Personally, don't Engage in argument and Tune out to any mutterings) She can't argue with herself but she knows my vulnerabilities. In conjunction with giving a wide birth and building up my self esteem I think it's a positive work in progress.

The paradoxical thing was my nephew was I'll and I went to the Spurs game on my own to use the tickets!

With releasing the memory balloon of Brighton pier in the sunshine it was a successful day. I hate lability and anticipatory anxiety.

Thanks for all the support folks and be well.

M(bear)

Glad it was a successful day lovely x

That’s really good to hear :)

Just wanted to extend my thanks and gratitude to you guys for replying. Be well.(angel)

M

How are you lovely?

Hi everyone,

Hope you're well

Just an update. I had another meeting with my sisters yesterday to mark my parent's passing at a local spot.

Unfortunately, my sister became aggressive, rude and nasty again, criticising me for effectively being unwell. Started mocking me for not working full time and even for yawning! I've got bad sleep apnea and had bad low back pain for a few days. We were drinking and I said a couple of things that I'd preferred I hadn't but after she provoked me. Now she's trying to gaslight me by saying she'll overlook what I said as I upset her! Pots and kettles.

Now feeling pretty down and low self esteem again:(

Take care Matt

(panda). What did your other siblings say?

I'm sorry lovely... Anniversaries are hard enough, without this kind of behaviour too...