Living nightmare- Trigger Warning

Hi, my name is Lucy, I'm an arts student at uca canterbury, I also work at Sainsburys and gse group as an accounts assistant. My boyfriend recently left me and my family don't seem to care that much. I moved out of my mother's as she kicked me out to sell the house, moved into my nan's, she is very particular and everything has to be done a certain way and she would move and break my stuff randomly when I wasn't in. Mum said that because my nan is manic I had to move out, I had come off my motorcycle and broke my leg and dislocated my shoulder, so I had to look for flats alone on crutches and a walking boot. My ex has plans of moving to Japan and he is studying English with the OU and working full time at eurotunnel. I told him early on I wanted a kid eventually, not then but so he knew what I wanted, I knew about moving to Japan. He decided a year later he didn't want kids at all and recently decided he wants a vasectomy and for me to get sterilized or never to have sex again and then said actually he didn't love me and never really had it was just limerance. I talked to him about everything as I had no-one else and with him with me I wasn't healed magically but I could get through each day and was often happy. Now I have no-one, I live with my rabbit, my housemate won't pay her share of the bills or pay for her share of the internet bill. It seems everything is on me. I have an assessment this Friday at uni and don't k ow if I'll pass because I can't do any work outside of uni generally speaking. I am never inspired. My ex says I would be happy as I have my own place, got away from controlling family, I'm at uni, I have 2 jobs, I can save, but none of that matters to me because I am alone, and feel that love doesn't exist, happiness doesn't exist, you just get through and buy things like houses and pets and cars and bikes to try and fill the hole, but will never truly be happy. I've gone to my gp, am on meds, see a councillor, talk to friends, talk to the helplines, I have tried every suggestion I could find but everything is just washed out and grey and I'm just getting worse. My friends say even sectioning doesn't help you they just lock you in a room and give you drugs and CBT which doesn't work for me but it's the only thing available. It seems I'm a lost cause. Like a terminal cancer patient, no-one can cure me, I'm just waiting for it to kill me. I struggle to get up every day because my life is my own personal hell, if anyone has seen the first episode of season 4 of black mirror, it's exactly like that. Can anyone help..

Hi and welcome to DWD. Sweetheart you don't have to deal with anything alone.
How long have you been on meds? Which ones are you on?
Have you spoken to your tutor and explained that you are struggling right now? Maybe ask for an extension?

Um on and off for 4 years or so now, Citalopram 20mg I have spoken to my tutor, my councillor is at uni too, tutor said that she thought that I had enough work so I didn't bother with flagging up my issues and putting the assessment back, it's on Friday so don't think I can now anyway, just got to hope I can pass

*can't

Did you specifically tell your tutor you were struggling? You really need to, lovely, and it won’t be the first time she’s needed to support someone through this

What about student services? There are people there to help. Look here, there are loads of options: http://www.uca.ac.uk/student-services/

Hey there,

Things sound really overwhelming for you just now. But things can and will get better, I promise.

Could you try taking some time out for you and breaking down the problems in order of which ones are affecting you most? Then you will be able to prioritise what you can overcome first.

For example,

Already, you have overcome the stress of finding somewhere to live. Do you feel able to express the necessity of your roommate stepping up? That's really not fair of them. Could a tutor or one of your friends be with you when you tell her if you think that would help you of course.

I'm sorry to hear about your leg. How is it healing? It's really important that you take time for YOU to rest and do things you enjoy. I haven't watched Black Mirror, but whilst you're feeling low could you watch comedies and more lighthearted stuff that will only ever boost your mood?

Really sorry to hear about your relationship not working out, but if you wanted different things then perhaps it was best to find out sooner rather than later on in the relationship? Is it unhelpful to you keeping in touch with your ex? If so then maybe limit contact or stop contact? You know what's best for you.

Keep being open with your tutors. They are there to help and guide you. Do you think it's a bit much with the two jobs and uni and all this emotional stress? Could you limit the stress by reducing your hours or just having one job? You will have more time to just breathe when your stresses are limited.

It's a positive that you do have friends around you. Have you shared how you're feeling with them?

You said you've been feeling alone. Are there any different societies or clubs you could join at uni to meet new people and take your mind off things?

Stick with the therapy and pop to see your GP again.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you xx

I have told her I'm struggling, we had a meeting

I have told her repeatedly, landlord knows too. She gave me some money for the internet so that's something. It's healing okay but I haven't gone to physio appointments in months because no time. I don't know, I still love him and don't see that ever changing. I watch a range of things on Netflix but I'll try comedy see if it helps.
Not really, it's a small uni, we don't really seem to have them. I signed up but never heard back from them so am not sure they exist. I'll try as I have 9 sessions I'm allowed, though it hasn't been helping so far

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dark_Baphomet

Hi, my name is Lucy, I'm an arts student at uca canterbury, I also work at Sainsburys and gse group as an accounts assistant. My boyfriend recently left me and my family don't seem to care that much. I moved out of my mother's as she kicked me out to sell the house, moved into my nan's, she is very particular and everything has to be done a certain way and she would move and break my stuff randomly when I wasn't in. Mum said that because my nan is manic I had to move out, I had come off my motorcycle and broke my leg and dislocated my shoulder, so I had to look for flats alone on crutches and a walking boot. My ex has plans of moving to Japan and he is studying English with the OU and working full time at eurotunnel. I told him early on I wanted a kid eventually, not then but so he knew what I wanted, I knew about moving to Japan. He decided a year later he didn't want kids at all and recently decided he wants a vasectomy and for me to get sterilized or never to have sex again and then said actually he didn't love me and never really had it was just limerance. I talked to him about everything as I had no-one else and with him with me I wasn't healed magically but I could get through each day and was often happy. Now I have no-one, I live with my rabbit, my housemate won't pay her share of the bills or pay for her share of the internet bill. It seems everything is on me. I have an assessment this Friday at uni and don't k ow if I'll pass because I can't do any work outside of uni generally speaking. I am never inspired. My ex says I would be happy as I have my own place, got away from controlling family, I'm at uni, I have 2 jobs, I can save, but none of that matters to me because I am alone, and feel that love doesn't exist, happiness doesn't exist, you just get through and buy things like houses and pets and cars and bikes to try and fill the hole, but will never truly be happy. I've gone to my gp, am on meds, see a councillor, talk to friends, talk to the helplines, I have tried every suggestion I could find but everything is just washed out and grey and I'm just getting worse. My friends say even sectioning doesn't help you they just lock you in a room and give you drugs and CBT which doesn't work for me but it's the only thing available. It seems I'm a lost cause. Like a terminal cancer patient, no-one can cure me, I'm just waiting for it to kill me. I struggle to get up every day because my life is my own personal hell, if anyone has seen the first episode of season 4 of black mirror, it's exactly like that. Can anyone help..

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I do have a cure but you wont like it and DWD will probably boot me off

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dark_Baphomet

I have told her repeatedly, landlord knows too. She gave me some money for the internet so that's something. It's healing okay but I haven't gone to physio appointments in months because no time. I don't know, I still love him and don't see that ever changing. I watch a range of things on Netflix but I'll try comedy see if it helps.
Not really, it's a small uni, we don't really seem to have them. I signed up but never heard back from them so am not sure they exist. I'll try as I have 9 sessions I'm allowed, though it hasn't been helping so far

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If you don't go to physio then you won't get the help you need for your leg.
Why are you so short on time?

You really need to make time for YOU. Suzi is totally right in saying that you need the physio. Poor physical health a pain will affect your mental health and mood too.

Be persistent with your roommate. It's a relief that your landlord is aware of the situation because then at least he knows you are paying your way and that it's her who is in the wrong and not you. This should take some pressure off you, yeah?

I don't know much about romantic relationships, but I do know that if something isn't meant to be it's always better to find out sooner rather than letting things go on much further. I also know that time heals and getting over a relationship break up is a process, so do be kind to yourself.

Definitely try again with the societies! Do they have a number you could phone instead? Are any of your friends involved in different societies and clubs in and around university? Perhaps you could go along with them. If there isn't much going on within the university, how about at the local gym/leisure centre, library and town? Worth a look.

I would definitely utilise the sessions you've been allocated. When do they start? Off loading to a trained therapist might just be a bug help in itself.

Take care of yourself. I hope some of this helps.

Em xx

*A big help. I have no idea what a 'bug' help is but is sounds super! Haha! (giggle)

What do you mean

I work 3 days and have uni 3 days a week, the last day is an open workshop day at uni and for uni work

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ezra A Adams

I do have a cure but you wont like it and DWD will probably boot me off

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What do you mean

Ezra Adams - what do you mean that you have a cure?

Dark B - Sweetheart you need to prioritise your health lovely. You need to make the time - you might need to take an hour out of work to get to the drs, then do it.

Could you drop to working 2 days instead of 3? Everyone needs at least one day off. X

One of my workplaces is saying I'll soon have to work 3 days instead of 2, so after uni one day as well, dunno how to do it or how to cut my hours down because I need to save money so I'm not worrying about that too.. catch 22 it seems

I've got a hospital appointment Thursday at the same place so I'll book in then for a physio appointment. I made myself roast dinner if that counts as self care :P I try buying myself nice things and making myself nice food and having lomg showers but I just seem to feel the same regardless. I mean everything is better with tacos but when the tacos are gone I feel the same as I did before, I try to pick myself up and I keep falling back down the rabbit hole, everyone says it will take time but I'm not sure how much more time I can stand, my life seems to have been hell from the age of 7 and if I have a good point it doesn't last and seems like someone is just taunting me with the good times to give me false hope to go on and it feels like being tortured, like there is something in me that wants to hope but I think what I'm hoping for will just be the same, some game played by whoever is controlling my life to make me miserable and feel immense pain, cause if you lose hope the tortury stuff doesn't work because you just accept that it's better to die and then if there is some sadistic god doing this they have no control over you. If there is a god and an afterlife I'll punch him in the face. I do not want to spend eternity with my torturer thankyou

ARe you working the two jobs because you are struggling financially?

No, so that I don't have to struggle financially

But could you cope with just one job? Is the sacrifice to your mental health worth the extra job?

Can you not apply for financial help if you need it rather than hurting your own mental health..

Nobody and no God would ever want to torture or punish you, hun. You are worth so much and deserve happiness, good health and all the support you need. (panda)

I agree with Suzi, check into student finances. Could any of your family help with finances?

Is it because of your roommate not paying up that you're struggling financially?

Could you work more hours on one of the days instead so that you at least get one day to yourself?

Hope everything goes well at physio this week. Hope you're okay. Things can and will get better.

Take care xx

Thanks. Maybe when I have my motorbike I might be able to cut down on work but at the moment it's costing me £130 a month in travel costs, along with food, like £100 And bills like £60ish and housemate puts an extra maybe £20 if I'm lucky, then dailies contact lenses, art supplies, pills extra travel, uni costs, rent blah blah blah. If I cut to one job now basically I'd be scraping by, and when I broke my leg I found out how depressing that can be, so I think working myself to death us the better option if the two at the moment. Going to talk to a manager and see if I can transfer to a Canterbury store so it's less travel time and look for something nicer in town, cause working in a superstore isn't exactly doing wonders for my health

And family technically yes but it would just be a reason for my mother to guilt trip me and make me feel bad later so only if I'm absolutely desperate because I'm like an abuse whore, she gives me money so it gives her the right to be abusive and I can't complain because I owe her. Life is just great fun in my experience lol ��

But working the way you are right now isn't giving you any quality of life at all.

Are there other ways you can cut back on your costs? Would moving help?

Hey!

Suzi's made a great point. If the travelling, hours, costs and the actual job itself aren't helping your health then...

Travel is clearly the biggest expense you could reduce. Any local shops, bars or cafes etc. within walking distance of where you live that you could hand some CVs into? I've worked I'm catering and from my experience, food places are aaaaalways looking for staff. You'll even get tips if you try waitressing!

Paula made a good point about moving. Do you live far from the university, too? You could look for somewhere with lower rent and less travel costs required plus you'll be able to share with a different paying roommate! Might be something to explore.

It would be good if your manager could arrange for you to change stores, too.

Sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your mother.

Hope you're doing okay today.

Em x

I moved so I'm 15 mins walk from uni which is the most important thing. And have bad experience in waitressing, got blamed for everything and too stressful for mental health. My bike should lower travel to like £20 a month. Rent is only £360 So nothing cheaper really. Planning on getting a place with someone from uni for next year as landlord is selling this one and housemate is a pain

You have good plans lovely.
Have you spoken to uni about how you are feeling and that you're finding it tough?

Sounds like lots of positives there then.

Okay, maybe not waitressing then! Come to think of it, I was honestly the crappest waitress going! I look about 12 so nobody takes me seriously, I am too small to carry five billion plates at a time (how do they do that?!), I don't drink so know nothing about a wine menu and I have a quiet voice which isn't great for party tables, trust me haha! So yeah, give that one a miss and look into moving stores as you said or finding a job in a smaller, less stressful shop maybe? That's positive to see you're putting your mental health first. :)

P.S. You mentioned in your first post about the first episode of season 4 of Black Mirror....

I started watching Black Mirror on Netflix tonight and thought I'd pressed episode one of series one obviously, but had selected ep 1 of series 4. Im being a bit random here I know, but it was a great show!

Take care x

I was a waitress for years! I was also the only one to be given the staff t-shirt - which happened to have the pub emblem on one boob. I have very large boobs. I was always asked "what's the other one called...." Wasn't funny the first or millionth time I was asked!

Hahahaha! (giggle) x