If loved could ever be obtained. Would I be alive?
Time is said to cure all sadness, however I feel as though i’m drowning in disapproval and lustful hope. However I feel won’t change the outcome to the possibility of my happiness.
If true love exists, then why has god forsaken me to not having found it at age 21. I’m the ‘exciting’ age next week, however I feel lost and as though I haven’t lived what I have forever wished for.
Unfortunately, love and friendship seems to halt and my desire to carry on living diminishes. This is starting to sound like a suicide letter, it is but it’s not an indication of me wanting to die. Far from it.
There are so many experiences I haven’t experienced. My main one is intimacy, with the special someone who would feel and care about me, more than I care about them.
The inspiration for typing this ‘novel’ was brought by watching Letters to Juliet. I watch it every summer, every year. It gives me a look into what true love is, and I feel its power while watching it. I believe the protagonist Sophie is an INFJ like me — this is MBTI lingo, look for it on Google.
But moving on, I have never been kissed and it’s painful to acknowledge that I have failed to retrieve someone else’s passion to include me into their heart and soul. They say that the INFJ tries to break the heart of the most vicious tyrants, and this comes into our strength in approving of all types of personalities people may obtain, apart from the selfish and those who purposefully hurt another.
Each time i’ve been in love has ended with the other disapproving of my appearance, but at-least never of my personality. I can be a golden heart who only wants to care about others, more than myself. However, when i’m hurt and full of distrust, I become the most selfish person on earth, hating the world and everyone in it whose managed to achieve the feeling of intimate love.
I don’t like being gay, it’s hard. From my experience of it anyway. Social Media has ripped the passion and desire for its community, which is to search for a friend and soulmate instead of wanting just sex. I would be much happier straight, I would know the right path. Marry, have kids and die old. However being gay it feels as though it’s swipe left or right after you’re tired of the current date-mate.
I’m going to keep writing as this comforts me. And for anyone out there who may feel the same way; in any way. I hope my words allow you to realise that even though it may seem your life is alone, it isn’t. I know what it’s like to be alone for 21 years without a significant other. And the lack of validation we hunger for due to an average appearance and quite personality. Trust me I make the effort to make friends, but my self esteem has suffered, making me question constantly if i’m annoying the person that i’m speaking to. How could anyone like me. I have no friends right now, so this makes me question its truth
I lack energy in social situations, and I wish I could flick a switch to fix this. I wish I was extroverted, as this world is catered for it.
There are many 20+ year olds who have never been in relationships, and I would love to meet every one of them. I feel out of place with those who have had many experiences, as it seems to be what people talk about the most. I don’t feel like an adult, far from it. I had a vision when I was little that I would be much more confident, slimmer and busy with friends at my age, just like those of who I looked up to.
I hunger for love, more than anything and it’s awful. It makes me sound weak and dependant, to be honest I am. I lack huge social intimacy, INFJs tend to struggle with getting what they give to others, in return for something as deep and as meaningful in social conversations.
Those on the internet will say the following advice (my responses):
- You’ll find the one when you least expect it. (What?)
- You don’t need anyone to define you. (I know, but what’s your point, this hasn’t made me feel better at all and you’re probably IN a relationship or don’t care for one right now.)
- It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. (Great... but at-least you had someone who gave you their time to be with you, if not then you should know not to give me advice like this.)
- You have to love yourself first. (Of course I do, and I do care for myself. I know that I deserve happiness, but this doesn’t change the fact that I feel the way I do.)
- You have to put the effort it. (Wow... no way really? I’m cured of pain forever).
- Just be patient. (Lol ok would you say that to me, if you were me. No.)
That’s all I have for now, I hope you read all the way through and thank-you.
