Newbie and my story

Hi everyone...my name is Jill. I'm 48 and from Minnesota, and I have a lot going on right now.

Of course, I have depression...that's why I'm here. I also suffer from anxiety, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and diabetes. I don't take care of myself the way I should, but as we all know, depression is very good at helping that along.

I have a 90-year-old father in assisted living who's declining cognitively. He lives close by and my sister and I take care of him as well as my daughter works there as an aide.

I quit my job over a year ago due to debilitating anxiety and lived off of my dad's money - I reside in our family home - but finally realized I needed to step up and become employed, so I started a new job working from home as a transcriptionist two weeks ago. The job itself is great, but I'm already finding trouble concentrating and staying on task at the end of my second week and have had to "call in sick" to deal with my anxiety and focus.

I met a man online over 20 years ago and we kept in touch all this time. Finally, back in October, I flew down to Texas to meet him in person for the first time. It was great, and I've been back there 3 times since. However, we've been arguing since I got back about some things he had concerns about during my visit, and we haven't spoken in over a week.

I have a very small social circle. It's just my dad, sister, and daughter (age 26) in my family, and most of my friends are on Facebook. Recently, one of my best friends there has gone AWOL and isn't on Messenger or FB, and I'm worried about her as well. She was my sounding board on a lot of my stress, and I miss her.

I started smoking as a goof when I was in Texas just to get that little high...but since January, I've started up full speed. I use it for stress relief, but I hate it really and I know how bad it is for me. No one really knows about it, and I do a good job of hiding it.

As you can see, a lot of things I listed are not under my control, but I continue to ruminate over them daily and nightly. That's my story. I hope to find some advice and support from this group. Feel free to ask me anything -- I'm an open book.

Thanks for listening.

Jill

Hey Jill and welcome to DWD. It's great to see you've found your way here, everyone is really lovely and supportive.
Smoking? What are you smoking?
Sweetheart you sound like you've got so much going on right now. Have you spoken to your Dr about how you are feeling at all? Are you on meds? What did you and your partner argue about?

Hi Jill, it’s lovely to see you here (hi). What a lot to deal with, lovely (bear).

What is about work that you’re struggling with? Could you change your hours around to help with concentration, maybe by putting more or longer rest periods in? Eg work for an hour, rest for half hour, that sort of thing?

I’m sorry your friend isn’t around, do you have any other way of contacting her? Do you have mutual friends that can get in touch?

Suzi - Thank you!! Cigarettes, plan ol stinky cigarettes. I have not been to my therapist in a while, so that's definitely on the agenda to do. I am taking an antidepressant as well as Klonopin for my anxiety. Long story about my partner, but he had some issues about me not pitching in when I was down there last time and texted me to tell me a few days after I got back. I responded in a defensive manner and he took it very personally. I'd rather talk on the phone so that tone and intent are better understood, but he insists on texting, which I just don't like.

Paula - Thank you as well!! Work itself is decent; it's my mind that keeps replaying all these things and I'm having so much difficulty concentrating on the work. It's very important that I don't make mistakes, so I have to be on point. I have been taking breaks as much as needed - thankfully, it's a very flexible gig - but there are times that I just can't do it. This is the problem I ran into with my previous job. I have hope, though, that I can do it once I put my mind to it. I did email my friend but she didn't respond to that, either. I asked another friend if she'd heard from her, but she hadn't.

Plain old cigarettes isn't great, but as an ex smoker I'm not judging you at all! If you want to talk and he wants to text have you asked him why?