I want to smile again for real *TRIGGERS*

Good morning

Even logging on here and beginning to put down what I am feeling feels completely self indulgent.
2 years now I can't shake this thing that was initially diagnosed as stress induced depression. I am lucky that I have private health but question their motives as I don't seem to be getting better. Without boring you all with my history I have realised recently that I just get no joy anymore In anything i do and I don't know how to even begin changing that. I feel guilt 100%of the time and a complete waste of space and time. I really don't know whe to turn. I'm on max pills I can be and was very successful and amazing family etc. I smile and I'm fine to everyone but inside I'm dead almost and feel there's nothing left. I just don't want to leave my kids with the pain of a suicide. I feel completely alone as this disease is so selfish and invisible. I used to be such a fun person with a real desire for life and to live and now every smile is fake every laugh is hollow ...I hate this feeling and don't know where to begin or how to change it...maybe someone here has or is feeling the same ...I apologise in advance because I am very privileged because I was successful at work so don't have the pressures of money worries so there will be so many out the re e in a worse position than me but I'm hoping I may get some help out there. Thank you nick

Hi and welcome! I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it just lets those who it may triggers know not to read it.

Firstly, depression doesn't discriminate and there isn't always a reason. What we say here is that how you feel is important. If something affects you then it matters. We don't compare here as whatever you're feeling matters just as much as the next person.

What meds are you on? Are those the first ones you've tried? There are more than 20 registered antidepressants and it isn't a one size fits all kind of thing so is often trial and error I'm afraid. Have you ever had any counselling? Your first step really needs to be going back and speaking to your doctor and being honest about what you're feeling.

Hi and welcome to DWD. Jaq has asked most of what I was going to!
Are you eating and drinking OK? What about getting any exercise? Have you thought about trying to find a local support group?

Hi and welcome. I understand why you feel you have to apologise - I’ve always had a safe, comfortable life yet have suffered from depression since I was 16 and, like you, felt I had no right to feel this way. Yet being a part of DWD, I have learnt, as Jaq says, that depression can affect anybody, sometimes for no discernible reason. It’s an illness and, like any other illness, can impact anyone.

Unfortunately, it’s a difficult illness to treat so I’m not surprised you’re not getting better after 2 years. It’s a chronic disease so takes time to get things settled. Sometimes trial and error with medication and other therapies will lead to successful treatment but sometimes it’s more about managing the illness. Just keep engaging with your doctor and keep fighting, its early days yet and you’re doing brilliantly

Hi Nick (hi) depression can strike anyone sometimes you can find a cause other times there doesn't seem to be cause it just happens, lack of enjoyment in anything and loss of emotions are quite common symptoms. There's no easy answers it just a matter of trying different things till something that works for you is found.

Thank you all. I'm on duloxetine 120 lithium 120 mirtazipine 45 and methyl folate 15
I've been seeing pscy and cbt guy for 2 years but the counselling side hasn't helped much beyond initial identifying my fear of failure being a people pleaser and trying to do everything for everyone. It's only really in the past few months that I've noticed I'm just not enjoying anything. I've put on weight despite exercising which is a side effect of the drugs to a certain extent do now 'hate' myself too physically. I will speak to my psychologist again but at every meeting he mentions Cigna and billing them....he makes the psychiatrist in After Life look kosher!

Hi Nic,
I’ve been taking lithium and mirtazapine for about twenty years. I have suffered with depression since I was in my teens and I’m now fifty seven. Depressive episodes will come and go and it’s recognising that and seeking help when necessary. You will eventually feel better but it might take a long time. I always felt that I wanted to go back to how I once was before the depression. That is impossible because we are all travelling forward.
I’m sorry that you are having trouble with your private health insurers. They are meant to be there to help you. OH had private cover which was mostly good. They might not always be available to you ?

Have you had a meds review recently? Have you told them how you are feeling?

Sorry I havent been back on here - school holidays have been somewhat testing...
Med review next week and I am also going to seek a 2nd opinion from a new psychiatrist and therapist
Thank you once again - EJ1 - nice to know you can live for 20 more years on lithium - I hate it....could you tell me the brand - I am on Priadel and hate swallowing the tablets as they always get stuck - so I know it sounds stupid but I sometimes avoid them as I am so apprehensive about taking them

Thanks
Nick

Nick missing doses of any medication should be avoided. If you are struggling taking them could you talk to your Dr about it?
Can I ask why you are looking for second opinions?

Oh Nick, did you think long term lithium definitely leads to serious health Problems? I’ve been on Lithium since 2007 (priadel too) and, other than thyroid issues, which are managed with meds, I’ve been fine. Obviously there is the potential for difficulties but as long as you look after yourself, have regular blood tests and are careful if you are ill, dieting etc, there’s no reason why you should have those difficulties. Lithium is a safe medication, if used correctly. As for the swallowing problem, yes they’re chalky but there’s ways of getting round them. If you’re taking the 400mg tablets, have you thought about breaking them in half to make it easier to swallow. Or maybe asking for your meds in 200mg (eg taking 4 x 200 rather than 2 x 400?)

Please, please don’t miss doses, with any medication that makes it harder to manage it and that’s particularly true with Lithium. The truth is that, if you take it responsibly and look after yourself, it’s a very effective medication and, truthfully, it’s the one drug I take that I would absolutely refuse to be taken off. It’s changed my life.

I’m taking Piradel which comprises of two 400mg tablets and one 200mg tablet. I also take one 45mg tablet of mirtazapine and one montelukast. I tend to take them all at once with plenty of water. I think about the risks of taking lithium and the risks to my kidney and thyroid but I take regular blood test which would pick up any adverse effects. long term it has enabled me to work full time and be active in my social life. Ive never missed a dose but I know with Luther meds missed I’ve been weepy and unable to cope. Lithium works by having a certain level in the drug unique to you. Too much of the drug then it is liable to be toxic and dangerous, too little and it is not being effective and doing its job properly. It has ironed out the peaks and troughs in my emotions although I am not bipolar. My depression was difficult to treat before lithium. I have had several hospital admissions and many different therapies.
I do not see a psychiatrist regularly now but my last psychiatrist would not take me off it. I would not want to jeopardise my mental health for the sake of lithium. I’m not sure of the quality of my life without it if I have any quality of life at all. Life was very difficult without it.