So fed up

How is it even a year already since we were about to go into lockdown and I was told not to come into work but to stay at home and work from home. I went into shock mode. My anxiety increased and my appetite decreased. I actually lost a few pounds due to not eating at that point. I was shaking and worried about everything. My mental health declined and I had a relapse. I could see it coming a few months before lockdown. My mood had gone down and I couldn't cope. Work had helped me with my recovery from my last mental health breakdown where work from my old job had been a trigger. Working pt in a fantastic organisation with amazing people had helped me recover. I gained respect from my colleagues and I was happy. Going into lockdown was a nightmare for me as it has been for millions of people. I am lucky that work has been amazing to me and I have a compassionate boss who has supported me throughout. Since the summer we started to return on a rota basis. Now Im only in two or three mornings a week and the rest from home. The days I am at home are a struggle. I struggle massively to get out of bed. I feel sedated and drowsy from the medication I am on. I'm having vivid dreams and sleep is often disturbed. Once I'm up and trying to do work I struggle to stay away often falling back to sleep which does make me feel worse. I've put on 3 st since I regained my appetite and it's mainly due to the amount of junk I have been binging and lack of exercise. Pre pandemic I attended about 3 exercise classes a week and sometimes the gym. I used to be the main food shopper for our house. Now I rarely go shopping as it makes me too anxious. My DH does it. I'm embarrassed for people to see me. My clothes are too tight and I don't feel good in myself. I'd rather stay in than go out. I have a lot of physical pain from my neck, my jaw, face and head. There is rarely a day that I don't have symptoms. Sometimes I question if this pain is in my head. I have permanent tinnitus which drives me crazy. I often want to scream or bang my head against the wall but I don't. My kids notice that I am not right. They see me getting snappy and annoyed at the minor things. Like not getting of the TV or phone late at night on a school night. They keep me going and it's only because of them that I push myself to get up and care for them. Without them and dh my life would be meaningless. I am so fed up. Why am I like this. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and what I have. I'm turning 40 in a few months and I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I've let myself go and I have no motivation to improve myself. I can't talk to my friends about how I feel because I don't want them to hear me moaning when I know everyone has so many troubles at the moment. I put on a happy face when I'm in public at work because I don't feel people need to know how I'm feeling. I don't even know where I am going with all this. I just know that I don't feel right. I don't feel right in my head. I feel miserable and fed up.

Do you feel drowsy when you’re at work? If not, I don’t think it’s the meds, hunni, it’s struggling with not being in the work environment.
As for the clothes - stop feeling crap in them - go online and buy yourself a few things that actually fit you and you can feel good in. I know how hard it is to buy larger sizes, but just think how good it’ll feel when you lose that bit of extra weight (that most of us have put on during the last year) and can get comfortably back into your old clothes!

I feel drowsy most the time but at work I can't fall asleep so I just get on with it and I'm only PT. There is no way I could cope working ft which is another thing that gets me down because I feel I'm never going to move up. I've been the same since I started there 8 years ago. I'll see if I can find some new clothes online. Thanks

I'm completely with Paula. Again, I think it sounds like you are struggling more at home than at work. Definitely get some clothes that fit. I too know how hard it is, but actually wearing clothes that you are comfortable in will help your self esteem too.

If you like your job and are generally happy there, why the need to move up?

Maybe I have too many expectations of myself but I feel disappointed that I worked hard to get a degree and I'm in a job that doesn't earn enough to pay tax. That's mainly because I'm pt but why did I bother to struggle my way through a degree. Most the people I work with are ion higher grades than me. Sometimes we so the same work although they have some more responsibilities than me but they are earning at least 3 times my salary. I know mentally and physically I can't cope with ft work right now. It does make me feel angry and disappointed in myself that I can't cope with this. I know I shouldn't complain because there are so many people out of a job now. And I shouldn't compare myself to my colleagues. I'm not sure if I'm happy with my job but I know I am happy with where I am working. It's hard to explain but I do feel frustrated.

I can understand that - I worked hard to get my degree too, but I too can't do the job I trained so hard for, but actually I know that atm, I'm doing what I can to help others and yet it's something that I can fit around my own life and illnesses.... Maybe you have to focus on the "right here, right now" this is more than enough for you to be doing... but it doesn't mean it'll be forever. Why push yourself to do more when you are finding your current position difficult....

So sorry to hear thst you're struggling so much. First of all, don't talk yourself down. I know it's easier said than done but don't feel bad in your clothes or anything - as it's already been suggested above, buy yourself something new.. online shopping is lovely and it'll make you more comfortable because you can do it in your own pace, st home and whenever you want. You definitely haven't failed at anything and it's completely okay to not feel fully happy despite having good things in life... your family loves and cares for you and they'll get through the hatd times with you. Do you think that maybe some sort of "treat" after work would help? A nice walk or a good tv show? Or maybe just taking a bath... even taking a nap can help.
Don't be disappointed in yourself, shine. I know that's not easy to fulfiöl but you seem like a lovely person. You're doing great - and mental health issues can make us feel disappointed and bad, but you're not a bad person. Take care xx

Thank you Suzi and Butterfly. You are both right. I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to just focus on the important things in life like my 2 kids. My ds overtook me in height last year. I can't believe I have a 14.5 year old already. He's such a lovely boy and has a great personality. He has great friendships and generally seems really happy with life. DD I worry about. She just turned 12 and I worry that she could be inheriting some of mine and dh MH genes. She often becomes withdrawn. She's very hormonal at the moment and finding things hard. She knows she can talk to me about anything and we often do have chats. She is so kind and gentle. I feel so bad that she often sees me sad. I try hard not to show it Infront of her but she knows. I am grateful that their school seem to have a good pshe programme and they have both covered mh etc. They understand what depression and anxiety is. Hopefully with schools help we can stamp out the stigma. There was such a stigma when I was at school. It just wasn't talked about. I was depressed when in high school but I didn't know about depression them because it was never talked about. A lot of my problems stem back from trauma I experienced in school. I have a negative image of myself because I was constantly reminded of how horrible I looked. Because of this I have never learnt to love myself. When so many people bully you because of your appearance you then start to believe them and have doubts about yourself. I have doubts about myself in so many situations. I find it very hard to accept praise and compliments because I think they are lying or just pretending to be kind. I've recently got back into crochet. It's the one thing keeping me distracted. When people say I'm so talented I find it hard to accept and say things like I just followed a pattern or tutorial. I know I need to change this pessimism and turn it around. I know I need to start being more positive. I know it's time I need to start liking myself. Why is it so hard. Sorry for the long post. I just wrote as thoughts came to my head

I think there are many of us who can relate to being bullied about how we looked. I had it constantly from almost as young as I can remember.... But you don't look as they were saying. I've seen pictures of you and you're really pretty. The way you speak about yourself makes you sound like some kind of ugly "freak" which you certainly aren't!
Glad that they've been talking about mh at school... Hope it helps them to understand - have you actually sat down and talked to them about how you feel? Actually said how things are? Not to scare them, but actually you tend to find that those around the person who is struggling with their MH think that there is much, much worse "causing" their loved one to be struggling - therefore it's better to talk openly and honestly... .

Thanks Suzi

I agree with Suzi about talking to your kids. Being open with mine made a huge difference, particularly to my eldest, to her fears for me