-
I got most of it done! Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to be honest.
I am actually feeling a slight reprieve from nastiness at the minute, not massively but enough to make a difference in my mood. Yaying for that.
Just bought my first car.. (very cute black Nissan micra) so second yayings.... there's even THIRD YAYINGS as I've finally figured out the next melody of a song I'm working on that had me stumped for ages :)
Back to work tomorrow though, so I am really hoping that it goes well
-
-
So fabulous! Well done! :)
-
I very nearly had a breakdown at work today. Colleagues were ready to call an ambulance but I begged them not to because I know they will put me on a unit or something. It's likely that I am being monitored right now they are just waiting for the opportunity to lock me up.
I was determined, in my mind at one point, that I would swallow as many pills as I could find tonight and just finish it because I am done. No fight left.
I haven't done this obviously but today was just wild. It all feels somewhat surreal now because I have calmed down massively in that regard but feel worse in a way. I feel like I could be the most repulsive person alive.
I genuinely hate life right now. I wish I could apply for some kind of euthanasia like they can in Belgium. I would seriously pursue it. I don't live a life, I just squirm and writhe about like a disgusting, worm-like creature.
What gifts will tomorrow bestow upon me? Can't wait. Such fun.
Supposed to pick up my car but I am holding off on that, I am afraid I will do something stupid in it.
ARghsdgh. Sleep. Wake up. Tomorrow may be different. It's the only positive thing I can think right now. Sorry for rubbish update
-
Hunni, no one will be waiting for the opportunity to ‘lock you up’, not least because they just don’t have the beds available to section people except as an absolute, last, last, last resort. Also, it’s not about locking people up, it’s about getting someone into hospital so they can have access to the acute care they need.
Saying that, sweetheart you really need to see your doctor again urgently - please call and get an appointment today.
-
I completely agree with Paula. They don't section people easily, and I completely agree that seeing you/a doctor right now is essentinal.
-
Thought I'd give a small update as I went from posting daily to not at all. Very typical of me.
Had a few moments. More self-harm. Another meltdown at work; HR are now involved. Yay. /s
I did go back to my GP and he increased the Mirtazapine to 30mg because I felt that I was getting some benefit despite being relatively new to it (possible placebo, but does it matter?)
I haven't really had many moments where I'm not feeling suicidally awful but I am doing my best to look forward. Definitely easier said than done though. I feel very unenthusiastic in my self-imposed optimism, however. My honest feeling is more akin to being tired of life and wishing it was over. A lot of dark thoughts emanating from that. Mostly stuff like, fantasizing about being run over / murdered, being diagnosed with terminal illness etc... so that way I could die without the guilt of self-termination and how easier that would be on others (ultimately). Making an effort to not dwell on these ideas though.
Hope everyone had a nice Christmas - I nommed a mountain of food and feel super fat. Mean food. I blame the Mirtazapine, definitely not the fault of my Mother's wonderful portioning.
-
Have you been honest with your GP about your suicidal thoughts? Do you have access to the crisis team?
It's good to see you..
-
Probably not no-holds-barred honesty, no. Because I don't want an intervention and I don't want to be put on a unit (again).
I do have access to the crisis team which I have met, another meeting to be scheduled in the new year. I will also register as an out-patient at the nearest place sometime soon, although I am wary of doing so.
-
That first step is really the most difficult. It is scary to get in contact with those who can help. I felt like I was a failure when I first went to my doctor and asked for help. I didn't realise then that she really didn't know what was going on in my head and I really had to sit down and tell her. That was too difficult for me so I wrote it all down. I explained in my note that I wasn't sleeping, was having trouble doing things for myself, like showering and eating, and the main thing that I wasn't coping as a mother and I was going to hurt my little girl. I'm so lucky that I didn't have to wait long for an appointment with the psychariatist, and they got me started on treatment almost straight away. Unfortunately, I had a spell in hospital but I got better and got home again. I still receive treatment and help when I need it and I can make an appointment at any time for my GP and I can get an appointment with someone from the psychiatric team at short notice (usually about a week).
Just because you've taken that first step doesn't automatically mean that you will have a stay in hospital. The beds are very scarce and they really try to treat at home now, so please don't be afraid to take that first step. Make that appointment to register as an out-patient and good luck.