Breaking the barrier and seeking help? *SU TRIGGER

I'm 23 years old and I've suffered from some form of depression since 16, probably earlier but 16 is when it started getting bad and what the first time I had a suicidal thought. I've had moments in which I've sat there with handfuls of pills crying and on the edge of just swallowing them all.

I kept my thoughts and feelings to my self until I was around 20 when I opened up to be my best friends about it. Unfortunately he just doesn't understand and just says stuff like "it's just stress, well all get it" etc. I also can't this any of this with my family as my family are all very distant people and I was raised to keep your feelings to yourself.

Due to the fact that I've kept it to myself I've always self medicated to keep it at bay. I've smoked weed since I was 16, mostly to help me to sleep as I get bad insomnia. For around a year and a half straight I would take LSD, and magic mushrooms about 2-3 times a week just to escape reality. I've abused pills, mainly diazepam.

I managed to break free off all my habits because I was aiming to get into the army as I thought that would be my escape and the tough structure that I needed to get my life back on track as I used to to be well fit, focused and determined when I was younger. Unfortunately that fell through due to a previous injury.

It's bout a year on now and mentally things are going downhill again. I'm back to smoking, recently started self medicating with Xanax, and now I'm have suicidal thoughts again. The worst part getting access to a drug to kill myself is extremely easy for me.

Even as I type this I'm already on about 4mg of Xanax and I know it's just going to get worse because this is how my diazepam usage started.


So for anything who has gone through something similar. How did you break the anxiety barrier of seeking help? I hate the idea of anyone knowing that I am mentally unstable, especially my family. I've taken multiple online tests and the all score every high, saying I have server depression and should seek help and that scares the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) out of me. My current mindset is I'd rather die than have people think I'm weak.

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning to your post. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid this thread if it would affect them.

Well done for opening up, that must have been difficult. Your first stop really needs to be your GP lovely. They can refer you for any treatment they feel would benefit you and can help prescribe antidepressants if you're open to trying them. If you will struggle opening up you can always print out this post and show them.

I'm not going to give you the usual lecture about the illegal drugs, but please be aware that diazepam can be addictive.

Hi and welcome. I’m so relieved you’ve come to us, it sounds like you’re alone with this and no one should be alone with this. The first, most important point I want to make is you are very, very far from being weak. There is a (accurate) saying that depression is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being strong for too long. You are stronger than you think (bear)

Hi and welcome. I completely agree - there is NOTHING weak about mental health illness.
I really do have to urge you to go and see your Dr - print out the post you've made here and talk to them - be honest and open about how bad you are feeling and what you are doing to change things. Taking drugs not prescribed for you or illegal really isn't going to help lovely. You need to have some serious help from your GP, mental health team and the drug and alcohol team. I'm so pleased you opened up here. It's so important.

Thank you all for the kinds words. So far I have emailed Samaritans and told my best friend that I'm going to seek professional help because of it. Unfortunately neither have responded yet.

As for diazepam being addictive. I am in such a low place that I would rather risk addiction than feel how I feel. Unfortunately I built up such a tolerance for that I'm now taking Xanax which feels a lot stronger, which is probably worse as I am taking it like tic tacks, just to feel numb. To a degree that a family member has already asked if I was on something as my eyes looked weird and I looked unbalanced on my feet.Today I have been in most of the all day. Only coming out to come on here, do some online health tests, and unfortunately research suicide methods which I wish I could say was the first time. On the bright side I now realise that I really need professional help or I'm not going to see 2019.

My biggest problem with seeking help is my self confidence. My biggest fear is being judged, even the slightest thing can eat me alive so admitting to something this big will be the biggest challenge of my life. I spent most of my life living in Glasgow and was forced to put on a tough exterior and was taught showing weakness was unacceptable. Even typing this out has brought me to tears and I feel ashamed that I'm a 23 year old man crying at a computer screen.

I would just like to say that you should print out your posts from here and show them to your GP. It would be a starting point and you have really described your symptoms very well here. I'd also just like to say hi. (hi)

Sweetheart stop researching suicide - that really isn't something that you need to be doing. You aren't always going to feel like this... You don't need a permanent solution to a temporary feeling.

Please, please, please don't feel ashamed. We've had people of all walks of life, ages, genders, sexuality, religions, countries etc I promise that you do not need to feel ashamed. 23 is no age at all - I know you won't believe me, but it doesn't always have to be this way...

Try calling the samaritans. They won't judge you at all. The same with your Dr..
If you feel that you are going to hurt yourself then please get to your nearest A+E and ask for the on call duty mental health team.

Sweetie, where are you getting Xanax from? It’s dangerous to be popping them like tic tacs, never mind that you will just need more and more to get the same effect. You’re risking causing yourself serious harm.

Perhaps even more importantly, While Xanax is used (under a doctor’s care) for anxiety, there’s an argument that says it causes or increases depression and could also increase suicidal thoughts.

Please, please urgently go to your doctor and tell them what you’ve told is here

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Paula

Sweetie, where are you getting Xanax from? It’s dangerous to be popping them like tic tacs, never mind that you will just need more and more to get the same effect. You’re risking causing yourself serious harm.

Perhaps even more importantly, While Xanax is used (under a doctor’s care) for anxiety, there’s an argument that says it causes or increases depression and could also increase suicidal thoughts.

Please, please urgently go to your doctor and tell them what you’ve told is here

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I get all of my drugs online via the darkweb. Sadly I am better with computers than I wish I was otherwise I wouldn't have access to any of this stuff, on the upside I think I've lasted this long by numbing those feelings with my drug use. Unfortunately I know nothing about drugs and just search them on google before buying and saw that xanax can help depression by curing anxiety that is associated with it and anxiety is a huge problem for me, so I assumed no anxiety would mean no depression. It's also one of the more reasons why I am nervous about suicide, because the drugs to do it are so easily obtainable by me.

When it comes to seeing the doctor or calling a helpline. I can't explain why but it scares the utter crap out out me. I've known my best friends for over 10 years and I was open with him about my problems until last year and even that was extremely difficult and I'd trust him with my life. Very few things scare me in life but admitting to people about this subject petrifies me.

As Paula has said, stopping anxiety can often have other side effects which could make things much worse..
Sweetheart, you need to get some proper help, I promise you that you need to. I would strongly urge you to print out what you've put here and pass it to your GP. You could even ask the receptionist to pass it to them before you have your appointment.

It doesn't cure anxiety lovely, it just eases the symptoms. I sometimes have it prescribed for when my anxiety is particularly bad.