Currently suicidal. triggering pls be careful

Hi. Uhm as ive entered in the intro thread, i got in this site bec of an app called 'Stay Alive' that my roommate recommended. Ive been somehow placed by my psychiatrist under observation to my roommate bec of my increasing suicidal ideations for the past 2 weeks. Ive been diagnosed with persistent/pervasive(?) depressive disorder/dysthymia for 5 or 6 yrs now. Almost had an overdose last week, which i was half aware of bec i generally just wanted my headache and stomache to go away. But yeah, i have been thinking about it despite that. I think the suicidal ideations and all that got triggered by the holidays i (hate it, sorry to people who love it) and my growing non-stop family problems.

Everyone's like, "live! There's still so much to experience! So much to do", "ur still young" (im 26 right now), "u deserve better".

I always just agree with them as i sigh defeatedly. Bec to be honest, i dont see those right now. I dont see anything good in the future. What i only know is i have to provide for my siblings until they finished their education and everything is good and done for me. Im so tired that i am no longer interested in what's to come. Im more eager for all the bad things to end.

It's like for me, after im done with what use they have of me, im done. I dont see myself worthy. I dont really feel it. I am just functioning not bec i want to or i have the drive or vigor to do so, but just because i have to, as of now. Because there are still some people depending on me. Once they can carry out on their own, im done. I dont know.

But im really trying hard to fight. I just placed my medications on my roommate's door upstairs bec im really feeling it right now.

It's somehow a tug of war inside me from diff parts: 1-fighting to live, 2-wanting to die, 3-scared of dying, 4-feeling so depressed, helpess and hopeless, 5-confused and exhausted. I dont really know.

Anyways, thank you so much for reading. I dont intend to trigger anyone or offend anyone. I just want to put these thoughts out so i wont act on them. Thank you again.

legodeercat.

Hi legodeercat and welcome to DWD. Epic username btw. So many of us have been where you are and yet somehow we’re still here. I don’t thing you want to die, you just wanna stop feeling the way you do. Hey if there is an after life what’s to say that torment doesn’t follow you and no one wants that for eternity, right? I know it seems hopeless right now but thaat can change and you are fighting this. I’m not gonna throw a load of cliches you but here you are among folk who understand how this illness messes with your head and how to get through the tough times.

Hi and welcome to DWD. It's good to meet you. Do you have a good support network? Have you used helplines?
I promise you that there is more to life that feeling as bad as you do now, and I know that the world is better to have you in it. I really hope that you are able to keep fighting and keep talking to us.

Im so glad you have found this lil place of peace. welcome!
As Suzi asked, i really hope you have a support system, if not, you do now. <3
We are here for you always!
xoxo

Hi and welcome. I don’t think you get how incredible you are. To devote your life to ensuring your family are provided for shows how enormously generous and selfless you are. People as kind as you are don’t come along often and you are so very worthy.

When was the last time you saw your doctor? Are you on ADs?