Advice? *SH SU TRIGGERS*

So for an outsider, most people would think my life is moving in the perfect direction.

I have recently qualified as a teacher (September) I have a beautiful fiance with plans to marry next year. There is really nothing going 'badly' in my life at all.

And yet, I am still never happy - I am constantly feeling overly anxious in both my career and social situations and generally down as a whole. I have felt this way since probably my early teens - with a number of insecurities - I am now 25.

I always said to myself, once I get a house, a wife etc. things will get better and yet on the contrary (despite my future being far more positive than it has ever been) I have recently begun self harming for the first time. This is a stage I never thought I'd get to.

About 3.5 years ago, one of my best friends committed suicide and this affected me a lot - I still haven't got over it. It happened to a similar time of my anniversary with my fiance which has obviously caused friction when I get overly down and often shut her out / forgotten about our anniversary around that time of year.

I feel like I overthink every situation, and look at myself in the most negative way possible. At least once a day I vision myself hanging myself when my mind is filled with negative thoughts - and this genuinely terrifies me - when completely able to think, zero part of me wants to die. And yet recently, I have begun discretely self harming and these thoughts / visions of hanging myself have become more and more frequent.

I have hinted at these thoughts to my fiance over the years however I feel she doesn't take it seriously ( maybe because of how much of a positive front I try to put on when with her in fear of pushing her away?) and my general experience of doctors is complete (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)e.

Basically, what do you do? I'm sure many people feel the same way as me? I'm about to go start reading around the forums but I wanted to post this up straight away so my piece is out there... sorry it's so long and thank you to anybody out there who reads it and responds. Literally anything would help me right now.

All the best to you all in a similar situation.

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning because of some of what you discuss. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so others can avoid reading it if it will trigger them.

I think the first thing to say is depression does not discriminate, there doesn't have to be a reason for it. Sometimes it just is.

When you SH are you keeping it clean? Ideally, you need to go and speak to your gp. You could always see if there is a doctor who specialises in MH at your practise and request to see them. They can offer treatment, whether it is antidepressants or psychological therapies such as counselling or CBT. Have you ever had any bereavement counselling to help you deal with the death of your friend? That may be worth looking in to. And there are lots of helplines out there. They will listen if you need to talk when things get really dark.

Your fiancee won't understand if you're not honest with her. At some point you will to talk to her. If she doesn't understand then show her the Time to Talk website.

You've made a big step talking here. Well done :) we will support you as much as we can

Hi and welcome. The awesome Jaq has said literally everything I was going to!
But I remember just qualifying as a teacher and I know how scary that is, but the only way to deal with your MH is to talk to your fiancee. Explain to her the best you can - or show her the post you've just written. Maybe see if she'll go with you to the Dr? I know I've been to most of my husbands with him.

Hi and welcome to DWD. It’s tough when talking to people is the absolute last thing you want to do ..... as well as your fiancée, could you print out your post and show it to the doctor?