Off my chest *SH SU Triggers*

Soooo having a bad day and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm thinking about my depression, and sort of feel like I want to get everything down to try and make sense of things, I may not even post this.
I was a bit of a emotional teenager. I used to cut myself, I once took an ibuprofen overdose not realising that the stuff can't kill you := My family life was a bit weird growing up, I wasn't too close to my parents. So I got very in with my friends, they became like my family in a way.
Post being a teenager, I had some pretty good years, my confidence grew, I had a good social life, I had normal relationships, I thought I would meet someone and have a family...
However, five years ago I lost my mum. The way I dealt with that was to be 'strong', I didn't even cry at her funeral. I think that was when I shut down a lot of my feelings and the dysthymia probably started. I went into counselling around then, but it never really resolved anything.
Around that time, my best friend unfortunately started suffering badly with anxiety. Our other friendships slowly broke down, and we became very Codependant and unhealthy. There was many years of us fighting terribly. Luckily, in more recent times we have been healing our relationship and are actually being able to be there for one another, but that was a time that was also pretty psychologically damaging.
At home I was left with my brother and dad who are very emotionally unavailable, but we got along in our own way.
However, a couple of years ago my dad met his girlfriend, things progressed pretty fast with them and she ended up moving in and they wanted me and my brother to move out. I mean, I was 29, it was probably for the best. And she is lovely, she makes my dad very happy. However it put me in a difficult position, my brother decided to move away to live with my nan and I couldn't afford a place on my own. (My friend is part time and can't afford to move out.) my boss, who I have known for over ten years, offered for me to move in with him and his husband.
It seemed like the dream at first. My boss looked after me like I hadn't been for years. He cooked me dinner, he ran me baths, he was there for me when I needed someone, we got very, very close. I was there for him, and he actually made me feel like I was worth something, like someone truly cared about me. I used to tell him it scared me, us getting so close. And I was right to be.
He started getting feelings for me. It developed into a 'thing' which we tried to resist for some weeks, but we ended up sleeping together, twice. We only stopped becuase his husband found out.
I know it is utterly terrible that I did it. Previously to this I'd had men in relationships make me belive they had feelings for me, and I've always been so desperate to be loved becuase of my 'daddy issues' when really they were just using me for sex. I began doing more and more stupid and extreme things like that becuase it made me feel ...something! When I was sneaking around it was the only time I really felt alive. And it gave me the fix of affection I was so desperate for without actually getting close to anyone. So becuase I'd been getting away with similar things for so long, I never seriously thought we would get found out or what the consequences would be.
Of course, the aftermath was horrible. Their marriage nearly broke up, I had to see my boss get punched in the face by his husband, and I spent a few nights sleeping in my car. I had utterly ruined the best thing that had happened to me in so long. And I have to live with the guilt of it, knowing I've hurt someone who really didn't deserve it. Its still hard to look him in the eye. Amazingly, my boss and his husband actually made it up, and they let me stay living in the house. I know, it all sounds so, so messed up when I put it all down.
It was after that I think I perhaps developed major depression. I wanted to stay out of the way as much as possible so I bought a microwave for my room, and lost a lot of weight. I began to feel very, very down. It got to the point where I couldn't get through a day of work without crying, and I became a bit suicidal. I googled suicide more than once and had to ring the samaritans one time becuase I was in my car with a bag over my head. So I went to the doctors and got antidepressants.
It was amazing, for the first time in years, I was getting angry about things! I was feeling genuine guilt, actual happiness. Things at home started to get a bit better. I built some bridges with my boss' husband and I think he realises I really am sorry for it...
Now I'm trying to put the pieces back together, and come to the terms with realising I do have depression, and that I've probably bulldozed an awful lot of my life becuase of it. I know I can't stay in this house forever. I know it's probably not fair me being here, than it will probably never really be ok.

My boss and I have both just got promotions so we wont be working together any more, so some of the emotional bond will get cut. A part of me still finds it so hard to detach from him though. It's not that I even want to be with him, I was never trying to steal him, it wasn't like that. It was just so nice to have someone care so much about me, to feel like I could be myself around someone and just be accepted. I just feel so alone sometimes and desperately wish I could just have our friendship back the way it was.
So that's me and my big old mess. I feel like I've lost literally years of growing and developing as a person becuase I was shut down for so long. Home life is a strain sometimes, as I say I know I should probably just get out on my own but I struggle to manage my finances or even look after myself so being able to get my own place seems mind boggling at this point and i have no were else to go...
Im sorry this is so long!! If anyone's got to the end well I'm sorry you were subjected to my ramblings!

Welcome :)

Don’t apologise for your ‘ramblings’ sometimes it’s good to get things down on paper as it’s helps you to process what’s going on in your head.

I am not sure I have anything to answer your thoughts or queries but I am sure there are plenty on this forum that will. So I will just say this, small steps, try not to think of the bigger picture but have small steps set up to get you where you want to be.

Be kind to yourself x

You seem to take on the blame for you and your boss sleeping together - it takes 2 people to make that happen, so it's not all your responsibility at all.
It is a bit of a mess, but you do have options. Could you afford somewhere with something like housing benefit? What about a different shared house option?

Thank you for your thoughts! That is true and I did hold some resentment towards him becuase he was the one who very much pushed it forward and promised me things would be ok and he even said he didn't want to be one of those guys who takes advantage of me cos I'm vulnerable... But one of the things I'm trying to work on is taking responsibility for myself and my actions, becuase I am very easily pursued by people shall we say, not just guys, so I have got to become more er, shall we say... Autonomous?
As for the housing situation, I do sort of have a long term plan, now I've had a promotion I will be able to start paying off my debt and save up a bit to look at moving out, it's just the immediate thing of living in a house where I was once probably the happiest I've ever been and now I feel like an outsider, it does get me down. My boss does try with me though to be fair, he made me go down and talk to him last night. It's just got worse recently again becuase we'd got to the point where I could go eat dinner with them and stuff, then last Friday I went on a night out, my boss decided he wanted to go too and made us sneak out so his husband wouldn't know... And then he was trying it on with me all night!! I was strong though, I said no. But becuase his husband was mad we went out together, now I feel awkward and like I have to stay out of the way again.
I'm sorry this has become way longer than planned!

I may be talking rubbish here but it sounds to me like it is a situation you need to get out of to move on....but do not put pressure on that. If you have a plan, stick to it. If it is a long term plan is there any way you can break it down into chunks to make it feel less far away and keep you positive and focused?

As for your boss, I think you need to set boundaries for yourself that you are not willing to go past. This will help you still be able to have dinner etc with them but will also give you that feeling of self respect....hope that makes sense. I know you say you find it hard to say no to people and are easily persuaded. But know what it is in your mind and in your values that you want, that way saying no is a little easier....hugs x

Sorry lovely but your boss is being a prize dick.

That's a good idea about breaking it down and my dad will maybe help me with a deposit so when i get settled in my new job I will seriously start moving towards getting my own place, thank you for the advise! That is something else I am trying to work on, my boundaries, becuase as you can see, I have none! ^^
He is a bit of a dick sometimes, but I also do love him so its hard. The feelings between us got super confusing, he does love his husband and we're not IN LOVE but we can talk to each other in a way we can't talk to anyone else, we care about each other very much and are sexually attracted to each other sooo it's just hard. But it's like now, I can hear them play fighting and laughing downstairs together and it does hurt. The point is, I know I do need to get out of here! Just wish i could find someone that loves and cares about me the way he does that I could ACTUALLY be with, becuase I've literally NEVER had that before.

You deserve someone just for you lovely. I'm glad that you said no to him because you need to prize yourself much higher than just sex.

Hi and welcome (hi). Is it hard because you aren’t with him or is it hard because you’re not with anyone? ...

How long have you been on the ADs?