New and running out of options! *SU Trigger*

Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I'll keep it simple and to the point.

There's a lot of history and information to go through but I'll stick to more recent events. Over the past couple of years my depression has got worse and little things are starting to affect me more than they should. I've been to ER with panic attacks thinking they were heart attacks, this has happened on a couple of occasions. I've been to my doctors and had CBT, with three different therapists with the final one saying that CBT isn't for me. I've previously spoken with a counsellor and made no progress. I somehow manage to push away people that I get close to, one way or another and it keeps happening. The only constant people in my life are my parents and I believe that's only because they don't really have a choice.

I'm at a loss and now in the stage of, I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I've thought about suicide but just can't go through with it.

Hi and welcome. First, I’ve added a trigger warning to your thread. It’s nothing to worry about, it just means other members have fair warning if you discuss something they may find difficult

Have your doctors discussed medication with you? Have you ever been referred to a psychiatrist?

Hi and welcome. There are many other forms of therapy which might be more beneficial to you, so don't give up yet.
I notice you mention the ER, which leads me to think you're in America? Things over there are different to how they are here in the UK, but it doesn't mean that it can't be helped.

Hi and welcome to DWD, I'm sure you'll find this a very friendly place.

Hi All,

Thank you for the quick replies, it really helps when you're feeling low and looking for a quick response!

Suzi, I did mention ER but I think that's from all the American web site I've been on, I am in the UK and should have said A&E.

Paula, thank you for the response and I've been to the doctors following my visit to A&E and they referred me to CBT, after three therapists they advised that they can't help. I'm thinking that medication may be the only solution but I really don't want to go down that route.

From a young age I've always been a happy go lucky person that will talk to anyone about anything and don't judge anyone. If things are going well then I'm fine and get along with anyone and in a lot of cases have been a support for a lot of people. The problem arises when something goes wrong or I accidentally say something to upset someone, they can end up not talking to me anymore and I constantly think it over and over. I've looked into bipolar but it's not that, I think it's because I find it difficult communicating and saying the right words. One person has been open and honest with me and said they find me hard to read and understand and sometimes my jokes come across as serious. She probably knew me better than anyone and I even managed to upset her one day, I apologised and was upset myself but even now she acts differently around me.

I'm looking at other counselling services now but the frustrating thing is that this keeps happening whenever I get close to anyone, relationships are impossible and yet to happen.

I've been told the same thing, that I'm hard to read and understand and people always think I'm being serious when I'm joking, my fiance knows I'm like that as well and I still manage to upset him from time to time, I also understand the feeling of not wanting to live but not wanting to die, your doctors shouldn't just give up on you just because one type of treatment isn't working, maybe it's just not the right one for you

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Originally Posted by CaterpillarGirl

I've been told the same thing, that I'm hard to read and understand and people always think I'm being serious when I'm joking, my fiance knows I'm like that as well and I still manage to upset him from time to time, I also understand the feeling of not wanting to live but not wanting to die, your doctors shouldn't just give up on you just because one type of treatment isn't working, maybe it's just not the right one for you

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Thanks CaterpillarGirl, I try not to make jokes or be sarcastic anymore as it doesn't always seem to work and backfires regularly. I'm also trying to stop overthinking every little detail or every situtaion. I must try and think before speaking as well as not everyone likes the truth and having someone being direct (in a non agressive way, I tend to say it like it is and I don't do it on purpose). So hard just to live these days and once I push someone away, they don't seem to come back. I even remember telling someone that I'm sorry that I'll end up pushing them away without meaning to, they said they wouldn't let it happen but it still did.

I think I do the same thing, pushing people away without meaning to, at least it seems that way with the amount of people that just disappear from my life... And the overthinking thing, please let me know if you figure out how to stop doing that because it drives me mad!!

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Originally Posted by CaterpillarGirl

I think I do the same thing, pushing people away without meaning to, at least it seems that way with the amount of people that just disappear from my life... And the overthinking thing, please let me know if you figure out how to stop doing that because it drives me mad!!

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I really wish I could find a solution to the overthinking thing, after 10 years of feeling like this I finally connected with someone. It was my 14 year old cousin who is also going through depression and anxiety. We got on really well until something happened a few weeks ago (it usually happens at some point) and I think I've upset his mum so we don't talk now. I've spent the past three weeks trying to work out what it is but she's not replying to my text messages. It's a shame as he's the only person I've ever met in my life that felt the same way.

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Originally Posted by dcalong

Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I'll keep it simple and to the point.

There's a lot of history and information to go through but I'll stick to more recent events. Over the past couple of years my depression has got worse and little things are starting to affect me more than they should. I've been to ER with panic attacks thinking they were heart attacks, this has happened on a couple of occasions. I've been to my doctors and had CBT, with three different therapists with the final one saying that CBT isn't for me. I've previously spoken with a counsellor and made no progress. I somehow manage to push away people that I get close to, one way or another and it keeps happening. The only constant people in my life are my parents and I believe that's only because they don't really have a choice.

I'm at a loss and now in the stage of, I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I've thought about suicide but just can't go through with it.

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Wow, what you said about suicide hits home, as does pushing people away. The others are right, do not be deterred by a doctor telling you that’s all folks, end of the line. You have to keep fighting on and pushing through. Your parents look out for you because you’re their baby and they love you, not because they have no choice. Trust me parents or not they have a choice and they’ve chosen to help you.

I have to ask, if you’ve been struggling for this long, why are you still prevaricating over medication? If nothing else is working, then trying the one thing you haven’t previously tried only makes sense to me ....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dcalong

I really wish I could find a solution to the overthinking thing, after 10 years of feeling like this I finally connected with someone. It was my 14 year old cousin who is also going through depression and anxiety. We got on really well until something happened a few weeks ago (it usually happens at some point) and I think I've upset his mum so we don't talk now. I've spent the past three weeks trying to work out what it is but she's not replying to my text messages. It's a shame as he's the only person I've ever met in my life that felt the same way.

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That really is a shame, it must have felt good to have someone to talk to that understood what you're going through, do you not have any way to contact your cousin directly instead of going through his mum?

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Originally Posted by Paula

I have to ask, if you’ve been struggling for this long, why are you still prevaricating over medication? If nothing else is working, then trying the one thing you haven’t previously tried only makes sense to me ....

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I agree... Surely it's worth trying? Why are you so against it?