Hey guys! Need Advice if possible **SH Trigger**

Hi, I'm new here. I guess I really needed someone to talk to because I feel so alone at the moment. I've suffered from depression on and off for at least 17 years. A lot of it is linked to low self esteem aggravated by a couple of abusive ex boyfriends. I had been a lot better the past 12 months. I felt positive about my future, confident, at least more confident than I have been in a long time. 6 months ago I got in a new relationship and I have been pretty happy. The odd blip but every relationship has that. This weekend he was ill and showed a side that I haven't seen before, that confused, scared and angered me in equal measure. He got really angry because I had washed up for his mom and helped his niece make a card. I thought I was doing good, something nice for his mom and keeping his niece out from under his feet so he could rest but he was really angry that I hadn't been looking after him when he felt so bad. The next day he apologised but I've had a horrible knot in my stomach ever since. It brought a lot of bad memories back for me and I feel like I'm just waiting for him to finish with me. Today I had an awful day with my family and he asked me how I was. I told him I was (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off with my family but I'd be OK when I had chance to calm down. He asked what had happened so I told him. He sent me a weird message back saying I have the same issues with my family every week and he didn't know what to say because it was so repetitive. Then didn't want to talk before bed like we normally do and he said we'd talk tomorrow followed by a pretty unexpected message about my insecurity and needing constant reassurance. I genuinely don't know what to feel, but I'm pretty disappointed that my first response was unfortunately self harm. I hadn't resorted to self harm in 9 years but have done so twice since we've been together. I'm starting to wonder if it's as healthy a relationship as I first thought. I have been of great support to him since we met, emotional and financial but I'm starting to feel he isn't as supportive to me. I am insecure I guess. It's Always bubbling underneath but the weekend brought it to the surface. I didn't know how to feel after he was like that. I don't know how to feel now. Except frustrated with myself. Self harm always makes me feel sick with myself. I can't talk to my friends or family about it because they'll be concerned about the way he was the weekend, and if I want our relationship to continue telling them wouldn't be wise. I just feel so alone.

Hi and welcome to DWD.
I've added a SH trigger warning as you discuss self harm which could be triggering for other members. It's nothing to worry about, and you haven't done anything wrong it's just our standard practise.

Sweetheart what was wrong with him at the weekend which meant that he expected you to mop his brow and peel him grapes? I can't see that you did anything wrong by helping his Mum and his niece. Sounds to me that you're a lovely person and he was being unfair!
Can I ask how old you are? Do you have any support? Have you seen your Dr and told them about it? Have you cleaned and dressed your wounds?

Apologies about the trigger. I'll be sure to do that next time. I'm 36 but have been disabled for the last 10 years so I live at home with my parents. My wound is OK thank you. I haven't spoken to anyone about it because I thought I'd been dealing with things ok until last night. I have had lots of cbt for my depression and my previous abusive relationships. I think what worries me a lot is that he thinks I always need reassurance when I thought I was doing really well and I did feel happy and secure so it's a blow to think I'm still coming off as insecure.

No need to worry about trigger, we can always add it if you forget.
Sweetheart could you try to get to the drs? Tell them what you've told us?

Hi and welcome. Are you really coming off as insecure or is that his way of keeping you focussed on putting him first?

I will make an appointment. I have a great counsellor that I see off and on so I'll contact him. That's a good point Paula. I'm not sure if I am. My friends have commented on my positivity. He's been weird this morning too so I've actually just discussed it with my mom because I was so upset. I didn't mention the self harm but told her everything else. To be honest, I kind of felt like I was losing my mind. I didn't think i'd behaved in a bad way by helping his mom and niece but he acted like I'd been really thoughtless and unfair and I was starting to wonder if he was right. I don't know what to do, I'm not going to lie, it did scare me the weekend, and I'm wondering if telling my mom was my way of trying to get out. I promised myself after my last boyfriend that I would never let anyone do this to me again.

Sorry lovely, but the guy sounds like a jerk! I can't help think that it's not you with the issue here........

I kind of agree. I think he was being a jerk and then tried to make himself feel better by blaming me for it. I'm still not sure what to feel about it, but it has definitely been helpful having you guys here to agree that I wasn't in the wrong, because I was questioning myself. I think I need to focus on myself for a bit. Going straight to self harm again as my primary coping strategy has upset me. I also took took too many amitriptyline last night. Not massively, I take 150mg normally and I took 250mg last night because I knew it would help me sleep and that's not a behaviour I want to get back into either, and I'm paying for it today. No matter how big a jerk he was that should never be my go to. I deserve to treat myself better than that.

That's an epic post. Good for you! You really do deserve to be kinder to yourself.

I guess Cbt does stick with you, and like I thought I am doing better. In the past in my relationships whenever we had an argument, or more commonly they blamed me for some stupid thing I had nothing to do with, I would self harm and then spend hours planning how I'd kill myself before apologising to them and begging for another chance. And yes, although I did self harm and did feel crappy for while, I didn't spend hours ruminating on it and I didn't apologise and beg for forgiveness for doing nothing wrong. I'm heading in the right direction

You really are..

So are you going to say all this to your bf?

Well done :)

I already told him lol. He apologised and said it was because he was ill and is going through a lot of stress at the moment and he didn't mean to take it out on me. I said It wasn't fair and I won't stand for it again. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time because he did have really bad news on Friday, but if he was struggling with everything going on in his life then he needs to get help for it because I'm not going through this again. I told him his behaviour brought a lot of bad memories back and that was damaging to me and unfair. So I guess we will see. But I stood my ground and protecting myself is my number 1 concern.
Thanks Paula

Seriously proud of you! Well done lovely!

That took real guts, sweetie :)