need some advice *SU TRIGGERS*

I'm struggling to find any real reason to actually keep living. since i was in high school i followed the mantra of just wait, things will change, things will improve, live will be worth living. yet now I've finished university and am still playing the waiting game. Look my life isn't bad by any accounts (as my parents constantly remind me) I do have a job (in retail), I live at home so don't struggle with bills or anything. yet I constantly dance with the thought of just ending things. I constantly have to rationalise with myself or give a reason to not just stop. I don't feel like my existence is worth continuing. There are probably a million more people in the world just like me but less broken who can do more good then i possibly could. People who are better equipped at handling life and i'm just here feeling like I'm rotting. I can't talk to others about my feelings cos then the rot will spread to them. I'll have ruined their day by talking about how (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) I feel, yet without having an actual reason to feel this bad. If i feel terrible every other day, why should i exist? what reason can i possibly have fir being around? I don't ake anyones life better, i fade into the background most of the time. I'm terrible with people and struggle in day to day conversations without torturing myself about how much they all must hate me cos I'm a miserable quiet brat.

TLDR
I just need some reason to keep living other then "it'll get better". cos so far, everything has been about the same and its pushing me to the edge.

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning to your post. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so members can avoid it if the difficult subject would upset them.

Have you ever spoken to your gp about how you feel? They can help you access treatment, medication or counselling, and refer on if needed.

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Originally Posted by Jaquaia

Have you ever spoken to your gp about how you feel? They can help you access treatment, medication or counselling, and refer on if needed.

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Of course I have, I have been on citralopram for two years, had counseling and tried self help. It doesn't work. I wouldn't be here if it worked. Forums are not my ideal place, I find them to be crawling with people just waiting to put you down so no, I didn't go to a forum as my first line of defence. I came here because although I could never be honest with my counselor I can be honest on here and I hoped there would be people who understand and who i could talk with but instead I'm on a depression forum where suicide is a trigger word... I guess, I'm just regretting doing this.

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Originally Posted by jenibi

Of course I have, I have been on citralopram for two years, had counseling and tried self help. It doesn't work. I wouldn't be here if it worked. Forums are not my ideal place, I find them to be crawling with people just waiting to put you down so no, I didn't go to a forum as my first line of defence. I came here because although I could never be honest with my counselor I can be honest on here and I hoped there would be people who understand and who i could talk with but instead I'm on a depression forum where suicide is a trigger word... I guess, I'm just regretting doing this.

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sorry if that came across as a little bit too defensive, I know you're trying to help. thank you.

Hi and welcome. Please don’t regret coming here, we do understand, we can and will talk with you and we can help. Suicide is a trigger word but we don’t stop people discussing it, we just need to warn others to keep all our members safe.

We ask if you’ve seen your doctor because many people don’t. Well done for working so hard to get well though, just because it’s not worked yet, doesn’t mean it won’t. Can you go back to your doctor and ask for alternatives? There are a large number of ADs available, for instance, and different people respond to different drugs. Citalopram may just not be the one for you. Has anyone talked to you about CBT?

Hi there and welcome to DWD.

As the other lovely ladies have explained we have trigger warnings to protect you and others from things that they may not feel able to talk about right now. It's not a negative, it's actually pretty positive and given time I'm sure you'll see that too.
I know that forums can be a bit hit and miss, but we're very overprotective here so I can honestly say this is a safe place to talk... But please, try not to be so defensive, no one here is against you - we all have our own understandings and experiences of depression and mental health illness - many of us have been where you are now.

Hi Paula. Yes I have tried cbt both on my own and with my counselor. I didn't really find it that helpful when I was already feeling down. It really only helps me to prolong up moments.

Hi suzi, I know you mean well but I don't think berating me for something I've already apologized for is particularly helpful. I really do get enough of people doing that irl. I'm guessing it wasn't your intention it's just how it comes across...
I'm here for that understanding. I just want to talk about how I'm feeling and get some advice, not the merits and demerits of trigger warnings so can we please move past that point?

I wish I could edit posts. (Let me know if I actually can and am just being silly) I don't share my feeling easily. Particularly in person. I find it incredibly difficult to get the words out as through the link between my head and mouth is broken. I know that I should try and get a new prescription to see if it helps me more. It's just my last appointments to check in on my medication were over the phone (this is where my untruthfulness comes at its strongest) so I kept saying oh yeah it's fine, works great. I don't know why I said it. I know it's stupid and know I'm afraid to say to them oh yeah I was lying and am actually in a crippling depression googling the easiest ways to die. I actually went hunting for a deadly mushroom once cos it was meant to provide a painless death... I know I'm being defensive. I just can't help it. I don't share my emotions. I find incredibly difficult and just doing this is a big step for me when I know for others it's a trivial matter. Either way how do you tell the truth to your doctor? How do I remove the block in my head? Anyone else experienced something similar?

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Originally Posted by jenibi

Hi Paula. Yes I have tried cbt both on my own and with my counselor. I didn't really find it that helpful when I was already feeling down. It really only helps me to prolong up moments.

Hi suzi, I know you mean well but I don't think berating me for something I've already apologized for is particularly helpful. I really do get enough of people doing that irl. I'm guessing it wasn't your intention it's just how it comes across...
I'm here for that understanding. I just want to talk about how I'm feeling and get some advice, not the merits and demerits of trigger warnings so can we please move past that point?

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I do promise that I wasn't berating you for anything, I'm not like that - which you'll get to know in time.

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Originally Posted by jenibi

I wish I could edit posts. (Let me know if I actually can and am just being silly)

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No, that's not something that you can do, but you can always ask one of the team to help and we're always happy to help

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I don't share my feeling easily. Particularly in person. I find it incredibly difficult to get the words out as through the link between my head and mouth is broken. I know that I should try and get a new prescription to see if it helps me more. It's just my last appointments to check in on my medication were over the phone (this is where my untruthfulness comes at its strongest) so I kept saying oh yeah it's fine, works great. I don't know why I said it. I know it's stupid and know I'm afraid to say to them oh yeah I was lying and am actually in a crippling depression googling the easiest ways to die. I actually went hunting for a deadly mushroom once cos it was meant to provide a painless death... I know I'm being defensive. I just can't help it. I don't share my emotions. I find incredibly difficult and just doing this is a big step for me when I know for others it's a trivial matter. Either way how do you tell the truth to your doctor? How do I remove the block in my head? Anyone else experienced something similar?

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Lovely, you really do need to be more open with your GP - maybe write a list of bullet points about how you feel, then you can actually just hand that over if you need to - or print out your posts from here and pass that over instead. Then you don't need to actually "say" anything if you don't feel up to it.
If the meds aren't helping then tell them - talk to them, no matter how hard it is - do you have a friend you could take with you?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

No, that's not something that you can do, but you can always ask one of the team to help and we're always happy to help
Lovely, you really do need to be more open with your GP - maybe write a list of bullet points about how you feel, then you can actually just hand that over if you need to - or print out your posts from here and pass that over instead. Then you don't need to actually "say" anything if you don't feel up to it.
If the meds aren't helping then tell them - talk to them, no matter how hard it is - do you have a friend you could take with you?

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That's a really good idea. Thanks suzi. I do find it easier to just write it down so that might work. The problem with bringing a friend is that it's harder when it's someone I know tbh. I'm afraid of making them hate me by being down all the time, you know? So I'm on my own for that but writing it down... that should work great. Thanks.

You won't make them hate you for talking about how you feel - maybe if they came with you, waited with you, but you went in on your own? Would that work?

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Originally Posted by Suzi

You won't make them hate you for talking about how you feel - maybe if they came with you, waited with you, but you went in on your own? Would that work?

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I'll be honest, maybe it's my autism but support like that always seemed a little odd to me. I don't really understand how it helps. I'm sorry. I'm just neurotypical in that way. But thanks for advice.

I didn't realise that you had a diagnosis of autism. My husband and son both have Aspergers and I used to teach kids with ASD.

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Originally Posted by Suzi

I didn't realise that you had a diagnosis of autism. My husband and son both have Aspergers and I used to teach kids with ASD.

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I generally keep it to myself because most people make assumptions about you when it's mentioned. People immediately think of the sterotype you know and as I'm a girl whose high functioning that sterotype really doesn't apply as you are probably aware. I'm the type that you really wouldn't notice it in if you just met me. It's like a hidden side but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect my relationships.

Please don't feel that you have to hide anything from any of us here. No one will judge you....