Right, the original thread was getting way too big, so I'm starting a new thread. Start filling it up with funnies, people :)
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Right, the original thread was getting way too big, so I'm starting a new thread. Start filling it up with funnies, people :)
I used to know a boy at school called ‘Diarrhoea Dave’. He got the name because he was the only kid who could spell it.
I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
Those are brilliant!
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
Rick Astley will let you borrow all of his Disney movies except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
It is never wise to tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. Remember, that is where the knives are kept.
I really need to stop blaming autocorrect and face the fact that I can't spill.
I remember once in the 1960s i was on holiday in Cornwall with John Lennon. We got to the end of Cornwall and he said. "Imagine there's no Devon"?
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
what do you all a dinosaur with one eye?
Do you think he sawar us.
Louis Van Gaal the Manchester united manager is showing a new young player round old trafford. The kid is awe struck and cant believed he has just signed for them.
Louis said: " welcome to man utd the greatest club in the world, you will want for nothing here lad".
"first off you are getting £60,000 a week" the young lad reply's "that's brilliant mr Van Gaal, all i ever got at Droylesden was £20.00 a week".
Louie goes on. "Yes that's not all me lad" Sponsors want to give yo a new Aston martian DB8 and free petrol and road tax for the year".
The young lad says: " thats amazing all i ever got at Droylesden was my bus fare home"
"yes", speaking of that you will be moving into a club owned mansion with swimming pool and tennis court all rent free".
"WoW " said the young lad At Droylesden i was still living with my parents".
"And guess what"? said Mr.van Gaal. I am giving you your debut on Saturday against Manchester city" but don't worry if your tired because we can pull you off at half time". "blimey said they young man "all i ever got at Droylesden was an orange".
If you go camping, don't go in the countryside.
have you noticed that when police find a dead body, its always in a tent?
I am really very English at heart. I bought a book how to avoid dealing with your neighbours.
Unfortunately i was out when it was delivered.
One of the worst job i had was when i was a Forensic pathologyst. I found a huge burial site of melted snowmen it was awful. Turned out it was just a field of carrots.
The past. present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
There's another supermarket opening just down the road from Tesco, I'm glad because as Tesco say: 'Every Lidl Helps'
That Asda be an old joke, but I like it
Got myself a new thesaurus earlier today, but it's awful, I can't even find the words to describe it.
.... but I don't have an 'any key' on my computer
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
Not really a joke or one-liner, but a mix of humorous and frustrating. The word 'Brexit' has been going on so damned continuously that it's stuck in one of the many vacant spaces in my brain and I spent several minutes this morning trying to log into DWD with username 'Brexit' instead of 'bereft' very silly but unfortunately very true.
(doh)
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I just managed to burn 1000 colories. I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Have you lot tried the new whisky diet? My friend did and lost 3 weeks.
A l girl goes to see her doctor and the doctor is examining her and the doctor says: "big Breaths now" and the girl said: YETH i know i am only Thithteen.
What sound does a Turkey make?
"coup coup"
Thanks for these folks. Made be break into a little smile on a day when everything seems grey.
Here is another one.
I rang BT and said "I want to report a nuisance caller" he said "not you again!!"
I watched a documentary the other night on how ships were built... Riveting
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day from within my fort...
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
OK I will stop now... :8)
Lol please don't ;)
Made me smile Pen. (happy)
I have kleptomania but when it gets bad I take something for it....
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: It's okay. He woke up.